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A Date With Damian (revised)
By Leigh
15 July 2008
You may or may not recall I posted a version of this story a couple of years ago.  I am now trying to break into the lucrative women's magazine market and have brushed up the piece to fit in with mag guidelines.  I think it's an improvement.
Doesn't matter if you didn't read the earlier version - I'd love to know what you think of this one!

I have a horrible feeling Lisa was right, thought Martine as she checked her watch for the fiftieth time, and pressed her back against the pub wall as though she could melt into it. This isn’t the most delightful meeting place. And I’m freezing.

“The Railway Tavern?” her sister had grimaced dubiously last night. “Shouldn’t you at least pick somewhere more central for a first meeting?” 

Martine tossed her hair. “It’s too late to change the arrangements now.”

“No, it isn’t. You don’t have to go through with this.”

“I’ve chosen to, though.”

“Well I’ll have my mobile on if you need me.”

Need you? Stop scaremongering, Lise.” Seeing Lisa’s genuine concern, Martine added in a more sensitive tone, “I know you don’t really approve of this Internet dating lark, but I’ll be all right. Damian and I have been messaging for weeks.  We’ve built up such a rapport.”

“You don’t even know what he looks like.”

“No, well Damian feels it’s shallow to be influenced by each other’s appearances. He thought we ought to communicate first, free from that.”

“Hmm.”

Saying the words had lessened Martine’s own conviction in them, but couldn’t show this. “He has the important attributes, like character and a sense of humour. If he turns out to be sexy too, well that’ll be a nice bonus!”

If he turns out to be sexy!  Oh Mart, you’re too young to be this desperate. You’re only twenty-six.”

“This isn’t about desperation. It’s just the modern way to meet. You should try it, Lise. You’re still single, after all.”

“No thanks. Just be careful, eh?”

As she shivered now, gawped at by the Saturday afternoon drunks, Martine tried to heat herself with thoughts of their online chats, which could last several hours a night.

Damian was speedy to reply when she’d posted her ad, and they hit it off instantly. He was thirty, he said, and lonely beneath his sometimes jokey front. “But you’re becoming special to me, Martine. We shouldn’t dither to arrange a meeting.”

She’d found herself agreeing to Saturday at two, outside the Railway Tavern. Now it was twenty-past, and she stamped her chilled feet frantically. “Come on Damian!”

As if on cue, three young men hove into view, bantering matily with one another. Then one – the tallest and by far the best-looking, as it happened – started to lope out of the group. “I’d better get going now, lads. Been great catching up with you again, though.” 

“Yeah, look after yourself mate.”

“See ya, Damo.”

Damo!

While his friends made tracks in the opposite direction, he strode towards the railway, the pub – and Martine.

“Damo’s short for Damian!” Martine yelped this and pounced on the astounded man.

“Yes, I suppose it could be,” he spluttered.

Martine’s heart flipped like a dolphin in a sealife show.  He was lean and broad-shouldered, with jovial brown eyes and the kind of grin that made you grin back.

“I’m Martine,” she gibbered, still clinging to him, “as you’ll have no doubt gathered.
And you’re better late than never.”

“I’m sorry?”

“Don’t apologise. You’re here now, and it’s wonderful to finally meet after all these
weeks of e-mails.”

“Er...”

“Anyway, what are we waiting for? Let’s go for a drink!” Martine linked arms and, boosted with relief, nattered unreservedly to her new friend. She manoeuvred him towards the Railway Tavern. He let himself be led – as far as the entrance.

“Actually, let’s not go in here,” he winced. Martine was surprised, since Damian had suggested this venue, but decided to take it as a compliment; a sign he thought she belonged in smarter places. They walked to a wine bar.

Over their first round he said, “Now I’ve no idea what this talk of adverts and e-mails is all about, but I have to tell you it’s brightening up my day no end!”

“What!” Martine’s wineglass paused in mid-air, halfway to her gaping mouth. “You mean…you’re…not…Damian…from Date-A-Base?”

“’Fraid not. My name is Damon. Damon Edwards.  I was about to catch the train home after meeting up with a couple of old schoolmates. I hardly ever come into town, as it happens.”

After initial blushes, they laughed all afternoon at the mistaken identity and coincidence.

“I can’t believe I frogmarched you off like that,” Martine squealed again, “you poor thing!”

“Oh, I think I could have endured being accosted by you.”

“Obviously the real Damian chickened out then. Lucky for me, eh?”

“This has been the most surreal Saturday of my life,” Damon said three hours later, gazing at her over his glass, “but easily the best.”

They were inseparable from that day onwards. Five years later, they got married.

“Guess you were right, sis,” Lisa, their bridesmaid, conceded, “Internet dating does work. Well, sort of.”


                                                         ******


Whilst Martine and Damon had been falling in love that Saturday, the ‘real’ Damian – he was calling himself Damian today at least – was lurking in his Jaguar outside the Railway Tavern.

He was late, because he hated to linger in areas like this with a car like his, and had expected this Martine to be waiting.

“Your timekeeping will just have to be punished, young lady,” he hissed, drumming the steering wheel.

If she didn’t show up, though, there were plenty of others where she came from. Girls who’d be charmed by his online humour and lonely bachelor charade – then see the Jag and forget about wanting someone gentle who could make them laugh.

And forgive him for lopping a few years off his age.

Then he’d whisk them to his apartment – the bachelor pad he kept for weekend use, well away from the house where he kept his wife – and soften them up with wine. He’d slip a pill into it if the girl was resistant.

These young women never reported him. Even those who could remember what happened were persuaded that their accounts would not be taken seriously by the police.

And Martine would never know what a lucky escape she’d had.

Reviews
A date with Damien
Written by awakenedmind (48 comments posted) 15th July 2008
The overall storyline I liked, parts of the story 'flowed nicely' some others I had 'read' (if you know what I mean.) 
The ending was tidy but short, but I liked the real damien touch. 
 
All stories are personal to the reader, but I thought maybe a little more work may be needed to make it all 'flow' and go into the 'good' catergory. 
 
Michael 
 
Music: Crescendo from 'Carmina Burana'
Written by SammoR (132 comments posted) 15th July 2008
 
Not sure I'd read the original... 
 
The change of tone at the end, from romantic chick-lit to scary spine-chiller was sudden and effective! 
 
The only clue is the name 'Damian'...hints of 'Damien' from the Omen films. A subtle clue...

Written by Nick (163 comments posted) 15th July 2008
I have to agree with SammoR regarding the character name. I immediately thought of something sinister.  
 
Overall though, it was an enjoyable read and a good change in tone. Unfortunately I don't really read "chick-Lit" so can't really comment on how it compares to others. 
 
Nick

Written by stevetroster (1601 comments posted) 15th July 2008
Hello Leigh. 
In my opinion your story still needs a lot of work. 
I will be honest and admit that I didn’t like it and feel that the revelation about the true Damian was very abrupt and extremely underdeveloped. 
You might do better to built on the idea of mistaken identity but show it from the point of view of both characters. 
Example: Opening conversation between the girls. Martine’s case of mistaken identity (she wanders off to the wine bar with Damo). Cut to Damien pulling up in his Jag and, not realising who she is, watches Martine wander off with Damo before hitting on another girl who is waiting alone at the station. Cut back to Martine and Damo having a wonderful time as they get to know each other. Cut back to Damien at his flat and slipping a mickey in the other girl’s drink.  
 
Apart from punctuation issues like unnecessary commas before ‘and’, there are also a few occasions (where speech is involved) when you use lower case instead of upper (and vice versa). 
 
There are quit a lot of (IMO) awkward passages, such as: I have a horrible feeling Lisa was right, thought Martine as she checked her watch for the fiftieth time, and pressed her back against the pub wall as though she could melt into it. 
(Either lose the comma or, better still, replace ‘and pressed’ with pressing.) 
 
“The Railway Tavern?” her (capital H) sister had grimaced dubiously last night. “Shouldn’t you at least pick somewhere more central for a first meeting?” 
Again, IMO, not particularly well structured. And wouldn’t you do better using an exclamation mark rather than a question mark? It ‘could’ read better as: “The Railway Tavern!” Her sister had grimaced when Martine told her of their meeting place. “Shouldn’t you at least pick somewhere more central?” 
 
“Need you? Stop scaremongering, Lise.” Seeing Lisa’s genuine concern, Martine added in a more sensitive tone, “I know you don’t really approve of this Internet dating lark, but I’ll be all right. Damian and I have been messaging for weeks. We’ve built up such a rapport.” 
 
“Me, need you? Stop scaremongering, Lise,” said Lisa. However, upon seeing the genuine concern in her sister’s expression she added in a more sensitive tone, “I know you don’t really approve of this Internet dating lark, but I’ll be all right. Damian and I have been messaging for weeks. We’ve built up such a rapport.” 
 
Have you noticed how all of your actions come after a statement? “This has been the most surreal Saturday of my life,” Damon said three hours later, gazing at her over his glass, “but easily the best.” 
 
Three hours later, Damon was still gazing at Martine over a half empty glass of Beaujolais. “This has been the most surreal Saturday of my life, but easily the best.” 
 
My hope is that my review doesn’t come across too negative and might actually be of some small assistance to you. 
 
All the best, 
Steve.  
 
 
 

Written by mia_ms_kim (1057 comments posted) 15th July 2008
I thought the storyline was an interesting one for women's magazine, one that piques a woman's curiosity. Story of unconventional romance works for women. (Though internet-releated romance is becoming not so unconventional anymore.) I found this chick-litty with a twist. 
 
Some things I've noticed. 
 
1. Italicise character's thoughts (beginning)or it can be a little confusing to read. Or you could just write in 3rd person:  
 
She had a horrible feeling Lise was right as she checked her watch... And she was freezing. 
 
2. character's speech - at times doesn't quite sound as modern or young as the story suggests they are. eg. "I've chosen to, though.' scaremongering etc. 
 
3. abrupt - when Damo comes onto the scene, the story becomes a little abrupt and the MC's actions less believable. Perhaps it needs more fleshing out, or as Steve suggests, switch back and forth to and from Damien's character. I think that will work better than having Damien's character coming in at the end almost as a separate story. 
 
Overall, the story is still interesting, that the MC finds romance this way, and escapes a terrible pitfall. This sort of story makes one believe in fate and grace. And the fact that no one really knows the entire story other than the readers, makes the story appealing. 
 
Mia 8)

Written by TwistedTales (548 comments posted) 16th July 2008
Umm, was a bit predictable for me. The story is fine, except towards the end where you "tell" and feel the need to explain it to the reader. I think you can very well stop at "slip a pill" and even the last line, "she would never know what a lucky escape she has had" is unnecessary. We know she has escaped by then. I still feel you need to add something more to the story, it feels loose to me. I hope this helps. 
 
Regards, 
TT

Written by Leigh (254 comments posted) 16th July 2008
Wow, it seems this wasn't my most popular piece! 
 
I must respond on a couple of points: 
 
Re italicising thoughts: I had always done just that - until receiving a recent and very vitriolic review of my last novel from a professional critic (a subject done to death - see the Proudly Prose section of the forum). Among other things I was completely bollocked for my use of italics to express thoughts. Apparently this is now no longer the done thing in literature! Italics are used only for emphasis and for titles of books, films, etc. Reading recent stories in the magazines I am targeting actually shows this to be the case. I can't say as I like that style myself - the consequent inability to distinguish between thought and authorial comment really does become confusing - but I am merely attempting to follow style guidelines! 
 
Women's magazines similarly dislike the overuse of exclamation marks.

Written by mia_ms_kim (1057 comments posted) 16th July 2008
"it seems this wasn't my most popular piece!" 
 
I actually enjoyed this piece, Leigh. (Maybe that didn't come across in my previous review. I generally get busy trying to see how I can improve something when I like it.) I'm a woman and I read women's magazines, and I normally skip short stories because I find them generally uninteresting, but this one, I would have read for the reasons I've stated in my previous review. I thought this piece was worth a little bit of rework to enhance its readability factor. 
 
And thank you for letting me know about "italicising". In oz we are encouraged to italicise characters' thoughts (or so I was told a year ago in a RWA critique group). Maybe that's changing over here, too. Actually I find it's such a pain to send my ms to agents/publishers in different countries. I create separate copies for US and UK, and it's pain to update each copy! 
 
Anyway, I just wanted to say, as a woman who likes reading/writing romance I thought this story had a lot of potential. 
 
Mia ;)

Written by Leigh (254 comments posted) 17th July 2008
Thanks for that Mia. I can take criticism on the chin and do need to know where I'm going wrong! Fashions in writing change and it can be hard to keep up - sometimes I think you are expected to be psychic to know that a certain style is no longer the done thing!

Written by TallulahBelle (13 comments posted) 23rd July 2008
Hi Leigh, 
 
I read tons of chick-lit, and a fair bit of women's mag short stories, so I'm probably your target audience! I loved the basic idea, as I kept expecting Damian to turn out to have a serious flaw, so it was a nice surprise that she ended up with someone completely different. I also wondered whether Damon should even tell her, although I suppose he has to if they're going to stay together, plus a 'nice bloke' would tell her.  
 
However, I think there is some unneccessary detail at the end - we don't need to know that they get married etc - and I think you need a neater way to reveal who the real Damian is - just cutting the line, 'Whilst Martine and Damon had been falling in love that Saturday' would be an improvement, I feel. 
 
There are also a few cliched lines that I think you could replace, such as 'She tossed her hair' - do women really do this outside of Dynasty?!  
 
My favourite bits were the dialogue, which I think you write very convincingly. 
 
Anyway, I think this story could certainly sell to a women's mag, with just a bit more tidying up. 
 
I hope this is helpful, 
Omma

Written by Leigh (254 comments posted) 23rd July 2008
Thanks for that Omma. Yes, I have seen many a hair toss in my time! 
 
I am grateful for everyone's input and will now do a bit more tweaking!
Hi Leigh
Written by jean.day (2387 comments posted) 14th August 2008
This will be the third time I have tried to review this so hope it works this time. 
 
I liked the subject matter and think it is very approrpiate for a women's magazine. I liked the fact that people tried to warn her about it - and felt that was very true to life. 
 
I did think that maybe she was a big over the top when she grabbed the wrong man, but it takes all sorts, so maybe not.  
 
Good luck with it.

Written by Grumpy (23 comments posted) 14th August 2008
Hi Leigh. 
 
I don't read chick-lit but I was drawn into the story. Like a couple of other readers, I liked it overall but feel you really need to work on that ending. I agree with the suggestion about simply showing us what Damian gets up to while the main characters are falling in love. 
 
And I wouldn't worry too much about the italics for internal thoughts... and please avoid exclamation marks at all costs. Bad writers love them. 
 
Good luck with it.

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