CHAPTER 3

February 12

Charles is starting to look for accommodation for us to live in when we are married. He says he needs to find somewhere near his work, yet with a bit of garden. At present he is living with Mrs Griffin, the same landlady he has boarded with for these past 8 years. It suited him to have her give him his room and board, and his Aunt Elizabeth Wilson did his laundry, but soon those will be my tasks. When his cousin CG lived and worked in Worcester, he also lived in that house, but it wouldn't be suitable for us to be there once we are married. I want a home of my own. I know we won't be able to afford servants at present, but when we have children, I am sure Charles will insist that I have help.  I want to choose my own wall coverings and curtains and furniture. I want to plant my own flowers and vegetables in my garden. I know Charles feels the same. He loves gardening and has rented a plot in Mealcheapen these past 7 years to grow vegetables and flowers. He says he will look for a house in the northeast section of the town - where it is hilly and we will have a wonderful view of the countryside. I hope he finds a house on Rainbow Hill or Primrose Hill. They are such lovely names. And although they are almost out of town, they are near enough for him to walk to work or to the train station.

February 13

It's two months now since I should have seen my friend and it worries me. It's funny how some people call it Eve's curse and some call it their visitor, but I have always called it having my friend. And now I can understand why it is called that. How I long for the sight of my friend   Charles said it would be alright and I trusted him completely.  I don't always see it every month. Perhaps it is the excitement and worries about the wedding that have made me tense. Please God let that be all. I hope Mother won't notice the lack of blood in my small clothes when she does the laundry.

My brother William came home last night with good news. He is to be taken on as an apprentice at a lumber and glazier business.  He always has been very handy and good at making things from wood.  Father was hoping he would be interested in taking over the management of the Inn, when he retires soon. Father is 63 and feels the strain of the work. Also he has enough money for a comfortable retirement, and he sees no need to work himself to death. Mother will also be pleased when he retires, but I wonder what Elizabeth will do.  I think she is too shy to get to know a man well enough to get him to marry her - perhaps she will meet someone special at the wedding. 

Father is putting out feelers to see if there are any local businessmen who would be interested in taking over the Inn. He will still run it for this year, so I can have my wedding reception here. We will be able to put up the guests from amongst Charles' family who come up from Worcester. George Will who runs the Inn down the road has very kindly said we can put up any extra guests we have with him. We have 10 double rooms for guests and a very large reception room and dining room which will easily take care of those we invite.  I have started making a list. Charles has so many friends and relatives and he wants to invite them all. I can easily see us having 70 for the wedding, and the breakfast afterwards, but of course many of those will be local people who won't need to be put up for over night.

Mother and I found a pattern for my wedding dress, and we went into Driffields to pick out the fabric today.  It seemed a great deal of money for the dress fabric, but I did want to have it be special. Silk is practical too, with being cool in the summer and warm in the winter. The pattern has a low neck, with sleeves which are gathered at the top and loose at the bottom. I will make the bodice up separately from the skirt. I will put tucks into the skirt which can be let out as need be.  I will make it with large seams so that if I grow bigger, as I am bound to in time, it can grow with me and it will do as my very best dress for many years to come. When we took my measurements I noticed that I do seem to be a bit bigger in some areas than I was before and parts of me seem rather sensitive.   I feel fine in myself, although perhaps a bit more tired than usual. But I am working very hard, which could account for that.

February 14

Charles sent me the most wonderful Valentine. He wrote this poem to go with it.

May all that friendship ere can wish be thine
All blessings earthly and all joys divine
And oh may heaven this blessing grant to me
A friend sincere and may that friend be thee.2

It shows how much he loves me and can't wait for us to be together all the time. 

I felt rather ill this morning, and think I might be coming down with a cold or flu. I must make sure I take lots of lemon and honey drink, which is the best way to ward off winter illnesses.

I have sent Charles some Valentine gingerbread life cakes shaped in the form of hearts to demonstrate my love. It is an easy recipe which I found in Lady's Companion. Since we leave the magazines out for our customers, I will copy it down here.

2 1/2 cups unsieved flour
2 teaspoons cinnamon
1 1/2 teaspoons ginger
1/2 teaspoon ground cloves
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup butter  1/2 cup packed dark brown sugar
1/3 cup treacle
1 large egg

Mix all together, roll out and cut out in shape of hearts and place on a greased flat baking tray.  Bake for 25 minutes until golden brown. It makes 6 cakes each about 4 1/2 inches across.

February 18

I was very ill this morning and felt absolutely vile.  Once my stomach was emptied, I felt better, but rather weak and tired. I have missed my friend again this month and I almost dare not think of what that means.  I don't know what to do. I don't want to tell Mother as she would be angry and call me all sorts of names.  But I feel the need of talking to someone about this.  I had the idea that perhaps Charles' Aunt Ann Mayfield might be someone I could confide in. She knows how important it would be to keep my revelations quiet, and she might be able to give me some advice about how to make it all go away. I so do not want it to be true. Not saying the word doesn't make it go away.  Please God, I do not want to be in a delicate situation; I do not want to be in the family way; I do not want to be pregnant. Lots of women have early miscarriages - and if that happened to me, I would be so grateful.  I only wish I knew how to bring it on. I don't want to tell Charles yet, because if it goes away, he doesn't need to know.  I have heard that there are things you can do to get rid of it, and yet I know that it is both illegal and considered immoral.  But so is lying with someone before you are married.

February 22

Yesterday after church I made the excuse that I wanted to consult with Mrs. Mayfield about Emily's bridesmaid's dress and Mother was busy with other things so was pleased when I said I was happy to go on my own.  Once there, I asked Mrs. Mayfield if I could see her privately. She could sense my distress, and arranged for the children to go next door where they have friends.  I told her my suspicions and she said that it was most likely that I am in truth pregnant. Having sensitive swollen breasts, having missed my menses for two months, having been sick most mornings for the last two weeks, she said these were the usual and almost inevitable signs of pregnancy.  She said she would help me in any way she could, but that it was important that I tell Charles as soon as possible. I dread doing that. What will he think of me? He will blame me for not having douched properly.  He will hate the stigma and having everyone know our private business.

I asked Mrs. Mayfield if there was any way I could get rid of it, and she looked shocked.  "You must not even think like that," she said. "Those who get rid of unwanted babies as often as not get rid of the mothers at the same time."  She said that she remembered how awful she felt when she first discovered she was pregnant - but that Uncle Henry had been very supportive of her, and they had had a wedding ceremony (which wasn't really a true one of course) and that he did all he could to save her reputation. She was sure Charles would do the same. I said that I had heard about horse riding and having gin and then a very hot bath could bring on a baby early.  She said I could try of course, but she thought the likelihood was that this baby would only leave me with a very severe accident whilst riding, and she didn't want me to risk that.  Gin I could get quite easily, as we have a bar in the Inn and I could take a bottle without anyone noticing, but as far as hot baths go, how could one do that in a house like ours without it being noticed. Hot water has to be heated on the stove, and even when we get the tin bath out, by the time it comes to me, the water is scarcely warm.

Mrs. Mayfield did make a few suggestions. She said I should try to make myself look bigger than I am now, straight away, rather than waiting for the baby to do the job for me.  If I let out the seams of my gowns, and put in gussets, which I can then cover with braid or lace, people will become accustomed to seeing me looking big, and not notice the change when it comes for real. She also suggested something that I would never have thought of. She said I should actually eat less which isn't hard now that I feel sick, but she says the sickness will soon go away.  If I lose weight from my own body, while the baby is putting on weight on its body, one will balance the other. She says the baby will not suffer as long as I have good food, but just less of it.  I was so pleased I had gone to see her, but will now take her advice and tell Charles. 

2Poems all taken from an album of unknown ownership found in the same collection of books as Charles Walker's diary of 1851. Some of the poems are initialled and dated, while others are not, so it is not clear who wrote any of them.