I am trying to write about loss. In this case, a woman who left me because I foolishly 'lost it' on too many occasions and was very unkind.
Someone once said, “Words are like birds – once flown, they can never return.”
Who was it?
At least we on GW have the facility to edit! Wish it were true of real life . . .
Reminds me – ‘The Unbearable Lightness of Being’ – Milan Kundera.
‘ . . . Life is not a dress rehearsal . . .’
Comments welcome on this!
Cheers!
John X
Now you are gone
Now you are gone from me a while,
I sit and write and think long through the night.
I conjure words and rhymes that form a style,
and hope, through my night’s longing, you just might
agree to stay, and see me through the day,
where brightness sears my eyes and will not let
me see the truth in midnight summer’s play
on words that tear my soul, lest I forget,
before we go, to kiss you one last time,
to hold you closer than my mother’s hand
encradled me with love serene, sublime.
And you, who held me close, now understand
that you were all. And all can be undone
by words ill-chosen, barbarously sung.
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Written by JourneyAtNight (314 comments posted) 17th July 2008 | I like the last two lines especially, there is something lovely about the way it resonates.
Overall, I feel that the rhythm is a bit off in places - but that might just be the way I'm reading it.
E |
Written by NathanRoberts (277 comments posted) 17th July 2008 | Hi John, can I be a bit critical on this one? Constructively, I hope, with the brief disclaimer that it's always easier to critique others than to actually embody your own suggestions!
The thing is, I think you actually give more away in one line in your intro ('a woman who left me because I foolishly 'lost it' on too many occasions and was very unkind') than the four stanzas of poetry.
You're telling us how you feel, in lovely, lilting, poetic language, but not showing us any vivid scene or intimate detail, or really giving away anything personal.
For what it's worth, that old golden rule of 'show don't tell' is the one I find hardest to get my head round. I don't know what others think, but is it any help to think of a poem in terms of a little movie scene, or a painting, albeit one that can also evoke smells, tastes, touch, thoughts? (And, one where the camera/sensory device can travel at infinite speeds into places out of reach of technology.)
All I'm saying is, I think this would be more powerful and engaging if you could pinpoint something specific (a scene, an image, a metaphor, an object, one intense moment) that captures that feeling of loss and draws the reader in.
Hope you don't mind this review, and I'm always after honest, constructive views on mine...
Cheers. | Can you be critical, Rob?
Written by Katanga (1163 comments posted) 17th July 2008 | Yes, of course, of course and thrice of course!
That's what were's here for, innit?!
'lovely, lilting' is praise indeed, but the rest of your comments are really useful and have set me thinking.
The above piece is very abstract in its musings and I take your point entirely, though I don't think it's a complete 'write-off' - I wouldn't get much on the insurance!
I shall make a deliberate attempt at doing what you suggest and picturing a 'movie scene' or painting.
I feel a poetic, concrete mini-adventure coming on!
Thanks again!
Cheers!
John |
Written by NathanRoberts (277 comments posted) 17th July 2008 | Well I wasn't totally sure about the movie scene analogy, but I've found it useful myself. I've also started consciously trying to include other senses: touch, smell, taste, which aren't conveyed quite as directly by film. i think the painting comparison is also useful, because it suggests trying to compact everything into one space, whilst leaving interpretation open, and possibilities of symbolism, double and triple meaning etc. But, of course, we musn't forget music!
Poetry has so much scope when you think about it. Singing, dancing, dreaming, acting, painting, moviemaking with words...all in four stanzas!
No, I don't think this is a write-off. The idea and emotions you're trying to capture as well as some of the words you're using can all be used, but it just needs focusing a bit more.
I don't know if it's the case, but I can imagine you picturing this person, certain memories as you were writing this. I've done the same before, convinced that I've put that stuff in the poem, only to be rudely awoken by a reviewer! | I liked this, John...
Written by Talisker (1321 comments posted) 18th July 2008 | The sonnet form seems to fit well and the emotions seem fresh and sharp.
At first I tripped over the rather clumsy "barbarously" in the last line - but then I thought that it might be a stroke of genius - a word "ill-chosen" in a line about words "ill-chosen".
Anyway - the whole works very well.
Oli  |
Written by Phil (6645 comments posted) 18th July 2008 | With the above. I thought this worked very well.
I still don't understand enjambment - if that's what it's called. Ignoring that (as I have nothing sensible to say!) this was constructed well and delivered emotion and feeling.
Phil | Barbarously?
Written by Katanga (1163 comments posted) 19th July 2008 | Hello again Oli!
I'll certainly accept your interpretation of my choice of word as 'a stroke of genius'!
Laughing all the way to the grave . . .
Waaaaah!
And thanks. Phil - 'enjambment' simply means rambling on from line to line without 'line-end' pauses in the general flow of meaning and syntax. It can add or detract from the overall value of the piece - can be clumsy, can be fine. A tricky business|!
John X |
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