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By kitten_princess
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27 December 2005 |
I know it's a silly title, but I didn't know what to call it. As I padded across to the bathroom
I saw it, through my frosted windows.
Our garden was white. By night, the sky had cried and
The wind had chilled her tears.
A story played every year that led to snow. I know, looking out of that window,
That by the afternoon the sun would
Try to melt away that snow with its
Weak winter smile Meanwhile the frozen tears fell again
My heart grew warmer.
Unexplainable, for the sun smiled brighter
And the new water made ran away. |
Written by no1butClo (337 comments posted) 28th December 2005 | i like the beginning, the way you put it in an everyday setting (in line one), but i'm not sure about the last line in the second stanza, the words don't quite fit.
you switch tenses in this, and it just works, but i couldn't read it properly first time round
liked much, would like to see more of your descriptive stuff
clo
ps diamante pineapple | Great personification
Written by sara (29 comments posted) 2nd January 2006 | | and I love the line " the sky had cried and the wind had chilled her tears" |
Written by lilaliadanpoet (1 comments posted) 2nd January 2006 | I like the way your words flow and how they paint a picture for the readers . You have a good writing stlye .
Cheers
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Written by MGoddard2005 (5 comments posted) 3rd January 2006 | i like your poem, i can tell you write from the heart. i like that.
hope to read more |
Written by amboline (183 comments posted) 4th January 2006 | Mmm, very mellow I agree with Clo about the last line of stanza 2, but I'm not quite sure what to replace it with. Playing with the word in my own style I'd try something like "Every year the same/And snow the outcome", but you'll obviously want to find your own words here!
The very last line of the piece also feels a bit out of rhythm. "New-made water" might be a better fit.
The changes of tense do need to be thought through a little more carefully, but other than that, this is a rather lovely seasonal piece with a great atmosphere. |
Written by Snow-Bear (9 comments posted) 22nd April 2006 | The words flow nicely and it is mellow. from first impression it seems like the person who you writting about has their heart broken ie the 'snow' is a metaphor for loss and closed off, while the 'sun' is the ray of hope as it warms you heart.
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