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By Ane
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18 July 2008 |
A very short short story, and rather odd.
They flew through the air quietly, the storm unfolding outside having no effect on the cold serenity inside the car.
“We’ll live,” she reassured the man.
“You always say that,” he sighed. He looked outside his window and sighed again, wondering why he was still with the girl. A giggle echoed in his head, and he turned back to her.
“I don’t need you. I don’t know why you keep playing with me.”
She frowned a childlike frown, her round face exaggerating the expression and making her look deceivingly young. “Fine. Goodbye.” And with that she was gone, the passenger door hanging open and the sound of tires screeching to a stop ringing dully in his ears. He numbly went outside and looked, mostly because instinct told him it was the right thing to do. The girl was nowhere to be seen. Maybe this time she wasn’t coming back.
He got into his car and continued to drive, already dreading the silence and wondering when he would next see her.
He feared it wouldn’t be long.
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Written by TwistedTales (548 comments posted) 18th July 2008 | Mm, dunno what to say to this. Its all too random. We don't know a thing by the end of it. Who's the man, who's the lady, what's the connection, what's the whole deal, why is he afraid that she will come back etc etc. It's just toooo much for the reader to work out. Fill the gaps and rewrite this.
Regards,
TT |
Written by Turquoise-Tangerine (224 comments posted) 19th July 2008 | Hi Ane, although I'll admit that I now want to know what happens next, I actually enjoyed the ambiguity in this.
However, your text is WAAAAAAAAY TOOOOOOOO BIIIIIIG.
Cheers,
Turk. |
Written by Canadian_Bacon (120 comments posted) 19th July 2008 | Hi Ane,
I have to agree with Twisted-Tales, to a degree. To summarize what he said, you should consider adding more context so that we know with more certainty who each character is. that doesn't mean you have to lose the ambiguity completely, just fill in *some* of the gaps for us.
-Mike |
Written by Fledermaus (3506 comments posted) 28th July 2008 | | Interesting idea, but indeed something seemed to be missing. You might also want to check the punctuation ion a few places. |
Written by KaydieKate (75 comments posted) 3rd August 2008 | The ambiguity didn't bother me...if there would be more. You can fix that by changing just a few vague words to more specific words, to note their connection.
Acutally, the only thing that made me go "wait a second..." was the whole "They flew through the air...." becoming "...tires screeching..." are they in a car? Is she with him or he with her? Those are key, to set the scene. It would give the reader so much if we knew who was hanging on to whom: just a little fact that gives you an insight to who they are, without telling straight out. |
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