Beneath the rubble of a night dream,
her toes touch his, kneading him,
pulling at sheets, peeling away
layers of sleep, and slowly we're drawn
into a scene: the ruins of an earthquake,
a whirlwind, a flood. A palm-held
camera pans from above
remains of a school, its roof collapsed,
an arm emerges from the aftermath.
A child confined,
(it's always a child, her pupil perhaps?).
Trapped for days, for years, resigned.
The body receding through hunger, thirst,
the closing of senses, with a mind
knowing: this is all there is.
Then, the final spool, a fading vocal
of studio speech,
'...in the hope
there may be more, lying beneath.'
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Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3351 comments posted) 19th July 2008 | I have read this a few times and I must admit to being fascinatied by it but I can't quite find a way into it. It reminds me of all the disaster stories I have seen and also an old film where some cynical journalist delalyed the saving of a child who was was stuck in an old mine. It conjured up a lot of images but not a coherent thread.
Not so much a criticism, more a reaction. It certainly got me thinking
jane |
Written by NathanRoberts (277 comments posted) 20th July 2008 | Thanks jane,
It conjured up a lot of images, you're fascinated by it and it got you thinking. That's a great reaction in my book, and it sounds like you found a 'way in'. As long as you don't expect me to dig you out , everything's running to plan 
cheers.
| Much food . . .
Written by Katanga (1217 comments posted) 20th July 2008 | . . . for thought here, Rob! I shall need to revisit several times before I can put a finger on why I like this, but like it I do.
Weird, bleak and strong!
Cheers!
John X |
Written by NathanRoberts (277 comments posted) 21st July 2008 | Cheers John,
If you do work out why you like it, let me know.
Cheers. |
Written by Phil (6713 comments posted) 21st July 2008 | Seems stupid to say it was very visual - but it was - and if that was what you were aiming for, at least you know you achieved it.
Liked this very much.
These two lines:
camera pans from above
remains of a school, its roof collapsed,
or at least the phrase: remains of a school - threw me. Should there be a 'the' before 'remains' or is it me being dim?
First three lines very strong indeed. Liked the rest too.
Phil |
Written by Katanga (1217 comments posted) 21st July 2008 |
I am still trying to put my finger on what I like about this poem - clearly the imagery e.g. 'Under the rubble of a night dream', but I think it's the 'cinematic newsreel' element that makes it special - your movie-scene idea.
Maybe the explicitness at the end is not needed? Might hit harder without ' the final spool, a fading vocal of studio speech'?
Just the final trite, bleak announcement might be enough?
' . . . in the hope there may be more, lying beneath.'
Might give the reader more to do and more satisfaction?
Dunno! Much respected and admired anyway . . .
Cheers!
John
| Cheers
Written by NathanRoberts (277 comments posted) 22nd July 2008 | | Cheers
Written by NathanRoberts (277 comments posted) 22nd July 2008 | |
Written by NathanRoberts (277 comments posted) 22nd July 2008 | oops, three cheers!
Phil: yeah, you may be right about the 'the'. Not sure. You could have 'a camera pans from above remains' and that would be grammatically correct, I think. The meaning is pretty clear though, isn't it? Also, it's another case of fragmented imagery. It might sound like a get out clause, but poems don't have to follow the same strict grammatical guidelines as prose.
John: I will consider your suggestion when I come back to the poem in a few weeks time (with a fresh eye). You may well be right.
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