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Poetry
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Washing Up
By Katanga
19 July 2008

A domestic scene . . . [edited to take on board NathanRoberts' suggestions in the reviews]

Cheers!

John X



Washing Up


Time drips from my shirt sleeves,
I do the washing up.
You pick up the pieces
when I break yet another cup.

Talk is not our purpose,
nor conversation our aim -
we dry up muttering how
the other is to blame

for countless minor mishaps - 
shattered dreams and broken glass -
and one major accident,
our marriage.

Time drips from my shirt sleeves,
I do the washing up.
Will you throw away the pieces,
when I break our very last cup?

Reviews
Wow
Written by Hellcat (63 comments posted) 19th July 2008
I like this one - flows well. Speaks to the reader. Nice.
Brilliant
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3590 comments posted) 19th July 2008
The first line was inspired and the rest didn't disappoint. It was a wonderful metaphor for a relationship.This was so subltley understated and positively dripped with subtext. Just long enough to make your point and leave the reader to do some work. Less is definitely more here. 
This is one of those standout poems that make this site such a joy 
jane 

Written by Josie (2849 comments posted) 19th July 2008
Agree with Jane. How very sad to have a life like that.
yeah
Written by Hellcat (63 comments posted) 19th July 2008
but I bet you could write a poem about the good stuff in the relationship too

Written by NathanRoberts (277 comments posted) 20th July 2008
Hi John, 
 
I think you've got something here. It's a simple scene capturing a more complex subtext.  
 
I had a couple of thoughts/ideas about it, not sure what you, or others, think... 
 
 
'mouldy' plates doesn't quite work for me. A mouldy plate does suggest neglect (which is probably appropriate), but it's not really a 'mishap'. 
 
And, what do you think about cutting 'is a farce'? 
 
'and one major accident: 
our marriage.' 
 
A darker tone, and the impact of cutting off the expected rhyme may be too much? 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Rob! Yes . . .
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 20th July 2008
I am learning a lot from you and experimenting with your suggestions . . .  
 
Please keep 'em coming! 
 
And thank you so much, Hellcat, Jane and Josie - you really motivate me. Beware! Ha! 
 
Cheers! 
 
John
Better, Rob?
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 20th July 2008
I've just edited accordingly - hope you approve? 
 
Cheers! 
 
John X (Just swamped by Rachel, bless!)

Written by Phil (7001 comments posted) 21st July 2008
With Jane on this one - top notch. Simple, well developed and enough there to engage the grey matter. 
 
Really like it. 
 
Phil
Ditto
Written by JourneyAtNight (318 comments posted) 21st July 2008
to all of the above. Simple yet brimming with hidden meaning. 
 
Truly excellent. Cheers.

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