I sat there staring down into the hole as if it would go on forever and I thought, I wonder if that’s how it felt for her. Did she just suddenly step forward and fall for eternity? Never to hit the floor, never to feel anything again. I looked up into the sky, the storm clouds which had been threatening all day had parted to make way for a glorious sun. That was what she’d been like I thought, always parting any grey cloud with a grin and letting the sun shine through. “What’s the point in being miserable when life is so great?”, was what she used to say. I wondered if she would still think the same now, now that she had taken her own life. So soon when she still had so much she could give. I’m sorry, I suppose you’re a little confused. Maybe I should start from the beginning.

My name is Daniel Harris and her name was Stacy Wilson. We are both 17 years, 4 months and 35 days old. I always remember our birthday because we were born on the same day. We haven’t stopped being friends since, we were never apart , we were practically related. We were born in the same hospital, even our mothers bed’s had been opposite each other. We were next door neighbours, we went to the same nursery, primary school, secondary school and we had been all set to go to the same college

It was just after we started college that I notice the changes. At first she was abnormally quiet and really sharp, I just assumed she was overwhelmed with work, then it got worse, she started to ignore me. She barely spoke to me at school and she never answered my phone calls. It was at this point I started to think it was something I’d done. I tried to apologise but every time I went round there her mother said she was busy. I knew something was up, Stacy wouldn’t make out that I’d dropped out of existence for no reason but what could I so? I decided to keep my eye on her at school, where she couldn’t avoid me. At first she just seemed to be herself, smiling, being pleasant, acting normal and I wondered if maybe I’d just imagined all that other stud outside school. However a few weeks later I noticed her marks started to drop. It was only little things at first, a C where there should have been an A, a 70% that should have been 90. Things slowly got worse as the weeks went by. She was getting D’s and E’s for weeks, having to stay behind after class. They even talked about getting in a specialist. I tried talking to teachers and students but none of them knew what was going on. I longed to help her but with her ignoring me what could I so? I decided to just let her behaviour run its course, maybe it was just a phase and would eventually pas. All the same I could feel that something was telling me that something really bad was going to happen, and that something was right.

It wasn’t until a week before the exams were due to start that it happened. I was sitting at home ploughing through notes, Stacy and I had been massive bookworms when we were together. Now normally I would e ploughing through but tonight I was finding it hard to concentrate. I couldn’t stop thinking about Stacy, I felt a fool just sitting here letting whatever was eating away at her go on. My thoughts were suddenly interrupted by my mobile ringing. Without looking at the screen I picked up “Hello Stacy…” I said in a rush.

There was silence down the phone for a few moments then a shaky almost tearful voice answered “Daniel…it’s Mrs Wilson here”.

My heart skipped a beat, Stacy’s mum! What could she want? I held my voice steady as I replied “what can I do for you Mrs Wilson”. I prayed in that one moment that it was a question about the exams or she wanted to talk to my mum, I would have settled for anything but what was coming.

Mrs Wilson paused for a moment then, with her voice shaking and almost crying she said, “I’m in the hospital Daniel…it’s Stacy”. I didn’t let her finish, I hung up the phone and bolted down the stairs and out the front door. I made it to the hospital in 20 minuets by running all the way. I hurtled through the main doors with a vicious look from one of the nurses. Ignoring her I ran over to the reception desk. I was so out of breath I thought my throat was on fire. “Please…” I whispered hoarsely “I need to see Stacy Wilson…it’s urgent”.

The receptionist gave me a disapproving look over her spectacles “are you a family member?” she asked I a clipped tone.

I rolled my eyes, I couldn’t believe she was asking me this “No…” I said desperately “but…”.

“It’s alright” said a voice behind me I turned to see Mrs Wilson had appeared in the door way. I felt a huge sense of relief as I ran over to her , quietly she led me thought the double doors into the waiting room. Then before I could say anything Mrs Wilson, the strong reliable Mrs Wilson burst into tears and flung her arms around me.

I looked up at her “what is it Mrs Wilson?” I asked desperate to know “tell me what’s going on”.

Mrs Wilson looked at me out of her tearful eyes “Stacy’s taken an overdose” she said with an extremely shaky voice. I stopped and stared at her, I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t breath then everything went dark. I must have blacked out after that because the next think I knew Mrs Wilson was shaking me. I sat up feeling as though I’d just dropped 24 stories in an elevator. Mrs Wilson placed her hand on my shoulder tenderly, I looked up at her “where’s Stacy?” I asked, my voice trembling now.

Solemnly Mrs Wilson said “she’s in the operating theatre, they’re pumping her stomach now”. I just sat there still not believing it, Stacy taking an overdose? That wasn’t the girl I knew.

I looked up at Mrs Wilson, a look of pure desperation in my eyes “what can we do?” I asked.

Mrs Wilson just shook her head, “they say there’s nothing we can do but wait”. I stared at her disbelievingly, WAIT! My best friend was in there possibly dieing and they wanted us just to wait. Mrs Wilson sat down on a chair with her head in her hands. “My little girl” she sobbed “my poor little girl”. I just stood there feeling like such an idiot, I should have seen what was coming, I should have known what was going on. Stacy was my best friend and I had left her to deal with it on her own. Not being able to focus I paced the room like a mad man.

After what felt like an eternity a doctor walked through the double doors accompanied by a nurse. I looked up at him, this was it. This was the man who could make all the difference. He held all the cards, he held the judgement over Stacy’s life. He looked at Mrs Wilson and then at me I remember everything about him, his voice was all flat and monotonic like a zombie and he twitched his face as through what he had to say would hurt him more than us. He stood there fore a moment and then in the silence, like the angel of death he spoke “Mrs Wilson, we did everything we could but I’m afraid your daughter died”. I sat down with a thump, I couldn’t move, I couldn’t think, I thought I couldn’t breath. It was though I’d stopped all together, Stacy was dead, the one person I cared more that anything else in the world was dead. I looked up at the doctor and it may sound stupid down but at that moment I blamed him. He was the one who’d made this happen, he could have stopped it but he didn’t.

I felt Mrs Wilson’s hand on my shoulder as she spoke to me softly “Daniel…” she said cautiously “Daniel say something”. I looked up at Mrs Wilson and then I looked at the doctor. He was just standing there, he didn’t care, he couldn’t know what it felt like. Stacy meant nothing to him.

Then very slowly I glared at him and said “No”. Mrs Wilson looked at me with deep concern and placed her hand on my knee, I turned my face away from her. I could feel my heart wrenching inside my ribs with every second she had her hand on me. Then it happened, all the rage I had been feeling inside me boiled over. “NO, NO, NO!” I shouted and I launched myself at the doctor gripping his collar in my fist. “This is your fault!” I shouted “you could have saved her, she could still be alive here. SHE WAS MY FRIEND AND YOU KILLED HER!”

I felt Mrs Wilson’s hands on me a second before she wrenched me away. She turned me round to face her looking straight into her eyes. “Daniel listen to me” she said sternly “there was nothing her could do”. I felt my heart’s final wrench and I broke down, I collapsed on the floor, my tears soaked my clothes and the floor surrounding me but I didn’t care. Stacy was gone, there was nothing I could do, for all I cared I could die then and there.

I don’t remember much about the next few days. Kids from school, teachers and parents all offering their sympathy but it meant nothing to me if it couldn’t get Stacy back. I just walked around nodding and saying thank you but inside I was empty, I was just an empty shell with no soul. Without Stacy in my life I knew it all meant nothing to me. Mrs Wilson asked me to speak at the funeral, and I did. At first I didn’t want to but then I thought, how would Stacy feel if I let people bury her knowing nothing about her. It was thinking about Stacy that got me through it I suppose. Although I knew she was dead and nothing would bring her back I couldn’t just let things get on top of me. The funeral was crowded with people, all who came and grieved but when it came down to it, I was happy. It may sound stupid but although the was dead I knew that where she was she was being protected from the things that could hurt her and I suppose being happy that she was safe was the best thing I could do for her.

I remember that day after the funeral sitting on a bench outside the church remembering Stacy’s words “what’s the point in being miserable when life is so great?” and I began to ask myself that question, what was the point? I mean yea, I’d lost a friend but would Stacy have anted me to loose everything else? No, I had known that all along. I had known that Stacy would want me to keep on living my life, she had helped me so much and I know she wouldn’t want it all to be for nothing. At that point, for the first time in weeks I smiled. I felt the warmth come back into my heart and I felt the hardness of my soul wear off. I got to my feet and put my hands in my pockets. Then I strode off down the road, I had the happiness back in my life, I had the spring back in my step. Stacy’s death had helped me see things a lot clearer. A sudden end had turned into a new beginning.