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Morphine Kisses
By Nick
20 July 2008
Comments, thoughts and gripes all appreciated

    I'm gripping the button with all my might.  Pressing it will cause morphine to course through my body sending me to a dreamless, painless sleep.  I have no intention of pressing the button.  I’m alive and the pain comforts me.  

    I realise I'm in the hospital but I've no real idea why.  I cannot move and the only thing I can see is the ceiling.  The beep of a machine is the only noise except for the occasionally sound of distant footsteps.  I'm not sure why I'm in this state but I know I nearly died and the last thing I want to do is close my eyes.  A one on one meeting with the reaper is enough to keep anyone awake for a while.

    Slowly my mind starts showing me images, like my own personal black box recorder.  A flash of a nightclub, laughing with my friends, trying to piss straight after to many vodka shots.  In an instant it all comes flooding back, the fear, the pain, the outrage and last but not least the anger and thoughts of revenge.

    My mind is still not running at 100% so I'm struggling to keep the thoughts in my head, I want to see the face of the man who attacked me but it's all just blurred images of anger and hate.  

    I can remember an argument but it didn't involve us.  It was a man and a woman in the taxi rank outside the club, arguing about something and then the man punched her full in the face.  I can remember hearing shouts of protest aimed at the guy but then all I can see is the pavement and something reflecting the neon signs at me.

    My mind opens up further and I realise I've been stabbed.  Not just once but repeatedly, in the stomach, in my thigh and my arm.  My memories are so vivid now it feels like I'm being attacked again.  Fear rushes through my system like some unwanted drug, I'm starting to panic and I'm soaking the bed sheets with sweat.  I can't take it any longer.  I push the button and immediately get a sweet kiss from my dear friend morphine.  

    I have no idea what time it is or in fact what day it is but it doesn't matter.  I've still got a tight grip on the button and one quick push will relieve me of everything.  My mind is clearer now.  I know what's happened but I still don't really know how badly injured I am.  All I want to do is leave this place and get revenge.  I didn't do anything to these fucks, but somehow I ended up a bloody mess anyway.  Maybe we need a change of laws.  I say an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.  Or in my case I just want to ram a bloody massive knife down someone's throat.

    I guess revenge isn't the answer but I can't help what I feel.  Maybe another kiss from my friend will help.
***

    I've been awake now for several hours.  The police came by and informed me of my situation.  Apparently after the man in the taxi rank punched his girlfriend, the few of us who witnessed this tried to intervene.  As we did a group of his friends came out of the club and a fight started.  From the CCTV footage they could see that I was smacked on the back of the head with a bottle, which sent me sprawling to the ground.  The same guy who did this then proceeded to stab me several times.  His last blow missed and he drop the knife.  I managed to picked it up and stabbed him in the throat before collapsing through loss of blood.

    I now know that I'm a murderer.  I've been trying to get my head around this for awhile.  I've taken a life and I can't even picture his face.  Who was he?, why did he carry a knife? Did he have a family that loved him?  When I first woke up, revenge was all I thought about and how justified and righteous I would feel getting it.  Now all I feel is guilt and anger.

    Guilt at having taken a life but anger because I was being attacked and in defending myself I had to kill someone.  No matter what way I looked at it, I am a killer.  Nothing will ever change that.  People can say I was attacked and the other guy had it coming but it won't help.  I have blood on my hands and all I can do now is press the button and forget about it all.
***

     I've asked them to stop the morphine for awhile.  They didn't want too but I wanted to say my goodbyes with a clear mind and not through a haze of drugs.  I have internal bleeding and they can't stop it.  I have only hours to live and then it's the end game.  

    My family and friends have been and gone.  They cried, I cried and then we   laughed some but in the end there was nothing to say.  I took a life and now my life is to be taken.  It doesn't really feel fair but what can you do.  I don't think god has a suggestion box.  

    Everything is slowly turning black and my mind won't stop working, images of the dead  fill my head like a never ending show reel.  They just keep coming and coming and I can do nothing to stop them.  All the pain and sorrow I've suffered and caused just keep circling my brain with no thoughts of the future and the joy it could've brought.  

    If only I had some hope left then maybe I could hang on a little longer but my life is circling the mortal drain and I've lost my grip on the side.  Swirling, swirling, all the way down to the bottom and onto the next life.  I'm far too far from heaven but do I  deserve to be in hell?

Reviews

Written by TwistedTales (548 comments posted) 21st July 2008
Umm, quite intense. But, I think this would read better if written in the third person POV. The problem with the 1 person POV is when you describe some of the things such as wetting the sheets etc, it kind of sounds forced. And also, that way, you can cut back on some of the 'telling' - such as "it doesn't really feel fair" (but what can you do - i think this isn't required) and few other places as well. Some of the typos that I noticed -  
 
occasionally - occasional sound of.... 
 
to many vodka shots - too many 
 
to picked it up and stabbed him - I managed to pick it up and stab him 
 
they didn't want too - want to 
 
the end game - end of game? 
 
My family and friends have been and gone - have come and gone?  
 
god - God 
 
As I said, try to write in the 3rdperson POV, which will allow you to get some distance. 
 
Regards, 
TT

Written by TallulahBelle (13 comments posted) 22nd July 2008
I liked the basis for this piece - someone waking up in hospital wondering how they got there is a tried and trusted technique. However, there were a few contradictions for me that weakened it a little, as the narrator seems to hop about in his thinking - at first he is enraged and wants desperately to kill someone, but when he finds out he has, his overwhelming guilt doesn't seem to fit. Also, we never really find out anything personal about the protagonist, which I feel makes empathy more difficult - perhaps you could slot a few poignant details in there, such as info about his girlfriend who is just hinted at, so that we are really made to care about the life he is leaving behind. 
It wasn't clear to me whether he was dying involuntarily or whether this was a suicide, perhaps you could make this more evident?  
I loved the title, which is what drew me to the story and I think you could incorporate the drugged element into it even more as some kind of metaphor - perhaps he has always tried to escape reality in some way? 
All in all an interesting read, thanks for sharing!

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3590 comments posted) 22nd July 2008
I thought this was an ambitious piece. I’ve tried my hand at the internal monologue style and it is difficult to keep the interest going and maintain a coherence narrative as you only have one POV. So I think you have done very well here; by using flashbacks to fill in the backstory you kept the story going. It was well paced and well judged for the most part but there were a few inconsistencies. As already stated he is full of revenge then full of remorse. I thought he was shut in his world and yet he can talk to the staff. If others can talk to him surely they would have re-assured him as soon as he woke up.? 
I thought you handled his emotional state well at the end. It was quite poignant. 
Considering the title I thought that the morphine should have made a stronger presence in the story, it’s almost incidental. It could be used as a metaphor, as TB says, to deepen the story, or for irony as the thing that gives him comfort is also killing him. Putting it in the title raises expectations 
That said it is a powerful and well-written piece that held my attention 
 

Written by Nick (163 comments posted) 22nd July 2008
TT/TB/BBS - Thanks for your lengthy and very helpful comments. 
 
I'll take all this on board when I get round to a re-write. 
 
TT - As always, thanks for pointing out the typos and if I can defend myself on one of the error's you noticed - "End Game" was intentional as it refers to the final or end of something. Not sure if it's proper English but I like the phrase. Unfortunately you are right about the rest!! 
 
TB/BBS - Regarding the "full of rage/Remorse" bit of the story I was trying to get across the feeling of anger but knowing he would never actually do anything like take revenge. Having re-read it with this in mind I realise I didn't make it very clear, amongst other things. 
 
Anyway thanks again 
 
Nick

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