MR FOCUS: Jeff.Fernandez@islingtonpct.nhs.uk

Mr Focus... yes that's what they call me. But to hell with them who are they to make fun of me in that way really. I have struggled to get here, more than anybody does, really I have. They have all had the coaching and parental support and consent. I never had these and it looks like I never will.

* * * * *

" Come on son... you need to come with us."

He was a kind man and smiled in a very sympathetic way. He put his arm on my shoulder, and I must admit is felt re-assuring then. He passed me through a whole lot of people before he but me into the van which was going to the station.

" I know this is a grave situation son... really you never really know what can happen. But after you start to feel better we really need to talk to you."

I knew that was coming, but bollocks...I was only ten years old and now had no-one.

" Did you think she was depressed at all."

" ...Who?" I replied, knowing what he meant but really unable to focus.

" Your mother...was she ever depressed at all as far as you know?"

" I never knew really she was always high on something or other with many people in the house."

" Did she ever use drugs in front of you?"

" I guess yes and I saw her once but she said it was insulin."

The man turned to his colleague and asked

" Did social services know of this situation?"

"No..."

" What a cock-up. Another life lost and another life let down."

I remember it all so vividly. I guess something like that will never leave you and never be resolved. I have tried myself, in my own head to make some sense from this but to be honest, I cannot. It all seems too heavy. I tried with the professionals and their CBT stuff. All it did was cause me pain. However despite my childhood making me a miserable bastard, I found an outlet where it could work for me and give me that edge. It was running.

I mean life in the care home was not something I really wanted for myself. There were some real bullies at that place, I had my fair share of ‘kickings' from the wardens and the kids. However, I started to gain respect and a physique from racing. I was instantly good at it. It really got me noticed by PE teachers and the club coaches in the sport.

I was getting older and more powerful. My sport had taught me to eat the right foods and to be really organised as well, in terms of training and building up my strength, weight and muscle. This gave me an air of power and the bullies started to stay away from me, and some even came to watch me infact. Still, it did not seem to be that important, as the running and the winning started to compensate for the pain I had felt since that incident which took my mum from me. The admiration I received from the people who watched me and the coaches behind me, helped to ease it at certain moments. It was the only thing that did really. Like a drug, like my mother, I craved it more and more and this gave me the drive to win. Ironic that success and happiness are really build out of pain and suffering. I know that is not always the case, but for me that was the truth.

It was hard to get along with the other athletes as they seemed so different with different experiences of life. They had families who would come and see them, and take an interest it all of the things they achieved. I had none of that. I felt so unloved sometimes it made me really distant from the others. Although I knew I had to get along with people there were so few people I got on well with really. Those people had known me the longest and from the ‘home'. They had damaged lives the same way I did, there was definitely a connection with them. For the other athletes talking about their girlfriends and their families was hard for me to hear`. All I could translate from these conversations was the pain I had by being denied these simple things. I felt hurt by it all, it was not my fault my mother ended her life, but I had anger at that. However, I challenged this anger into my running. I was so unbeatable this season because of it. My coach was starting to worry.

" Hey...as long as you are running, it is a use for you...but what about when you cannot run anymore? What will become of the pain then?"

I knew he had a point. I was worried that it would eat my personality up and rewrite it into a self-destructive type. I knew at that point in my life, proper counselling will probably help then. I will be older and more mature in my reflection to think of a way out from the pain. It also scared me sometimes, as it resembled a vacuum and it feel like it was sucking out my soul.

" Bad things happen... it is how you deal with them which defines a person."

My coach was wise and a good mentor for me. He had the knack of teaching me how to run, as it is harder than it looks... take my word on that. Also he had a knack with words. Sometimes calming, sometimes highly inspirational. I knew that was why I stayed with him, he seemed to be one of the most consistent people in my life and really looking out for me. I know for him there have been some difficult situations for him to work out but really. I ran for him as he had my respect as well as for myself.

Tannoy

Voice over the loud speaker

" Get ready and in order we are going to the track. Single file now."

It's the call. This is the final and it is always a position I find a problem. There is so much nervous tension out on the waiting area, I am not sure why no-one has ever started crying, I mean you can also touch the emotion in the area itself. But I must not let that get to me. From previous races at the start of my career, this feeling was so hard to deal with it badly affected my racing. Like I said, my coach was an inspiration to me, he told be to channel and focus on the real reasons I was there, in the final. It was because I had the making of a champion and at this level 0.05 of a second can make or break a champion. I had to focus and orientate myself to what I needed in terms of motivation. I tapped into my pain, it always worked for me to give me that little extra. It made me so absorbed in thought, that I never heard anyone speak to me before races. They thought this was aloof behaviour, but most of this field in front of me had been bitten by my reason for focussing that now they never came near me. I never really liked any of them anyway. So no loss there, then.

Voice on the loud speaker

" Right in single file and order... out we go"

This is the moment I have worked for all year. It is the true champion who can handle this pressure and this make the race work out and be in a real winning position at the end. This was being televised across the world and in effect, being in the final had made this whole field into mini celebrities. Some warmed to this more than others, I was a distant, cold type and always referred to as the professional.

Voice over the loud speaker

" Get ready and in order we are going to the track. Single file now."

It's the call. This is the final and it is always a position I find a problem. There is so much nervous tension out on the waiting area, I am not sure why no-one has ever started crying, I mean you can also touch the emotion in the area itself. But I must not let that get to me. From previous races at the start of my career, this feeling was so hard to deal with it badly affected my racing. Like I said, my coach was an inspiration to me, he told be to channel and focus on the real reasons I was there, in the final. It was because I had the making of a champion and at this level 0.05 of a second can make or break a champion. I had to focus and orientate myself to what I needed in terms of motivation. I tapped into my pain, it always worked for me to give me that little extra. It made me so absorbed in thought, that I never heard anyone speak to me before races. They thought this was aloof behaviour, but most of this field in front of me had been bitten by my reason for focussing that now they never came near me. I never really liked any of them anyway. So no loss there, then.

Voice on the loud speaker

" Right in single file and order... out we go"

This is the moment I have worked for all year. It is the true champion who can handle this pressure and this make the race work out and be in a real winning position at the end. This was being televised across the world and in effect, being in the final had made this whole field into mini celebrities. Some warmed to this more than others, I was a distant, cold type and always referred to as the professional.

I was never one for the celebrity circuit or even the talk shows that were starting to become far more frequent that I wanted really. Most of the runners here apart from the odd few had been on the sports shows preceding the games and this final. This race was the ‘big' one and although there were the obvious favourites, again anything can happen. The second favourite picked up an injury in the heats and had to retire. The fifth favourite failed in the semi-finals. There are two new runners in their first finals as we line up. That always makes me more nervous. New runners at this stage of the race are an unknown quantity and the surprise medal positions are always disturbed by this alone.

I had my motivation though and it had served me well so far this year. I was the favourite and had won every race this year except one. That was the foot injury guy, yes.. him lining up in the fifth lane who beat me but that was by a whisker. I think its his ‘dip' which I do admire really. Excellent talent but injury prone...something about his ex-girlfriend and fridge I think broke his foot. Well...whatever, I will not fail this time and I had taken a few tips off him and perfected my dip. If I needed this in the race and it was close, I knew what I had to do.

Official

" It is 8.36 in four minutes the event will start. You will receive a countdown and on the sound of the gun firing, you will start, not before. In the event of two false starts you will be dis-qualified." 

Of course I had to be more aware of that then most. Sometimes when I let the atmosphere get to me I seem to really jump the gun and let my timing slip. I had had one false start this season, it ruined my start when I did finally start running and the foot guy won. At this level it is the little things that cost you.

" Relax... be confident in your own ability. You are a champion and that in itself to look at in the flesh is intimidating for the other races. In terms of psychology, you create more problems for other runners that they create for you. Always remember that."

I started to repeat this again and again in my head. It seemed to calm me and I stared straight down the track. Running and winning had given me something that made sense of the pain I had before. It eased my suffering and made me use the bad karma in me, as a positive. This race was for my mother, God rest her sole. My coach, the only man who really stuck by me over the eight years and has made me move from a boy with talent to a man. However, this race and winning the thing was more important, for me.

Official

"On your marks....get set.....Go

Hear the fire of the gun and the running commentary.