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Domestic Violence

By Katanga

20 July 2008

A jolly attempt at a Shakepearian sonnet - trying to get more concrete!

Disclaimer: I have never hit anyone romantically!

Ha!

Cheers, Rob, and All!

John X

Domestic Violence

Mouth smacked, jaw cracked, you crawl towards the door,
cheek rips, blood drips, we're at it tooth and nail.
I call, "Come here!" to no avail - no more
can you forgive me what I've done - you fail
to find the handle of the door, collapse
onto the concrete floor, your body heaps.
curled up in pain, and yet again love snaps -
I cannot say, "I'm sorry!" Anger leaps
upon the back of your long-worn despair,
that staunches blood, but knows no second chance
of love, where once we could at last repair
the rip, the tear, and go back to the dance
where all are one, and one is all again,
where I would not face your cowering abject pain.

Reviews

A good start at a sonnet...
Written by amsford (17 comments posted) 21st July 2008

...but the last line's out of meter. You've got 12 syllables in that line. Perhaps you could change it to:

"where I'd not face your cow'ring abject pain."

to keep iambic pentameter.

Also, I'm not quite sure where you are going with the last couplet, Usually it's the answer, or a reversal of the three quatrains, but I'm not quite sure what the last line has to do with line 13.

I always like it when someone steps outside him- or herself to test another's point of view. That said -- why THIS point of view? What point are you making by speaking from the POV of an abusive boyfriend? Are you attempting to make the instigator of the pain more sympathetic? Whether that was your intention, that is kind of what you've done, and it makes me wonder why...

Finally, your title has already been used by Eavan Boland for a fantastic poem... just FYI!

OK, and I just re-read all of that, and I realize that I might sound too harsh... I don't mean to be super-negative, I'm just trying to be constructive. I very much appreciate someone who is attempting to write in a mode that is so structured. I haven't been able to get there myself, so my hat's off to you for that!!

Cheers,
-Anne

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