D 

Defecation  (See ‘Dump’.)

Diarrhoea (Verbal) 

This dangerous condition afflicts the English after a glass or two of sherry. 

Dick  

Male organ or idiotic English gentleman (see ‘Prick’).
 

Note: Your bedside book of famous men (see ‘Jolen’) and women would be incomplete without a mention of Ophelia Dixon-Mundy, who gave an address (not her own) to a weekend orgy – the Headmasters’ Association Division of the National Union of Teachers’ Conference (The HAD NUTS Conference).
 

Dildo   

A usually plastic, with-no-sharp-edges (so safe) plaything for English men and women.
 

Note: If your visit coincides with Christmas, and you want to buy your hosts some presents, why not order a few from your nearest toyshop?
 
Additional Note: The classically-educated amongst you will be familiar with the tragedy of the two ill-fated lovers, Dildo and Any-Ass, recounted by Virgil in The Aeneid. Apparently Any-Ass was not only careless, but callous to boot – he left her behind on an island and flatly refused to go back and get it!
 
Those of you who are cunning linguists will know that this witticism is only made possible by the fact that ‘her’ can be either a personal pronoun (accusative case) or a possessive adjective, and that ‘behind’ can be either a common noun or an adverb/preposition.
 

Be sure to point this out when recounting this tragic tale to your English companions over Afternoon Tea. They are bound to be fascinated.

Beware! As with some previous entries, you may provoke not a little merry mirth if, when a bit late for an appointment, you say,

 ‘I’m afraid I’m a little behind.’
 

Dirty   (See ‘Knickers’.)

Dump  

Defecation – in other words, a serious call of nature. As with all things lavatorial (see ‘Toilet’), the English have difficulty in selecting the most appropriate expressions. This one is particularly formal, so, if Afternoon Tea seems to be dragging on interminably, you can announce,
 

‘I’m just going for a dump.’
 

Your hosts will nod wisely and start clearing away the tea things, which is a signal that it is acceptable for you to escape.
 
Note: This reminds the author of a wonderful little book, now thankfully back in print, by Kenneth Walker, called The Log of the Ark. On Noah’s instructions, the animals arrive two-by-two to board the Ark before it starts raining. One pair are a particularly round-shaped species (sadly now extinct), who get about by rolling, which means they can only travel downhill, which might explain their extinction. Anyway, they roll down a nearby hill (how they got up it in the first place is a mystery) and into the side of the Ark, one momentarily behind the other, having built up no little momentum, and in doing so earn themselves the name ‘The Wumpety Dumps’.
 
It’s amazing the lengths to which the English will go in order to try to ‘sweeten’ words which are essentially distasteful to them (cf. Winnie the Pooh, by A.A. Milne, and The Wind in the Willows, by Kenneth Grahame. Also the gloriously succinct double sweetness of Humpty Dumpty, who was rather careless, not unlike Any-Ass, when he inexplicably fell off an erection when he wasn’t paying attention to his surroundings).

E

Ejaculation (See ‘My arse!’ under the ‘Arse’ entry.)
 

Note: This may be premature if you haven’t at least taken a sip of coffee before commenting.

Entry 

A sometimes rude importunism. A traditional English tale, again featuring Messrs Holmes and Watson and again evidencing the several-times-aforementioned fixation on the behind, runs as         follows:

The crime-busting pair are not on holiday this time, but at home in their flat at 221b  Baker Street one evening, when Holmes, fully fortified by a glass of sherry and his customary pipe of opium (see ‘Crack’), advances on Watson, wildly brandishing a piece of fruit:

 ‘Bend over, Watson!’ says he.

 ‘What on earth for, Holmes?’

 ‘A lemon entry, my dear Watson!’

Note: This is another one you can use to enrichen and raise the tone of intercourse at Afternoon Tea.

Erection 

Informal word for a building of any kind.
 

Note: If on a sightseeing tour of London, be sure to please your guide by saying such complimentary things as,
 
‘You really do have some magnificent erections, but St Paul’s is the most astonishing one I’ve seen so far today!’
 
Also, more formally, this word is used in a political context. In England, General Erections are usually held once every five years, while local ones are held more frequently, but don’t last as long.

F

Fallopian Tube 

An underground transport system of women-only carriages, set up not long ago by the Mayor of London to ensure greater safety for female travellers.
 

Note: If you are new to London, be sure to ask for a Fallopian Tube Guide at your nearest station. You may get a puzzled response, but this is because the system has only recently been introduced, so keep insisting, and ultimately demand to see the Station Master, and if he’s no good, the Regional Transport Manager.

You may find yourself being whisked off to the local hospital (psychiatric or gynaecological wing), but this is because the English are just plain daft (see ‘Incest’).
 
Fart   

Produce an anal expression of profound satisfaction - ‘anal’ because it involves no words.
 
A polite, formal, euphemistic expression for the vulgar ‘Break Wind’ (see separate entry).

Note: The English can do this at will, but practice makes perfect, as they say, so take every opportunity to practise after the traditional breakfast of beans etc. This will impress and amaze your English companions, especially the ladies, who are less skilful than the gentlemen.
 
Fart (Fanny) 

Sometimes expressed as ‘Fun Fart’. Again, for the cunning linguists amongst you, ‘bilabial fricative plosive’ is the best definition. Non-linguists are advised to ask any elderly English lady. 

Note: The English are less than skilful in producing these, though they are not unheard of, or indeed unheard, at yoga classes. If the host mother where you are staying is thinking of taking up such classes, it will only be fair for you to warn her about this.

Fellatio 

Something rude, but jolly, done to a fella.

Note: This is most likely to occur after a glass of sherry.
 

Friendship   

A difficult concept for English gentlemen, since no sooner has an example of it got off the ground than all sorts of repressed feelings try to surface, and usually succeed.

Fundament   

The basis of all things under Heaven and Earth, hence 'Bottom’ (see separate entry).
 

Note: If you are suffering from ‘The Bum’s Rush’ (see previous entry), you can raise some fundamental issues over Afternoon Tea.
 
Fundamental    

Describes someone who is positively obsessed with bottoms, unlike the author, he hastens to add.

G
 

Gay   

Happy, carefree and jolly – the English are not comfortable with being this, due to the importance of being earnest.
 

Note: After a Sunday afternoon’s happy, but aimless, drive in the English countryside, it will impress your friends to announce on your return that you’ve just spent several jolly hours gay cruising.
 
Gonorrhoea (See ‘Syphilis and Gonorrhoea’.)
 

G-Spot 

Exotic location of erotic arousal.
 

Note: Most English people have never heard of it, let alone found it, so don’t bother bringing it into your conversation unless there’s really nothing else to talk about.

H

Herpes (See ‘Cold Sore’.)
 

Holding Hands 

The meaning is clear, but this activity is frowned upon by the English, except if it occurs between small children or them and their mothers.
 
Note: This lack of social acceptability is culturally evidenced in the forlorn plea of the Beatles in 'I want to hold your hand!'
 
Of course, what they really wanted to sing was ‘I want to royally roger you rigid’, but they weren’t allowed to do this by Decca Records Ltd, and not just because it didn’t scan so well or rhyme with ‘I hope you’ll understand?’
 
Home (Sweet) 

‘An Englishman’s Home is his Castle’ will be a saying familiar to most of you, but perhaps not its true meaning.

‘Castle’ here is a corruption of ‘Arsehole’ – consider the pronunciation and an Englishman’s priorities in life.
 
Note: Similarly, ‘Elephant and Castle’ is a corruption of ‘Elephantine Arsehole’, an obese English gentleman.
 
Hot 

Above average temperature. In international English, as you will be aware, the word refers to a state of heightened sexual arousal.
 
Beware! When an English person says, ‘Gosh, I’m hot!’, this may not be an automatic invitation to bed, as it is on the Continent.
 
Hump 

Have intercourse with a camel (see ‘Sphincter’). 

Note: ‘To get the hump’ means to be mistaken for a camel, and be rogered royally from behind. Beware of this happening to you uninvited at sherry orgies.
 
Hymen 

English fellows gallivanting after a glass of sherry (see above).

I

Impotent 

Of Englishmen, high-ranking and dignified, as in:

‘Tony Blair is an impotent politician.’

 Note: There is a famous play by Oscar Wilde entitled 'The Impotence of being Earnest'.  Lucky Earnest…
 

Additional note: Ask your hosts whether any impotent people will be coming to Afternoon Tea, so that you can be sure to dress appropriately.
 
Incest 

What makes the English so adorably, and delightfully, daft.

Incontinent Abroad.

When outside the U.K., remind people back in England that you are incontinent when on the phone – this will make your calls quicker and cheaper. 

Note: ‘Incontinence Pants’ means ‘Holiday Trousers’, so enquire of your hosts where you can purchase some.

Intercourse 

Conversation, usually between the main course and the pudding.
 
Note: You can be sociable and suggest this thus,

‘How hungry are you? Shall we have intercourse now or later?’

J

Jerk Off 

Similar in meaning to ‘Rip Off’.

Note: Foreign tourists are not infrequently jerked off by unscrupulous English shop assistants – Beware!
 

Jiffy (See ‘Come’.)
 
John (See the author. Also ‘Toilet’.)
 
Jolen 

Brand and manufacturer’s name for a depilatory cream for removing, or at least bleaching, unwanted facial and pubic hair. If you find some in the bathroom cabinet, be sure to bring it up at Afternoon Tea.
 
There now follows a historical note, hopefully of some no little interest to you:

   The Tale of Jo and Len

 My ‘Bedside Book of Famous Men’
 Neglects to mention Jo and Len,
 Who, I feel, deserve their places
 For working wonders on the faces
 Of hirsute women everywhere,
 Removing their unwanted hair.

 My tale begins when Jo was three
 And perched upon his Nanny’s knee
 Unaware that from above
 Would shortly fall a sign of love.
 For Nanny kissed him on the head
 Prior to putting him to bed,
 And all night long he couldn’t sleep –
 His little scalp was all a-creep
 As if a moth were dancing there
 A light fandango in his hair.   
 Ah, Gentle Reader, you must know
 ’Twas Nanny’s ’tache that tickled so!

 We now move on to speak of Len
 Who, when Jo was three, was nearly ten.
 One day, when he was late for school,
 A mistress beat him with a rule
 Whose upper lip so curled with hair
 That he decided then and there
 To make his fortune with a cream
 Which to women then was but a dream.
 

 And next we find them in a bar
 In Tooley Street – it’s not that far –
 Talking business hard and fast.
 Could they rid the world at last
 Of hairy women one and all,
 The thin, the fat, the short, the tall?
 My tale must end, you know the rest –
 I must admit, it’s not the best –
 But think, when next you use Jolen
 Of Jo at three and Len at ten!


       [to be continued K - Z]