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Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3590 comments posted) 21st July 2008 |
Sometimes when I read a piece I do wonder what inspired it and this is one of those times. This was a really haunting bit of writing. I don't know how it measures up as poetry but I was moved by it which is the important thing. I particularly liked the subtlety of their communication.
I would have liked to see this extended as a prose piece. It didn't "feel" like a poem. It could even have been scripted for voices. Just a difference in perspective.I'm not a poet.
Anyway a very moving piece
jane |
With Jane.
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 21st July 2008 |
A strange and moving piece, but I'm rather lost. I, too, have done the rounds of 'old-people's-homes' - most of my immediate older family died in them, so I can relate.
It's very different from your usual tightly-honed poetry, V., and I too wonder if a short story might do this strong piece more justice?
Please don't take my thought the wrong way!
Cheers!
John |
Written by JourneyAtNight (318 comments posted) 21st July 2008 |
Again, I agree - extremely moving.
It's strange, because although very prose-like, I think dragging it out in a short story would mar its effect by 'diluting' it with too many words. Don't know if I'm making sense.
Anyway, great piece. I liked it a lot.
E |
Written by stevetroster (1601 comments posted) 21st July 2008 |
Very nice, a clear picture of a touching exchange.
I can see no point in extending it, as it works perfectly well as is. And although you could always lay it out as prose, what's the point when it works perfectly well as is.
All the best,
Steve. |
Correction
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3590 comments posted) 21st July 2008 |
Just to correct Steve's misinterpretation of my comment. I wasn't suggesting you should do anything.I was just giving my reaction to the work. I was just expressing my feelings about it in a non didactic way. I thought I had made that clear.I thought it was a very powerful piece in its own right.
Perhaps he could stick to just commenting on the work.I'm not sure what the agenda is here but just for the record I was not suggesting you do anything to the work. Could someone please tell steve
jane |
Written by Robru (272 comments posted) 21st July 2008 |
Very moving and touching poem. Poem quality comment I leave to others. I thoroughly enjoyed my read as it is. I don't think extending the story in prose would achieve anything. Its excellent as it is. I have seen this happen when I used to read aloud to the inmates of an old persons home. Ithink the old man was deaf and the young lady was translating my reading into ' touch' language. Stay with it Veronica, it has a great impact. |
Written by TallulahBelle (13 comments posted) 22nd July 2008 |
I think this piece opens very strongly - we immediately find out where we are and the attempted cover-up of unpleasantness is brilliantly evoked in the first line.
I loved the prosey feel of it, that works for me. I think the line 'their worries and their hopes' has a little too much of the cliched 'hopes and dreams' in it and could perhaps be re-worked?
I think it might also be more powerful if we found out something that was troubling each of them, eg perhaps Lia is being bullied and he is the only one who knows?
Overall a lovely piece. Thanks for sharing! |
Interesting touches
Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 22nd July 2008 |
Not meant to be a pun but have it anyway ! 
I refer for instance to brownbooks of Braille,or smells of polish and of piss [/I ; and the immediacy in the use of the present tense plus the watcher's translations . Cool , neat observation rather than [I]prosey I would say.
There are some things I dislike such as the last line but that is a matter of personal taste only.
Spelling glitch correspondence
A most interesting effort with an interesting manipulation of point of view.
patterjack |
It's a poem!
Written by NathanRoberts (277 comments posted) 22nd July 2008 |
Disagree with BBS and John who seem a bit unsure of its poetic qualities.
Sorry to sound dogmatic guys, but this is most definately a poem and a really wonderful one too.
Just look at the internal sound echoes:
room/drowse/down/brown/books
smells/residents/antiseptic/stepping
passes/hands/marks/parting
to note a few.
Also those wonderful phrases:'high-backed, wing-backed chairs';'transferring phrases to his age-lined palm';'hands fluttering
with school news and memories' and the great opener:'In a room that smells of polish and of piss'.
The only slight negative point I have is with the last line, the pun sounds a bit corny.
Brilliant Vron!
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I humbly withdraw . . .
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 22nd July 2008 |
. . . my ill-considered comment above.
Thanks, Rob, for bringing to my clumsily numb attention some of those wonderful internal echoes.
It is, indeed, brilliant, Vron.
Please forgive my over-hasty crassness.
John |
Written by Brett (1002 comments posted) 22nd July 2008 |
I fail to see how this can be read as anything but poetry!
And what is more - bloody good poetry - there is regular rhythm and (as NR has observed) a wonderful array of assonance and consanance.
As always, V, your content interests and you are being quite daring regarding form of late (very refreshing). If this cannot be seen as poetry when half of the angst ridden, spewed out drivle that lacks even the slightest hint of verse can - then I shudder for GW.
Rant over - the poem (as poem it is deemed) I enjoyed immensely. Your alliteration in the second line of the second stanza flows effortlessly; the alliterative use of 'b' can often sound very clumsy, if not comical.
I very much liked 'A private correspondence; two by touch'.
A review above stated wanting to know more about the characters; I don't think this is necessary as it is the relationship between the two that is the strength of this piece: 'An hour passes, and the tea grows cold' says a whole lot more than describing the trauma of a school day or the reminiscences of the blind deaf man.
A very engaging piece.
Cheers |
Interesting...
Written by Veronica_Milvus (768 comments posted) 22nd July 2008 |
... the range of responses to this one. It isn't quite free verse - it is basically a blank pentameter form with a few stumpy little lines just for fun. But when I do try to write in this way, I quite often get accused of writing prose in disguise. I once re-hashed a poem into prose just because of that criticism. I wonder if this is because I adopt a narrative style when recounting these "true story" anecdotes rather than adopting a style where ornate language makes it more obviously poetry.
JorneyAtNight - you are absolutely right that I did not want to dilute this little vignette by extending it into a short story. For one thing, I had no idea what these two were actually saying to each other. What intrigued me was, how did Lia (the older sister of a school friend of mine) know this deaf / blind sign language? Why did she come and talk to this man? Had he been deaf / blind all his life? Who else could he actually speak to during the rest of the week in what was essentially a home for the blind? These were unanswered questions I wanted to leave hanging inthe mind of the reader, as well as telling of bridging a divide between the generations.
I also finished the poem using the verbs "talk" and "see" which were two things that these people were by definition not doing. Sorry if the last line seemed cheesy but I think I will leave it as is.
Thanks to my regular reviewers as well as to several of you who have not commented on my work before, kind of you to contribute, I appreciate it.
Vron |
My .02 (for what it's worth)
Written by amsford (17 comments posted) 23rd July 2008 |
Hey there-
I very much like the sound and flow of this poem... some phrases I enjoyed were "the silence he inhabits," "two by touch" and "hands fluttering. I also loved the surprise of the opening line.
Personally, I thought that "high-backed, wing-backed chairs" seemed a little forced with the "backed-backed" repetition (since there is no other word repetition in the piece). Maybe by adding another repeated word (or word part) that might work? Again, just my opinion.
And I do have to agree that the last line seems a little cliched. I think it is much more powerful to end on the "talk/see" oxymorons.
Just my .02!
Happy writing... |
Written by Phil (7007 comments posted) 23rd July 2008 |
Any piece of writing has to have some kind of impact to reach out to its readers - and this has it. Poetic form aside - you reach into the two characters and give the reader (at least, this one) a glimpse into something different and affecting. Wonderful piece.
As for its construction - largely irrelevant, as the impact is high - but it does lend a certain quality to the piece.
Top class.
Phil |
Phil, your criticism
Written by Brett (1002 comments posted) 24th July 2008 |
is faultless. Not only are you the most consistent of reviewers, but one of the most constructive and insightful.
You have summed up in a few simple words what I couldn't in a rambling review.
Sorry, V.
Cheers |
Written by Brett (1002 comments posted) 24th July 2008 |
amsford - forgot to mention this in my previous comment - how can 'high backed, wing backed' seem forced? And how on earth would repitition of another word seem this less so to you? Only my opinion, but I am interested to know why you feel such lines do not work!
Cheers |
Repetition . . .
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 24th July 2008 |
. . . rules okay!
Love your piece, Vron, despite my earlier stupidity!
Look at my favourite poem, 'The Song of Wandering Aengus' by W.B. Yeats for great examples of powerful repetition - 'hazel', 'moths' and, extraordinarily, 'And'!
None of us could get away with it!
I went out to the hazel wood
Because a fire was in my head
And cut and peeled a hazel wand
And hooked a berry to a thread
And when white moths were on the wing
And moth-;ike stars were flickering out
I dropped the berry in a stream
And caught a little silver trout.
[and so on, with lots more brilliant repetitions]
Cheers!
John X |
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