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By kitten_princess
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29 December 2005 |
Not sure about this, I think it needs work. One two three,
Trinity. God.
Jesus.
Holy Ghost. For some, it's real.
For the rest, it's not. For me, it's my lamp post. Three two one,
Father, son. Amen. |
Written by amboline (183 comments posted) 6th January 2006 | I like the simplicity. It reminds me a little of the Celtic blessings. I also like the "shape" that it produces on the page/screen - don't know if this was intentional but it works very well!
The bit I *don't* like is the third stanza. "For some it's real. For the rest it's not" just seems incredibly trite to me, and lacking in the sort of personal connection that the other stanzas express very well.
A possibility would be to lose these two lines altogether and add an extra line, with the same sort of shape, to the next stanza. Exactly what would go there is entirely up to you, but that next line is very reminiscent of Psalm 119 ("your word is a lamp unto my feet" etc.) and I'm sure you'll find dozens of possible images there! |
Written by no1butClo (337 comments posted) 18th January 2006 | lol kitten you legend.
one of your few examples of blunt and to the point, but pretty 
ciaociao | oh, and another thing...
Written by no1butClo (337 comments posted) 13th April 2007 | lose that 'For me...'
you don't need it =P
xx |
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