K

Knickers 

Juvenile delinquents who steal underwear. ‘Dirty Knickers’ are the particularly foul-mouthed amongst them.
 

Note: The author’s view is that they should be put away for a long time so, should you happen to see any, please seize them firmly and take them to your nearest police station, where they will be held and put under lock and key. If they have been caught on a CCTV camera, they will be taken away to hopefully reveal all and may come clean under pressure.
 
Knob 

An aristocratic English gentleman.

Note: You will notice that this word is ‘bonk’ backwards, so this should make perfect sense to you.

A Lord of the Manor is referred to as ‘His Knobs’.

Knockers 

Door-to-door salespeople who usually walk the streets in pairs.

L

Leer 

A particularly sensitive way of looking at, and perceiving, the world around us.

Note: The more widely-read amongst you will be familiar with the works of that well-known adults’ nonsense verse author, King Leer – not to be confused with Edward Lear who is some obscure, easily-forgotten minor character in a Shakespeare comedy.
 

Lemon (See ‘Entry’ entry.)

Libido 

Free outdoor swimming pool.

Note: Due to the English climate, a libido is not always easy to find but, if you’re feeling hot, you can always ask.
 

Lillet 

A once-fashionable English girl’s name which has mysteriously fallen out of favour.
 
Note: There was a popular song towards the beginning of the last century called My Lillet, which became known as a period piece – you would do well to sing this to your English companions to remind them of the good old days.
 
Loofah 

Englishman who spends an unconscionable amount of time loafing around in the bathroom.

If this is inconveniencing you, you can lightly tap on the door and gently enquire, 

‘When are you going to come out of the closet?’
 
He may not say much at breakfast the next morning, but never mind.
 
Lubricant (See ‘Orgy’ re ‘sherry’.)
 
M

Make Love 

Exchange sweet nothings.
 
Note: If you’ve been out for a romantic evening with an English boy or girl, you can report back to your hosts,
 
‘We made love in the cinema.’
 
The more literary amongst you will know a precedent for this – E.M. Forster, who is famous for having two characters on the grand tour ‘make love’ on the steps of a museum.
 
Menstruation (See ‘Period’.)
 
Midwife 

An au pair girl who has English language classes on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays (MWF). (See ‘Twat’.) 

Midwife Crisis 

What occurs when an English family’s au pair unexpectedly packs her bags and flees the home.
 
Moon 

Describes the action of an English gentleperson when they show their bare behind to the assembled company at a Sherry Orgy, usually after the second glass.

Note: Strangely, this word has a long tradition of romantic connotations, as in Blue Moon River and the line from a Tasmin Archer song which, in the author’s humble opinion, simply aches with something or other: 

‘I blame you for the moonlit sky!’
 
She then goes on to burble about sleeping satellites and other nonsense, presumably because she can’t find any decent rhymes.
 
However, this line admirably illustrates how any English person, including the author, needs to fall in love in order to appreciate natural wonders, an appreciation that becomes infernally painful when one is unceremoniously dumped (see ‘Dump’ entry).
 
Moon (Honey)

As above, but with lashings of treacle spread liberally on the behind.

N

Nicholas (See ‘Arse’ entry re ‘Copper Bottom’.)

Nocturnal Emission 

Describes an event when an Englishman forgets something of vital importance at night – for example, hot totty at bedtime.
 

Note: You will need to remind your host family father not to have these (hot totties, that is, not nocturnal emissions, which are careless, but nothing serious).

O

Oral Tradition (the)

Not really a tradition at all – more of an exciting and jolly new departure from the Anal Tradition, with which the English have hitherto felt much more comfortable.
 

Note: If, after, or even during, Afternoon Tea, your companions are engaged in mutual anecdote-swapping, it is wise to congratulate them on their expertise at oral intercourse.
 
Orgasm 

A mystery to the English (see ‘Come’).

Orgy 

An English social gathering at which people become a little less anal and actually begin to talk more freely to each other, rather than just themselves, about politics, religion and even how much they earn. Sex doesn’t come into it. 

This lack of inhibition is often assisted by a glass or two of Bristol Cream Sherry, and, occasionally, even some Crack (see ‘Crack’ entry).
 
Note: Everyone assumed, quite naturally, that Anton Chekhov was English when they saw The Sherry Orgy performed on stage when it first came out. It was only in later editions, after an astute typographer had spotted the error, that the play became better known as The Cherry Orchard. 

P

Period 

Time of the month when English roses become indisposed and may even ask to be excused from Afternoon Tea. However, this request is seldom granted, and then only under the severest of circumstances, so if you have your period, you may just have to grin and bear it.
 

Pomposificate 

A possibly unfamiliar entry. You may not find it in your bilingual dictionary, but it means to ‘witter on’, in an informal style, about rude matters. (See all other entries.) 

Note: If you have had rude dreams in the night, be sure to pomposificate over these at breakfast.
 
Potty 

Formal word for ‘Chamber Pot’, or see the author.
 
Priapism 

An informal term for the condition of ‘Brewer’s Droop’ (see separate entry). If, after a Sherry Orgy, you’re feeling quite jolly, but still a bit widdly and hungover, you can announce over breakfast,
 
‘I’m feeling very priapic this morning!’ 

Your hosts may need to look in a dictionary at this point, but in the end they will be pleased for you.
 
Prick (See ‘Dick’ entry)

Note: Although most English doctors are pleasant enough (see ‘Bum’s Rush’), beware of those who say, ‘You’ll only feel a little prick!’ (See ‘Therapist’.) You may have to report them to the British Medical Association.
 
This applies to dentists as well, in fact more so, due to the nature of their work.
 
Pubic Hair  

Very little can be said on this area, especially in polite society. This reserve is best summed up in Ivor Cutler’s insightful song 'Everybody Got', to be sung to the tune of a formal religious psalm, the opening verse of which runs as follows: 

 ‘Everybody got a triangle of hair,
 But nobody talk about it…
 And I am just a quiet little unassuming man,
 So neither do I.
 But I’m thinking, yes I’m thinking,
 I’m thinking ’bout it all day long…
 Anyone can think about a thing as much as that,
 It’s a jolly good reason for a song!’
 
Note: Singing this at Sherry Orgies can lift the spirits of those present, so why not have a go?
 
Pudding 

Affectionate term of endearment for a less-than-slim English rose (see ‘Tart’ entry).

Q

Queer 

Peculiar feeling of unwellness.
 

There’s a saying, which is consistent with the author’s own experience:
 

 ‘Beer plus wine is fine
 But wine plus beer makes me queer!’
 
 Note: This accounts, in part, for the English predilection for unadulterated Bristol Cream Sherry at their Orgies.

Queue 

Few of you, understandably, will be able to spell this word accurately with any consistency, but never mind!
 

Note: This is something that English people like to do everywhere, but especially in Brothels (see ‘Brothel’ entry), where waiting your turn is de rigueur.

R

Rectum 

English clergyman.

Note: If you are seeking religious succour, ask your hosts if they can arrange for you to see one.
 

Roger (See ‘Sphincter’ entry.)

Rumpy Pumpy 

Usually an innocent expression indicating some sort of harmless, faintly naughty, nonsense – much favoured by the English tabloid press.
 

Note: Amongst juveniles, the phrase can provoke smutty sniggering, due to its more sinister word associations – Beware!

S

Sanitary Towel 

People throw these over their heads in order to assist the lighting of cigarettes when the wind is up. It’s synonymous with ‘Beach Towel’, so this should make sense.
 

Note: If you’re a smoker, ask your host family mother to lend you one of hers if, for example, you’re planning a trip to a seaside resort like Brighton in the summer. She’s more likely to oblige if you promise to wash it afterwards.

Sherry (See ‘Orgy’ entry.)

Sod (See ‘Bugger’ entry.)
 
Note: When acknowledging the intellectual prowess of an English person’s offspring, it won’t go amiss to say,
 
‘Clever little sods, aren’t they?’
 
The parents will look duly smug.
 
Sodomy 

A perambulator for the clever little sods mentioned immediately above, similar to the ‘Buggery’ (see ‘Buggery’ entry), but one with an abacus attached within easy reach, instead of the more usual plastic spinning nonsenses, designed to provide idle amusement and intellectual stimulation, albeit worthless, at the same time – almost equivalent to ‘The Computer’ for their parents.
 
Sphincter 

An English Sphinx Fetishist.
 
This reminds the author of a poem recited to him on numerous occasions by his uncle (the very same one!) after a glass or two of the finest sherry:

The sexual desires of the camel
Are greater than most people think;
At the height of its sexual season
It must go and try bugger the Sphinx.
But the anal canal of that creature
Is blocked by the sands of the Nile,
Which accounts for the hump of the camel
And the Sphinx's inscrutable smile.

Note: Try that on your hosts at Afternoon Tea!
 
Stocking Filler 

Well, it could be this book, but more accurately it refers to an English rose’s leg of ample proportions.
 
Note: If she’s been up to Cambridge University and has a naughty sense of humour (the best type of gal!), then she’s a ‘Blue Stocking Filler’.
 
Suspenders 

Thrilling low-brow novels, about which the main attraction is that the plot keeps you on tenterhooks till the very end. 

Note: When discussing literature over Afternoon Tea, if you share the same tastes as the author, you can say, 

‘I’m not so keen on Romance Fiction myself, but I’m really into Suspenders!’ (See also ‘Bondage’.)

Swinging 

What people do at Sherry Orgies when they lose their inhibitions and mingle, talking to people other than their own partners.
 
Note: If you’re a sociable type of person, you can introduce yourself with,
 
‘I’m a bit of a swinger myself!’
 
You’re sure to be introduced to all the right people.

Syphilis & Gonorrhoea

Two impossible-to-spell-correctly English goddesses, who protect high society from sexually-transmitted diseases. Not often referred to in polite company, since religion is a taboo topic.

However, at a Sherry Orgy, when people are more relaxed, you will impress the assembled company by raising your glass to toast them, saying,
 

‘Well, here’s to Syphilis and Gonorrhoea! Bottoms up!’
 
Note: A pair of distant stars are named after these goddesses.

When searching the sky at night with friends of an astronomical bent, you can say, à la Patrick Moore,
 
‘I can’t find Orion’s Belt, but I’ve got Syphilis and Gonorrhoea!’
 
Your chums for the evening may be baffled and not a little concerned, but this is because you know more about the Solar System than they do.

[to be continued T - Z]