A late one - it's only Wednesday, and I'm wine-sodden and knackered, which may account for why it's not a barrel of laughs!
Just a contemplative whimsy . . .
Comments welcome!
Cheers!
John X
Clamorous Dust
When I retire and finally go to bed,
the clamorous dust of images that played
the game of love, now lost within my head,
will rise up again and make me wish I'd stayed
a little longer in the morning sun,
where you found me and all was in the heart.
And now, towards my end, I've just begun
to understand and dress-rehearse my part
in life, that should have been heartfully spent.
Instead - just pretty nothings, poems, art
that came without desire to stay, and went
beyond the time when I could make a start,
to join the wind, the seagull and the dove,
who flew away without a thought for love.|
Written by Phil (7001 comments posted) 23rd July 2008 | The first three lines had an echo of Yeats. No bad thing.
Liked this (still a little unsure of your enjambments!) reflective pieces written as whimsy can clearly carry a little depth.
Phil | Cheers Phil!
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 23rd July 2008 | Many thanks for your comment - much to ponder . . . and so to bed!
Yo!
John X |
Written by Robru (272 comments posted) 24th July 2008 | | Reflective poems often come up trumps. I like this one. |
Written by NathanRoberts (277 comments posted) 24th July 2008 | Hi John,
I'm in critical mode, I'm afraid!
Please correct me if I'm wrong, but I get the impression (from some of your intros and the sheer amount of poetry you post) that you often write quite rapidly and post with little revision.
Reading this poem gives me that impression too. It's very vague and whispy, there's nothing much for the reader to get their teeth into, to startle them, wake them up, or lose themselves in.
To be totally honest, I suspect many will lose interest before they reach the end. I'm not saying it's half hearted, because it isn't - you can sense the feeling behind it, it's just, you can't visualise it because there's nothing to pull you in.
Some of the metaphors are a bit tired - 'dress rehearse' i.e. life as a play. 'the game of love'. New life can always be squeezed out of such familiar metaphors (especially in pop...I'm not a big fan but Amy Winehouse's 'Love is a losing game' springs to mind, for some reason - though the originality is the melody, the sound, the voice, not the lyrics).
I'm being overly harsh, you were tired, half drunk and seemingly dashed it off. I don't think many writers could produce a great deal in those circumstances,
(I know I couldn't), unless possibly, they had a startling idea, or an epiphany or something.
Finally, on the 'positive' side: 1. This is not an ugly poem. 2. If it took less than five to ten minutes to write, then in relative terms it's pretty good. 3. You can, and have, written much better.
I'm also wondering if the temptation to join in with GW and show a prescence is stopping you from taking your time a bit more, putting in a bit of - what Brett referred to as 'the sweat'? GW is addictive and it does provide an impetus to write, but (and I've found this myself) that impetus sometimes prompts us to post something that is really just a practice piece.
I wonder what others think? | All very True!
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 24th July 2008 | Cheers, Rob!
Very honest and well said . . .
A PM will be with you shortly . . .
Sorry to call you 'Shortly'! Waaaaah!
Cheers!
John X |
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