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Black Roses Black Leaves
By onezero
26 July 2008
This is a flash fiction written on the train to Leeds last week.
I'm interested to discover if readers find the story;
a) works as a flash fiction
b) doesn't leave too much out to make the story meaningful
c) has enough sense of character

All feedback much appreciated!

I'd never seen a black rose before.

For that reason I couldn't be sure. I had to keep moving. At sunlight I'd be able to look again. That thought would keep me going through the night. I had to keep going, the house was still too close. I'd found it by accident, as I ran from the house. God, I'd left Andy behind, I had to. He wasn't strong enough to flee. I'd waited and waited for him. In total, four times before I'd let the chance pass me by. Tonight I hadn't thought, I just went. Guilt riddled me, tightening my chest as I ran. Tears clogged my vision. As the woods got thicker and darker, I had tripped. Feeling sticks and stones hit into me like evil fingers in a schoolground yard. I turned over so many times that when I hit the ground hard, I had no idea which way I was facing. I coughed. I wretched. Winded. Then came darkness. I awoke. Shivering. The moonlight over me, like a spotlight on a stage. As my eyes adapted to the night again, I saw it. The black rose. So beautiful and tall above me. I touched it's green stalk gently and caressed my fingers up to its perfect dark flower. I picked it and held it to my nose, filling my nostrils with a most wonderful flora. So potent, so pure, an antidote to the aches in bones and my lifting me to my feet again.

 

Now I'm moving once more. Soon I should find something I recognise. I haven't found the path I fell from, but it must be close. It has to be near. The woods are so thick again, hiding the moonlight above. My breathing and rustling feet sound like sirens echoing my position. I'm sure I can hear other footsteps. I keep moving.

'Julie!'

I crouch, my arms opening out at my sides. Who was that? Who called my name? I move again, faster.

'Julie!'

I look behind me quickly. It's too dark to see, but I run. The branches and plants slash into me like taught whips.

'Julie!' I hear myself hyperventilate. Hope jet washed away by fear. I look behind again. My eyes diverted, I hit something hard with my left shin. Screaming as the pain shoots through my knee up to my chest, like a match dropped on a petrol trail. I land hard. My body and the ground smashing together. I cough, struggling for my breath and footsteps approach. I close my eyes. Waiting, surrendering wounded prey.

 

'Julie, are you okay?'

'Julie, it's Andy.'

I sensed him. A familiar scent and presence in ther air. I opened my eyes, reached out and found a strong arm.

'Andy? How?'

'In all the commotion you made left me a gap to go too. I'm fitter than I let people think. I should have told you. I'm sorry.' He stroked my brow. The touch of his fingers calming me, like a shot of expensive liqueur.

'It's good, it's good your hear. I wish I could see you better.' I reached out further and touched his face. Stubbly as always.

'Come on, I know where to go. Let's get you up.' He gently moved his hand behind my back, moved my arm around his neck and lifted. I called out with the pain throbbing in my lower back. He got me to my feet. I hopped as my ankle gave way slightly.

'Easy now, go slowly. The pain will ease.' He kept his arm around my back. We moved slowly forward. I took out the black rose and filled my nostrils with its flora again. My aches began to fade enough to walk.

'What's that?' He asked.

'I found it.' Handing it to him.

'A rose?'

'A black rose.'

'Really?'

'I think so, I need light to be sure.'

'Julie, look what I found.' He stopped us, taking his arm from around my shoulders and pushing his hand into his inside pocket. His pulled out a leaf and handed it to me. I rolled it around my fingers. It felt soft and cool.

'It's black too.' He whispered.

'Really?' He guided us a few metres to our left, where a gap in the trees allowed the moonlight to creep through. He placed his hands on my face.

'You're cut.' He said, lifting my face skywards. My cheek stung as he wiped the leaf against it. The pain in my jaw dulled.

'Look Andy!' I pointed at the tree above me.

'They're everywhere,' he smiled. The branches above covered half in lighter green leaves and darker, black leaves, just like the one in Andy's hand. A gentle breeze moved the branches left and right a little. Enough for a few green leaves to fall and leave the black ones in place.

'Andy, what's happening?'

'I don't know Julie, I just know we have to go that way. Come on, let's keep going.' He took my hand and we moved on again slowly. The woods thickened again, before the moonlight lit our path again. We stopped. Behind us, we could see the green forest in the distance with the black leaves and flora around us. Ahead, the forest thickened, into what seemed total blackness. No green to be seen anywhere.

'Where are we going Andy?'

'I'm not sure. We're out of the house forever. That's all I know for sure. Ahead feels right, doesn't it? Away from that place.'

I nodded. Smiled. Looked back once and then forwards. We were following the black leaves. I kept looking for beautiful black roses in the thickening dark forest. I noticed the grass darkening, the leaves thickening to a point where it seemed no light would ever peak through onto our path again. Finally, I could not tell if my eyes were open or shut. All I could feel was Andy's hand in mine. There was silence. There was darkness. A beautiful darkness that smelt of a perfect black rose.

Reviews

Written by stevetroster (1601 comments posted) 26th July 2008
Onezero, hello. 
You suggest that you are interested to discover what the reader makes of your story and that all feedback will be much appreciated, so I can only hope that you appreciate this. 
 
Does it:  
a) works as a flash fiction. 
In my opinion, no. 
b) doesn't leave too much out to make the story meaningful. 
It leaves virtually everything out that would make the story meaningful. There is no beginning or end, just a surreal middle fragment. 
c) has enough sense of character. 
It has no sense of character, and it wasn’t until the name Julie was mentioned that I realised that the opening ‘I’ was female. 
 
In order to make the story readable, you need to replace a huge amount of the full stops with commas. At the moment the sentences are stunted fragments; not all of which make sense. 
E.G.: “For that reason I couldn't be sure”. 
Couldn’t be sure of what? 
 
Punctuation is also an issue with some of your dialogue. 
E.G.: 'Julie, are you okay?' - 'Julie, it's Andy.' 
By placing separate speech marks around these passages of dialogue, you indicate that there are two people talking to Julie, when I assume that there is only Andy(?). 
 
You have (like) thrown in (like) a kitchen sink’s worth of flowery passages and metaphors. 
E.G.: like a match dropped on a petrol trail, like a shot of expensive liqueur, like evil fingers in a schoolground yard, like sirens echoing my position, like taught whips, like a spotlight on a stage - and - Hope jet washed away by fear. 
 
There are many awkward passages; here is just one example: “I had to keep going, the house was still too close. I'd found it by accident, as I ran from the house”. 
So you had found the house by accident as you ran from the house?  
 
There are a few typos, one of which is: “It's good your hear.” As opposed to: It’s good you’re here. 
 
You have a tense issue. You begin with ‘I’d’ (past tense), continue with ‘I crouch’ and ‘I hear’ (present tense) and then slip back into ‘I sensed’ and ‘I opened’ (past tense). 
 
In summarising, apart from their names, I have no idea who these people are, I don’t know why they are running from the house, why everything is turning black and, indeed, why ‘the blackness’ is significant.  
 
Lots to work on, I’m afraid. 
 
All the best, 
Steve.
Thanks Steve
Written by onezero (12 comments posted) 27th July 2008
Feedback much appreciated. 
A bit to work on as you say!

Written by stevetroster (1601 comments posted) 27th July 2008
Thank you for being so receptive. If there’s ever anything I can do to help, please don’t hesitate to ask. 
 
All the best, 
Steve.  

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