Another rushed one that simply feels okay, so here it is . . .
Comments really welcome, as I'm trying to write better stuff!
Cheers All! (and sorry again about yesterday!)
John X
If heaven . . .
If heaven holds an answer to my pain,
which racks my flesh and robs me of belief,
while offering solace, comfort from the stain,
that marks my soul with bittersweet relief,
will you be there to welcome me, my love,
or will you be in such a state of grace
that I become irrelevant above
and sacrifice my soul to empty space?
Remember when we sang of songs unsung,
our honeymoon, and friends who never left,
that fired regret in two hearts that were one?
But one heart here remains, of life bereft . . .
In dreams, your words assuage my aching head -
I do not want to go where angels tread.
|
challenge answered
Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 30th July 2008 | Stanza one may be summarized as suggesting :
constipation , evacuation , maculation
patterjack
| Que?
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 30th July 2008 | Are you all right pj?
I guess you're cross with me, but . . .
Concerned!
John | Cross?
Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 30th July 2008 | No .
And as far as I know I am all right .
To quote you and to try to win a pint :
I need to return to some god-given angst!
And if anyone can read 'arses' of any kind into, I'll buy you a virtual pint!
It is possible to read stanza one as having that undertone particularly as you do seem to spend a lot of time writing about arses etc and there is a carry over in connotations .
patterjack
|
Written by Robru (272 comments posted) 30th July 2008 |
I'll ignore the foregoing and concentrate on the poetry.
The last indicates you not lost altogether, there is hope. The poem itself is AOK, not earth shattering, but a good read anyway.
If the content is real I can only say, I've been there and it ain't nice. You will recover and get on with the business of living, maybe even enjoy it.
If it's not real, then its a damn good poem.
Cheers
Bob | PJ and Robru!
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 31st July 2008 | PJ - humble apologies! I couldn't work out what you were on about last night . . . Now it's clear as day. I see exactly what you mean and think your comment is very succinct and witty.
Please have that virtual pint on me, plus a bottle of red for good measure.
Bob - Thank you for your encouragement. No, it's not real, thank someone or other, so I am chuffed by your last line!
I am very sorry that you yourself have 'been there.'
Cheers Both!
John
| patterjack
Written by Brett (1002 comments posted) 31st July 2008 | does have a point, John (and don't take that any other way either). I must admit to giggling at his review.
As for the poem, not bad, but you have written better - 'songs unsung' I think you may have mentioned before?
'State of grace', 'sacrifice my soul' seem a little cliched to me - but, I have just read patterjack's sestinas, and who is going to match them? Perhaps I should leave reviewing for now.
Cheers | Cheers Brett!
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 31st July 2008 | Yes, pj's comment is excellent, as I've acknowledged - why I didn't appreciate it last night, dunno - I must have been befuddled, not unusual for me!
Yes, I've used 'songs unsung' several times, I think. Just foolishly fond of 'sing, sang, sung' combinations, I suppose.
Cliches? Yes, I need to make more effort in that area!
PJ's sestina's - yes, matchless! I am reeling in admiration and astonishment! Truly!
I'm intrigued by your suggestion that he may have 'subverted the form' a little - I still haven't got my head round all the intricacies of the form, but will persevere.
Cheers!
John
Cheers! |
Written by Fledermaus (3506 comments posted) 6th August 2008 | | Strong poem. I do think the cliches fitted in well, maybe especially because they are such. Yet I'm not too sure if I understood the last lines right: He doesn't want to see her back? | Hello Fled!
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 6th August 2008 | Apologies - I don't know your real name. 'Fled', Fleder' 'Maus', Fleder Maus'?!
Anyway, thank you for hitting the nail on the head, as they say.
Those last two lines:
'In dreams, your words assuage my aching head -
I do not want to go where angels tread.'
are ambiguous. They mean:
A. I don't want to die, full stop.
B. I'm happy to die, but I don't want to go to a heaven where I can't be with you because you're liaising with God in a state of grace (which denies corporeal existence, let alone pleasures).
So,what I am trying to say is that I would rather go to Hell and be with you again than go to Heaven and not be.
Does this make any sense?!
Do reply, by review or pm!
Cheers!
John X
|
Only registered users can rate and write comments.
Please login or register. Powered by AkoComment 2.0! |
Previous item
