“Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.”
--Oscar Wilde

It is unfortunate the human evolutionary path led to the shedding of your fur, and it certainly bolsters the argument against intelligent design. Had your gene pool been a little less rebellious, this constant worry you have about looking good would have been obviated. Nevertheless, you are now the laughingstock of the mammal community and must do something about your hideous, hairless appearance.

The first thing you clowns did was slaughter other animals, steal their fur, and start changing hemlines every few months. Eventually, however, most humans found it to be less risky to kill a cotton plant than hunt down a large animal with a bad attitude, so you began to spin and weave your finery. This was about the time the greed and vanity gene dove into your pool, and rather than create garments that were simple and practical, a guy named Lamont decided to stop hunting and gathering and stay in the cave to design evening wear. Thus began the quest for designer labels.

Sadly, female humans became the main victims of this male-dominated scam. Convinced by sadistic men that they looked hot wearing torturous devices that enhanced their boobs and butts, women led the rush into centuries of outrageous, uncomfortable apparel, all the while conning themselves into thinking they actually felt better about themselves wrapped in whale-bone corsets and or perched on stiletto heels.

Men, of course, were not immune to fashion bullshit. French fops and dilatants ushered in the first metrosexual movement in men’s fashion. Unfortunately, those French dandies did feel good about themselves when they dressed in doormen’s costumes and powdered wigs, and the movement spread. The French became the leading dictators of men and women’s fashion silliness and are still a major force today.

The bad news is fashion changes rapidly. For centuries there has been a little-known yet powerful, secret cabal called the Society de Fashionista, made up of 12 gay guys and one woman, who control the mega-billion-dollar fashion world. They are expert con artists who are able to convince you to spend $90 for a shirt with a polo player on the front or $200 for a bikini with only $3 worth of material in it. After you’ve purchased all the stuff on the “cool” list, these dictators will change course the following year and convince you all the “hip” duds you bought last year will cause you to become a social outcast if you wear them this year, and only they have the goods to make you hip again.

The good new is…well; there isn’t really any good news. If you buy into all the fashion crap, you are pretty much screwed.

This wouldn’t be much of a self-help guide if I didn’t offer some help, so I’ll do my best. The most obvious remedy to help you jump off the fashion merry-go-round is to devolve and re-grow your fur. Unfortunately, that might take eons. In lieu of fur re-growth, I suggest you forsake “coolness” and be yourself, which of course, is an asshole.

Chapter 21 Summary:
Fashion is a con game; men and women are not immune to it; grow fur; don’t be cool.