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Shorts
state of a mind
By MGoddard2005
03 January 2006

this is a story about how bullying can lead someone to lash out. you see in the news and on programs like GMTV how young people treat there fellow classmates. but what they don't show us is the lengths kids nowadays are willing to go to stop the pain.

enjoy and please give your reviews


 

 

He is again the target. A Victim. Another miserable life to be played with. The laughter of the other children dug into him like a blade into flesh. A blade just scraping bone. Words hurt like darts thrown into a dartboard. But he has no feelings, they told him this. A worm. A bull's eye. Lower then streetwalkers and tramps. A nobody. But all he does is sits there. Absorbing the pain. Absorbing like a sponge absorbs water. His eyes blood shot. Blood of his veins draining.

She always notices him. Alone. Rejected. A loner. But she never hated him. She felt sorry for him. Love. Pity. She was the in crowd. He was the out crowd. She was the bully's Girl. He was the bully's pet hate. A ball in the playground of life. But still her heart bleed, like his nose and his mouth, it bleeds. She wept for him. Tears rolling down her face like a mountain stream. She could never love her bully of a boyfriend. But still she stayed with him. Fear. Fear of being like the victim. Another name forgotten in the dust of society.

The bell rang for lessons. A time for peace at last. He was wrong. No more peace for him. They didn't care about books and arithmetic. All they wanted was suffering. His suffering. But still no tears. Was it the fact that he has no fear? No, he's just smart. He just sits there. Pencils fly across the room. Blood. Drops of blood. Were they intentional? The laughing meant it was. Laughs like hyenas in the grasslands hunting for their prey. The bell rings. Time to run. Home stretch. Get home before they catch him.

The next school day came too quick for him. But again he didn't care. Again he sits. Again he bleeds but this time, he stands. Stands and faces the bullies. A plan? A way out? He walks to the front of the class. Voices muffled in his ears. The teacher orders him to sit down. He chooses not to listen. A single gunshot rings out through the class. He holds the gun. In his blood covered hand. The teacher lying dead on the floor. No escape. He was guarding the only escape. Screams. Wails. But in a matter of seconds they were gone. Red. That's all he could see. They blood of his classmates. The bullies. He stands on the teacher's desk. Gun rose to his head. Fro a second he looked like the survivor of a horror movie. One last shot rang out trough the halls of the school. His body fell to the floor like a rag doll. Revenge was his. This was his way out.

Reviews

Written by spiderbaby49 (137 comments posted) 4th January 2006
Nicely done. Good short sentences to keep up the tension. Again though, you mix the tenses between past and present. It can make the peice stutter. 
 
TITLE - is it eye-catching, relevant to story? 
Yes, eye catching, if a little cliched. It is very relevent to the story. 
 
 
BEGINNING - Does it hook you, lead into the story, relevance 
Yes, Good short sentences. A good hook. 
 
VOICE/VIEWPOINT - Does it come across well, show personality, is it right for the story, well handled? 
Very strong voice. 
 
CHARACTERS & DIALOGUE - Do personalities show up; are they stereotypes; are they right for the story? 
No dialogue. It isn't needed. Only the 'internal' dialogue of the main character and the bully's girlfriend which is handled well. 
 
USE OF ENGLISH/STYLE - Does it read well? Imaginitive use of language/imagery/layout, does it show 'sparkle'? Are there spelling errors/typos/jarring grammatical errors? 
On the whole good but as I said, mixing tenses lessens the flow. I like the underlying theme of blood references. 
 
If you put "She weeps" instead of wept.........and "the next schoolday comes" instead of came........."matter of seconds they were gone."are gone......."That's all he could see"...can see........... 
I think "gun at his head" night have more impact. 
 
"She always notices him. Alone. Rejected. A loner. But she never hated him. She felt sorry for him. Love. Pity. " 
 
I think you get a bit too carried away with short sentences here! 
 
She always notices him. Alone, rejected, a loner, but she never hated him. She feels sorrow for him; love, pity. 
 
The bell rings for lessons..........the bell rings again.  
 
The next day comes too quick 
 
He holds the gun in his blood covered hands. 
 
He is guarding  
 
But in a matter of seconds, they are gone. Red, that's all he can see 
 
Gun at his head. 
 
 
For a second he looks like the survivor of a horror movie. One last shot rings out trough the halls of the school. His body falls to the floor like a rag doll. Revenge is his.  
 
This was his way out. 
 
Not sure if you need the last line. 
 
 
DRAMA - Is there good use of action, enough tension/conflict? 
Very good use of drama and conflict. 
 
EMOTION - Are we swayed by the narrator and identify our emotions with the narrator? 
Definately swayed by the emotion, or rather, lack of it. 
 
STORYLINE/PLOT - Is it evident? Is there a beginning,middle,end? Interesting/ original? 
Well rounded. A good take on a sadly familiar story. 
 
THEME - What's the underlying meaning of the story? Was it evident? Understandable? 
You handled this very well. Not over the top with the shooting. It was not altogether expected either. You kept me guessing right until he pulls out the gun. 
 
ENDING - Are loose ends tied up? Are you let down? Was it expected/original? 
 
See above. Yes, well tied up. 
 
You show good understanding of the psychology involved in this situation and write it well with sensitivity. 
 
 
spidey
state of mind
Written by paulgpaul (37 comments posted) 25th March 2006
I must disagree withspiderbaby49. The constant battering of short sentences, phrases, single words becomes quickly tiring. Although it conveys the impression that your character is mentally unhinged, it would help the rhythm of the piece if you employed some concatenation to make it more comfortable to read (and, in the process, not unhinge your readers).

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