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Extended Work
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| Drifting - chapter eleven | |
| By Jamie | ||
| 01 August 2008 | ||
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This is the eleventh chapter in a long form story. My plan is publish all the chapters on here as I go along. I will present them as I choose, a few days interspersing the entries. All feedback, negative or positive gratefully received. I am proud of certain aspects, and ruefully aware of other areas of shortcomings and inadequacy. Rather like myself in fact. So constructive criticism or showers of stars - both interestedly received. Blunt, bored, disinterested views will be received likewise. As most of us are, who seemingly ' can't ' write with brevity, I am equally indisposed to attempt a synopsis. But... Girl has self, girl meets boy, girl loses self, girl loses boy, girl tries to find self. Girl finds a different kind of self. This would be fair, but woefully inadequate. More it is an outpouring of thoughts and words, many words along a collection of themes that had been going round and around in my head for a long time. And ultimately a traumatic time in my own life brought these feelings and thoughts rudely, and unbiddenly to the surface. So I wrote them down - a catharsis of sorts, and an interested exploration of the routine, process and 'expected' or 'required' structure of writing in long-form. Thanks for reading and your interest. I repay your time spent with gratitude and humilty.
chapter eleven
Dear Tom Well I'm sitting here writing a letter that I never wanted to write. The letter you maybe always expected to see or receive. These are words that I never thought I could think or say. Words that hurt me intensely to write. Words that I wring out of me completely reluctantly. And they’re words that won’t make any impression on you, I'm sure. You seem to have moved on so far from me, but not that I could see – I don’t suppose you would ever have been able to tell me often enough that you were through with me, and that you didn’t want to see me again. But the last was one argument too many, one scene too many... And to see someone else sat by your side… Never deeper have I fallen. Never lower have I felt. Never more hating have I been of myself and of others. And for that, while it is MY emotions and feelings - and the choice ALL mine, I DO lay some blame on you. You have pulled out in me a base trait I never knew I had. I resent you for that. So I'm gone – going away and getting out of it. I don’t want to be in your way, don’t want to try to exist in a difficult place. And I so really need some respite – for me. I've had it, there’s been enough misery, crying and soul searching; there’s been far too many torrid conversations and questions. But one last one, answer me this please – How could you move on so quickly, completely and so soon? Thanks for giving me what you gave me. For just a short time I could smile so widely. I laughed so lightly and I was so sure - if only for a short time. I could fly sometimes back there. And I did. I hope you’ll remember me for being more than just another stupid little girl with the loud voice, who hung around for too long. In spite of me and my best common sense I know I'll always remember you, and sometimes I'll think of you, but in a sense... I don’t need to. I need to for me, but not for you. You don't need anyone to think of you and to smile as they do. That is the impression you give. And I'm perhaps wrong. But oh... while serene and aloof, it must also be so cold at those Olympian heights. I'm sure – you will have a good life… Somehow, this I know… Thank you for what we had, and I hope you are thinking like me, that maybe the two of us meeting again sometime, somewhere, whenever, is not such a bad idea. With the utter, devotional and complete love you know I'll always have for you. xxx Lyndsey
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