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Extended Work
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| Drifting - chapter twelve | |
| By Jamie | ||
| 01 August 2008 | ||
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This is the twelfth chapter in a long form story. My plan is publish all the chapters on here as I go along. I will present them as I choose, a few days interspersing the entries. All feedback, negative or positive gratefully received. I am proud of certain aspects, and ruefully aware of other areas of shortcomings and inadequacy. Rather like myself in fact. So constructive criticism or showers of stars - both interestedly received. Blunt, bored, disinterested views will be received likewise. As most of us are, who seemingly ' can't ' write with brevity, I am equally indisposed to attempt a synopsis. But... Girl has self, girl meets boy, girl loses self, girl loses boy, girl tries to find self. Girl finds a different kind of self. This would be fair, but woefully inadequate. More it is an outpouring of thoughts and words, many words along a collection of themes that had been going round and around in my head for a long time. And ultimately a traumatic time in my own life brought these feelings and thoughts rudely, and unbiddenly to the surface. So I wrote them down - a catharsis of sorts, and an interested exploration of the routine, process and 'expected' or 'required' structure of writing in long-form. Thanks for reading and your interest. I repay your time spent with gratitude and humilty.
chapter twelve
Dear Jon Well I'm doing what I said I would do – what you said I should do. I don’t know how far I can go alone presently in helping myself. I was there at one with my own world before, but I rather turned away from myself and… well you know the rest. No I completely turned away from myself. I so lost myself. So today has got to be - is going to be - that day that I'm going to begin trying to sort my head out and re-focus on myself. I know where I should be headed to today – the place where you told me to go. I don’t really want to, and yeah – I'm scared; but you advised me. You offered so many words to me that, although it mightn't have seemed so at the time, I heard, listened to and ruminated on. You were right about so many things – you were always right, not that I could always listen. I would so often argue the point with you or turn away, but I guess that was only because I knew or could partially see that you were right - but wouldn't admit that. Pride and defiance. You and others were right, but I wouldn’t, or couldn’t, sometimes, hear. And now... I would be in a much better shape if I HAD listened to people like you. If only I had been more perceptive earlier, and perhaps when I first arrived in Glasgow if I’d had my eyes open wider to see all those around me other than just him, then maybe, just maybe… Don’t want to start writing emotional stuff here. That is why I'm here, really, I know – I'm far to eager to express and explore that which others can either ignore or feel no need to stir. But like it or not, this IS who I am and these are the conversations that have moved me, and many of them have been with you too… So I will I know, write to you again. I know, or I hope that you will write back too. I want to think about the things you tell me. I hope you will, and do have thoughts and feelings to give to me. I hope you will be happy and will try to smile too. Maybe when you do, you will think of me too.
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