READING ROOM
Great Writing - Home
Read and review others' work
Articles on writing
Advice from the community
COMMUNITY
Talk to others in the forums
Events and Competitions
GW News
ABOUT GREAT WRITING
All About Us
Contact Us
WORK AWAITING REVIEW
GW IS...
Great Writing creative writing community is designed to prompt ideas and provide inspiration and motivation within aspiring and amateur authors. Whatever your topic; from love poetry to Doctor Who or Harry Potter fan fiction, Great Writing's online writing group is where you can make new friends and improve your creative writing.
WHO'S ONLINE
We have 982 guests online and 7 members online
Shorts
the assassin
By MGoddard2005
03 January 2006

this is the short story i wrote a few years back in high school for my english gcse..got a B for it. let me know what u think so i can improve on it ...

happy reading


 

He stood at a distance away from the tearful. A funeral. Death. Unhappiness. He loved this environment; it was addictive like a drug. The tearful cries were like the wailing of cats singing on an alleyway wall. He watched, glancing at what he had accomplished. Mist covered his rugged face, his evil grin shone through the mist showing his yellow fractured teeth. A smoker? It seemed that when the mist got thicker his teeth, his grin became more visible. Mist thicker. Teeth yellowier.

The mist filled the cemetery like a sea of unforgiving pain and misery, no light escaped it's eerie surface. The trees were crooked and bizarre as they took on the form of bloodthirsty demons. Ravens perched atop the decomposing gravestones their beady eyes gazing into the blank distance, squawking in foreign tongues. Spiders spun webs of red over the graves of the deceased. The spiders looked around, looking for its nightly prey. They stalk them like an assassin.

A light broke through the mist. A cars headlight. The car was covered with thick black mud as it parked in an unorthodox way. The driver got out and sniffed the air of the dead. The smell in the air reminded her of a morgue. Her red dress shone like the headlights of the car. Red like blood. Red like passion. She looked down at the grave of the man's latest victim. A slight tear rolled down her cheek like a bolder rolling down a jagged mountain. She fell to her knees as she cried out loud. Was it a cry of sorrow? A cry of pain? Or was it a cry of joy?

He gets to his feet. His clothes covered with black unforgiving mud. He moves towards her, not moving an eyelid as he sneaks towards another so called victim. She turns to see the yellow-toothed man. Her crystal green eyes sparkled with tears. She looked at him like he was a hero in a storybook as she innocently flung her self towards his evil psychotic clutches. Was he her boyfriend? She held him tightly so tight they seemed to be connected together like a pair of Siamese twins. The yellow-toothed man slid a hand into his pocket. His cold gloveless hand pulled out, slowly, a blood-covered knife. Again he puts his arm around the young girls back as he drives the knife into the back of her head like he was carving into a Christmas turkey. The blood oozed onto his cold gloveless hands. Her breath was still warm as she dropped to the mud filled ground, his gaze never changing

.

He picked up the limp body of the young woman and headed over to an open grave. He flung the body in to the grave; the woman's crumpled corpse lay in a pool of her own blood. The man through dirty over the body, as he did so his mind raced, but his facial features remained as still as the night. As soon as he had buried her he wiped the blood from the knife and slid it back into his pocket. He walked back through the mist his teeth still yellow his face never changing.

Reviews

Written by spiderbaby49 (137 comments posted) 4th January 2006
Hi MGoddard. This is certainly a chilling piece. There are a few points where you could do with tightening up on the language. Mixed use of tenses for one. I won't do an indepth crit using the grid unless you would like me to. 
 
I think you have a very promising, evil character there. It would be interesting to see the piece develop and find out just what his motivation is.. Assassin suggests someone hred to do a job whereas your character, in this short piece. anyway, come across more as a sociopathic killer. 
 
It has the edgy feel of the start of a good spine chiller. 
 
 
spidey
well...
Written by austheke (35 comments posted) 26th April 2007
tenses, for sure. and some of the similes seem a little forced. but it could be good, with a little work.

   Only registered users can rate and write comments.
   Please login or register.

Powered by AkoComment 2.0!

 Previous item   Next item