Then and Now
Many hopes conceived to last
have faded dimly into the past
I speak only for myself, my dear
I speak only for myself.
- It's true that time has brought its cost
and much that was valued we have lost
- I speak for both of us, my dear ,
I speak for both of us.
Where then are the glories we would vaunt?
All subject now to gibe and taunt
I ask only for myself, my dear
I ask only for myself.
Can we say that it has mattered
that time has left us sorely battered?
I ask for both of us, my dear
I ask for both of us.
Why do they seek with lips that purse
to spit on our shadows as they curse?
I speak of all of them my dear
I ask of all of them.
They are now strong and we are weak.
Is there no shelter we can seek?
I speak of all of them, my dear
I ask of all of them.
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Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3362 comments posted) 2nd August 2008 |
I don't know what form this is in but it is very effective with the repeated but slightly altered couplet. It somehow makes it almost unbearably personal and heart rending. The slow building of sentiments from fading hope to complete vulnerability was somehow awful to read. I think there is a stage in life when we feel the world turns against us. This can manifest itself in different ways.Perhaps you didn't mean that but it has got me thinking that way and the lines are ambiguous enough to allow for personal interpretation. One of the qualities in good poetry, I think. I certainly feel that nature takes against women when they reach middle age,[I put my trust in science now,God and nature can go hang] but we all have our own personal story to tell and this brilliantly executed template will fit many of them Just a reaction, not a crit jane |
Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 2nd August 2008 |
Again - I'm minded of a chorus here. Even though written in the first person - it lends itself to that feel. Not a crit - I think it works very well. A poem of two halves for me. The first four being very personal, inward looking and reflective; the last two a change that refers to them - also a slight pattern change in the 'chorus.' I wondered who, exactly, they are. You don't seem the type to rail against the youth of today - but that's what I immediately thought of. Yet there doesn't seem to be a bitterness in the end, just a sad defeat, if anything. Much enjoyed the sound of this and how it started - I fear I may well be off track with the closing parts. Phil |
I give up... Written by patterjack (1194 comments posted) 3rd August 2008 |
... on trying to going by forms -- unless perhaps I go back to the sonnet. I don't think this has any special name ; it is more of a recall of the style of a few poems I read years ago. Let's call it a mood piece - and I hope its mood did not upset you too much, Jane. Thanks very much for the comments . patterjack
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It sings... Written by ainsel (48 comments posted) 3rd August 2008 |
..which, of course, must have been your intention. Beautifully constructed - I like it, even though it is a bit melancholy. ainsel |
Not too dirge like ... Written by patterjack (1194 comments posted) 3rd August 2008 |
...I hope ! Coming from a chorister those words ring in the ear. Think of it as a threnody , but not connected to any one thing or person in particular . lacrimae rerum once more Thanks very much for the comment. patterjack |
Choric , Phil? Written by patterjack (1194 comments posted) 3rd August 2008 |
yes , -- and though it is mainly in the first person , it did finish as making a general application with a touch of feeling for the displaced of the world . There are so many . patterjack
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Melancholic? Written by Katanga (1229 comments posted) 3rd August 2008 |
Yes! Brilliant? Yes! I REALLY like this, Brian - I am still slowly recovering from your quatrain of sestinas, and now this! But please don't reject the humble sonnet! I'm sure a beaauty is on its way from your very good self! Cheers! John |
What's ... Written by patterjack (1194 comments posted) 3rd August 2008 |
... humble about a sonnet ???? -- look at V's latest ! At the moment I am simply doing my best to ban some couplets from my thinking , so any more sonnets may have to wait ! Phil has , I think , stirred a possible possum for me though ! patterjack |
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