After work, I go to the snooker club to join Simon Evans, Tony and Jason. I decided that I will work out tomorrow, which I do sometimes at home and sometimes at the office gym, depending on what I’m doing and where I’m going. While the others are playing snooker, Simon Evans reads the latest copy of FHM and Tony gets agitated by the absence of tobacco. Jason and Simon Holmes divide their attention between the snooker and the rants of Simon Evans and Tony. Simon Evans is going on about how annoying Lisa is and Tony is moaning about the smoking ban. I take some interest in the smoking ban, and a great deal of interest in the subject of Lisa.

‘Why’s she so annoying?’
‘Isn’t that obvious? She’s a cow. Always complaining.’
‘I don’t think so.’
‘You would say that. Just because you fancy her.’
‘I genuinely don’t think she’s a moaner. Anyway, how do you know that?’
‘Word gets around.’
‘Aha! Well I don’t think she’s a moaner, so there.’
‘Oh!’ Evans threw his hands up. ‘No-one agrees with me, do they?’
‘I disagree with you about this particular issue. That doesn’t mean that I disagree with you about everything.’
‘I meant about Lisa. Just never mind. Never, never, mind!’
‘No, never mind indeed. Just forget it.’

‘Whole point of a pub is to let go, innit! Why do they have to be so draconian?’
‘You can still smoke outside.’ I point out.
‘Bit of an effort though. Interfering with my civil liberties.’
‘Non-smokers have to breathe in other people’s smoke. That interferes with civil liberties.’
‘Well, people like that shouldn’t go to pubs.’
‘Where else can they go?’
‘They can stay in watch the telly, can’t they.’ Says Evans.
‘They might not want to.’
‘Well, actually, I’m thinking of giving up,’ says Evans, ‘got to get pissed though.’
‘You what? Are you mental?’
‘No, seriously. I am a bit addicted, and it’ll be the best thing.’
‘You pathetic wuss. You fucking saddo.’
‘It’ll save money, and as Holmes pointed out to me, it’ll be healthier.’
‘Well, it’s your problem.’ Jason spits out.
‘What the problem is,’ says Evans ‘is that the world is so shallow at the moment. Everyone is so obsessed with how they look. When we define someone, do we define them by character or appearance? It’s obvious, isn’t it? It’s all around us. I fucking hate it.’
‘It’s always been like that.’ says Tony. ‘A bird’s got a good personality. So what? If she weren’t a hot little bit of arse, you wouldn’t notice her personality in the first place.’
‘Shut up, Tony, you arsehole. You take such a horrible attitude to people.’
‘I’m just telling the truth.’
‘No, no. He’s got a point.’ Says Jason. ‘People are very downtrodden. They’re taught that they have to reach up to an ideal, that they have to be something to show off to others. I blame the media. We need to place more emphasis on what a person is actually like to be with, not a person’s public image and artificial social status.’
‘What do you think, Holmes?’
‘I think that there’s no point in talking about it.’
‘Why on earth not?? It’s an important issue, mate.’
‘He’s got the good sense to know the truth,’ says Tony. ‘a successful life is about the best house, the flashiest car, and the hottest mother of all bitches you’ve ever seen.’
‘Erm.. no, not exactly, Tony. I just don't think there’s any point in talking about all that. It doesn’t get us anywhere.’
‘We’ll never get anywhere if we don’t discuss the important issues in life. Just leave it be, is that how is it Holmes? Let the oppression continue. Don’t give a shit. You’re so docile.’
‘Leave him alone.’ Says Jason.
‘I won’t leave alone people who don’t give a shit about the world around them. If you don’t start getting interested in all this, Holmes, soon we’ll have a world where there’s no room for character at all. It’ll be a world where the most physically attractive person wins. And it won’t even be according to individual opinions, it’ll be the opinion of the fucking media, which sends us these exploitative, disgusting messages about how we should behave and think. Do you want that?’
‘No, but what’s the point of coming up with a manifesto? It’s all just preaching. Use your actions, not your words.’
‘And if you disagree with us, Holmes’ Jason chips in ‘our action will be to punch you repeatedly, possibly until you die. Because people who do not care do not deserve to live.’
‘Anyway,’ says Evans. ‘let’s get on with the snooker.'

I win the first two games of snooker, and Tony wins the next two. Seemingly before long, it is 6.30pm and the snooker club closes for the evening. We leave as a group.

‘That girl was well butters’ says Tony.
‘Who do you mean?’ asks Jason.
‘This girl he got off with the other night.’ says Evans, rolling his eyes. ‘Bit out of your league, mate.’
‘Oh shut up, Evans.’ Tony carries on: ‘Yeah, when the beer goggles wear off, you realise don’t you? Hardly worth it. I think I’m going to be celibate from now on.’
‘Just as well.’ remarks Evans.
‘Well, the best meat tends to exist in brothels.’ Says Jason. ‘You should try there, mate.’
‘Bit expensive’ moans Tony.
‘Especially for you.’ teases Evans.
You can tell that Tony is getting quite angry with Evans, but he tries not to seem so.
‘You’re not talking about that girl in the pub, are you?’ I chip in. ‘I quite liked her.’
They all laugh. ‘Typical Evans, no standards. You’ll fuck anything, won’t you?’
‘Anyone.’ I correct. ‘And I do have standards.’
Jason changes the subject: ‘Don’t you hate people who come to a place not wearing the right clothes?’
‘Yeah!’ Evans says angrily, ‘I just can’t stand people like that. Fucking pisses me off, the way that they go against the rules, and then you have to put up with them. Cheeky mofos. Should be shot!’ He imitates a gun by putting his middle finger and index finger together, then lifting them up and making a ‘Boom!’ noise to imitate gunfire.
‘What are the right clothes?’ I ask.
‘You know, stuff which conforms to fashion.’ replies Evans.
‘Well, I can understand the importance of your choice of clothes in various settings, but that does seem quite intolerant. What if someone just doesn’t realise? Or doesn’t like fashion?’
‘Oh, shut up. You’re so soft on people.’
‘I’m not being soft.’ I protest. ‘I just like to understand people. Toughness has nothing to do with it.’
‘Yeah, yeah. Stop being such a boring twat. You’ve got to enforce standards. We should kill them all, people like that. People who don’t conform, fucking waste of space. Who do they think they are?’
I sigh and let them carry on with their conversation.
‘Best comedy of all time?’ asks Jason.
‘Little Britain.’ replies Tony.
‘Never really got into it. Quite liked The Office.’
‘What? With Gervais? That shit? You’re better off with Jimmy Carr.
‘You both do not know what you’re talking about. Everyone knows American comedy rules.’ Says Evans.
‘Fuck off!’ both Jason and Tony chant, in unison.
‘Just because you know I’m right.’
‘Fuck that shit.’ Says Jason, walking closer to Tony now, to signify his disapproval of Evans’s views. ‘Yeah, Jimmy Carr. Give him a watch.’ Tony says to Jason.
‘Alright. I’ll give it a go.’
A couple passes on our left. Evans gives them a ‘V’ sign. Jason shouts out ‘Mingers! You suck!’ and Tony glares at them. The couple look astonished but carry on, trying to ignore the constant abuse that they’re bombarded with from then on. I watch the whole thing, feeling sorrow.
‘Come on, Simon, aren’t you going to join in?’ Jason asks me.
‘No. Do I need to?’
‘Of course! They’re ugly twats. They deserve all the abuse they get!’
‘Oh, for fuck’s sake!’ I roll my eyes.
‘You a munter then? You’ve got to prove that you’re not. That’s what it’s all about.’
‘That is beside the point.’ I say to him, showing my irritation.
He gives up listening, as Tony has caught his attention. By now the couple has gone but Tony is giving him and Evans a high five for their efforts to contribute to the group. ‘That was awesome!’ Evans yells. ‘We’ve got to do this more often!’ exclaims Tony.
‘Have you been up to www.mingers.com ? We should have got a picture of them!’ shouts Jason.
‘Oh fuck!’ says Tony. ‘Shit! Still, I did get a picture of that girl. Naked though. Will they allow it?’
‘They will if her body’s shit enough.’ Replies Evans. ‘I think she was quite gaunt, as I remember. She wasn’t exactly Victoria Beckham though.’
‘Yeah, but I mean nudity? Well actually I got her face too. Fuck it, let’s go for it.’
‘Do you know how utterly juvenile you’re being?’ I wonder out loud.
‘Oh come on, Holmes. It’s only a bit of fun.’ Says Jason.
‘Hmm… I think that couple were quite upset actually.’
‘Well it doesn’t matter what they think!’ says Tony.
‘Serves them right for leaving the house!’ laughs Jason.
They all guffaw at this point. Once they have finished laughing, Evans asks ‘What were we just talking about?’
‘Holmes said something.’
‘Never mind about that. He would, wouldn’t he?’
‘No, never mind indeed.’ I mutter, slightly despairingly.
The group part at the end of Maple Road. I make my way back home, wondering what to do. While walking down Fort Goldfax street, I witness a youth on a bike point and laugh at someone. I look back, but cannot make out who he’s referring to.
On my journey, I keep close to the Cypress trees, willing myself away from here. I’m slowly, but surely, beginning to get fed up with the world around me.
On arriving home, I notice that I have a few letters. One is a credit card statement, the next is from Goldfish with the offer of a new credit card. I decide not to read this letter as I have no plans to get another credit card. I decide to pay off my existing card as soon as possible.
Once I have logged on to do that, I check my e-mails. Evans has sent another chain letter, which I can’t be bothered to read, as I get bored with them. Stuff from Flixster. That music zine I subscribed to. A businessperson in Hong Kong wishing to meet me. A hacker who spends more time on the Internet than anywhere else, more like! Offers from HMV.
Once I have finished reading my e-mails, I decide to watch TV.
A group of women are doing some kind of aerobic workout. They are introduced to their instructor.
‘He’s no good.’ a black-haired woman complains. ‘To be honest, he puts me off it.’
‘I am qualified in teaching aerobics, kung fu, judo and boxing,’ the man replies, ‘which I do for the love of it, not just for the pay cheque at the end of it….’
‘Shut up!’ a redhead exclaims ‘You’re an embarrassment. We don’t need you.’
‘Well it’s your choice. I know a lot and you can benefit from that knowledge. I also know how to instil the discipline which can be somewhat lacking…’
‘Imagine you doing S & M!’ the black-haired woman screeches.
‘This has nothing to do with S & M. What I was going to say was that sometimes people lack the discipline necessary to maintain a fitness programme and I have shown time and time again that I am good at showing people how…’
‘Oh shut up!’ a blonde woman pipes up. ‘We’re not interested in boring stuff like that. We want someone with pzzazz.’
‘Fine fine. It’s your call. It just seems to me that you’re not serious about all this. However, at the end of the day, I can’t help you.’
He walks out. They applaud and make jokes about him when he’s gone.
‘What?!’ I ask, and exclaim to myself.
I turn over to the next channel.
A young blonde, very thin, dressed in a white blouse and jeans, is with a gentlemen, possibly forties, dark suit, red tie.
‘Hey, sexy, want to kiss me?’ she asks him.
‘Well, sure, I don’t see why not.’ He replies. He moves his mouth towards hers and she moves her mouth towards his. They are just about to kiss when a trail of spit emerges from the woman’s mouth. It hits the gentlemen on the lips. A caption appears: ‘He fell for it!’.
‘Do you seriously think I’d want to kiss you?’ the woman says. ‘Go away. You’re a disgrace!’
‘You bitch. You fucking bitch.’
Another caption appears: ‘Exposed: sexist pig.’
‘This is entertainment?’ I ask myself and the rest of the world, but neither party replies.
It would pain me to watch the rest of this, but at the same time I’m morbidly intrigued by it. The guy is being taunted by the crowd, who are throwing screwed-up bits of paper at him and calling him a sexist. He is obviously not enjoying his time on the show.
‘I didn’t expect this.’ He complains.
‘You get what you deserve, misogynist.’ The blonde spits out. ‘We knew you were when the show started.’
‘That is so unfair.’ The gentleman complains.
‘Life’s not fair. Anyway, it’s time to go away now.’ She shows him the door.
There is applause as he leaves.
I turn the TV off and fly into an uncontrollable rage. I box against an imaginary opponent, one that tries to keep me down, against my will, and I must fight to free myself from oppression. Once I’m finished, my rage continues.
‘What can I do?’ I ask. ‘What can I do? What can you do? What can we all do?’