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The Last Supper
By Katanga
02 August 2008

Written after a bottle of red wine - intended to be read similarly!

I've revised this countless times, unlike my usual rash postings . . .

Is it any better?

e.g. 'night, tried, write', line one.


'might fire desire'.


Too much assonance? Does it sound forced?

Please point out other clumsinesses.


Comments and opinions really valued!


BTW, it's not true - I'm a very happy man as I write . . .


Cheers!


John  X



The Last Supper

Last night I tried to write a poem for you.
At first a fire set light to pen and ink
and rhyme and rhythm came as if I knew
the true worth of your heart, what I would think

sums up your being more than words can say,
distils your soul, compressed into a ball.
But sorrow overwhelmed the break of day,
crushed my poem against our bedroom wall.

I tried to dry your fear with songs of love,
and what I thought might fire desire for me,
invoking heaven’s burning stars above,
to keep your reason cool, your spirit free.
 
            The boulders rolling from your eyes roll on.
            They go in search of where our love has gone.

Reviews

Written by Brett (1001 comments posted) 2nd August 2008
The assonance does not seem forced to me, I think it flows very well. I like 'invoking heaven's burning stars above'.

Written by ainsel (68 comments posted) 3rd August 2008
I'm in agreement with Brett - the sounds are good. I was a little thrown the first time I read it aloud, because I thought the first line had an extra syllable - but that was because I said "poem" as two; treating it as one syllable flows nicely. 
 
I particularly like the simplicity of the language in the first verse; I found it very moving. 
 
Red wine seems to produce good results for you. 
 
ainsel

Written by Phil (7001 comments posted) 3rd August 2008
Liked this, John.  
Recurring theme for me - and I ask out of interest, rather than criticism. 
 
Re: enjambments.  
I wonder why you've set this out in three distinct verses. The rhythms, but especially the line space between the first and second, encouraged me to stop after line four - so making line five a new sentence. It clearly doesn't work that way. 
 
Didn't detract from the piece - I simply reread. 
 
Phil

Written by punchy (535 comments posted) 4th August 2008
O my God, that is a very beautiful poem. 
The last line of the second verse (or stanza as you proper poets call it) gave me goose pimples.  
I can't give opinion on how a poem is written with my poor understanding of literature but I know when something is good because it not only makes you think but it makes you feel.  
Thanks All!
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 4th August 2008
Thank you Brett, ainsel, Phil and Punchy. 
 
Brett - thanks for the 'assonance and flow' comments. Reassuring! 
 
ainsel - I see what you mean about 'poem'. I don't actually like it pronounced as one syllable, as in 'pome'. On the other hand, as a full two separate syllables it interferes with the meter. I think I mean to swallow it slightly into one-and-a-half syllables, if you get my drift - allowable? Dunno! 
 
Phil - yes, I'm not sure what the conventions, if any, are for spacing a 'modern' sonnet, and agree it makes the enjambment read oddly. On the other hand, as a single block of text it looks rather dense.  
 
Other views on this welcome! 
 
Punchy - what a heart-warming comment from the newly-dubbed 'Goddess of Smut'. Honoured! 
 
Cheers! 
 
John

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