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| The Snail Psychiatrist | |
| By Emmuttmax | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 03 August 2008 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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This is the first part of a longer short story.
The Snail Psychiatrist
Jessica Cranberry loved post-modern science. She loved every aspect of it, from cognitive geology to plant psychology, from nuclear fishing to lycanthrope physics. Jessica’s passion for the new science was set ablaze four years after Steinjoy’s discovery of the “plasmic weave” in 2017. Steinjoy believed the Super-paradigm theory in physics was wrong; time and space did influence consciousness to create reality. Conversely, he also did not believe consciousness was the reality that created time and space. The answer, posited Steinjoy, lay in sub-chromatic radio waves woven though DNA strands. By stimulating those waves by means of electrified nanoparticles of squid semen, he was sure subatomic communication would be possible with all matter. He was right. On July 23, 2017 in his laboratory, Steinjoy shot a low dose of ESS (electrified squid semen) trough his body, and 29 minutes later, his lab assistant recorded Steinjoy communicating with white Canadian mouse. The plasmic weave that connect mouse to man allowed thought transfers and information swaps that led to a cure for cancer and a cognitive behavior regimen for felines. With the matter-communication barrier broken, a new dawn of science arose. Jessica Cranberry was not a scientist in the academic sense of the word, but after Steinjoy’s discovery, it was possible for the average citizen with access to squid sperm and electricity to “log on” to the matter network and explore the infinite possibilities of learning. She resigned her position as a cosmetics salesperson at Stubblefield’s Emporium and enrolled at St. Swithen’s College, majoring in gastropod psychiatry. Thanks to the new, accelerated learning curve, within two years Jessica graduated with a PhD in animal and insect psychiatry. She also had an undergraduate degree in photovoltaic skullduggery. After graduation, backed by a small endowment from the SCOGS (Science Chicks Organized Garden Society) Dr. Jessica Cranberry opened a private practice that specialized in depression, bi-polar disorder, and obsessive-compulsive disorder among common garden snails. She felt sure she could help mentally ill gastropods come out of their shells and open up to her, and she in turn, could relieve them of them of their burdens. Jessica’s office was located in an 89-year-old craftsman-style cottage in the revitalized part of the city known as Plasmicville, where other blossoming plasmic-weave scientists were steadily opening their businesses. Across the street from the house Jessica occupied, there was a husband-and-wife team that had a mechani-med clinic where angry small appliances were treated for short fuses. Her next-door neighbor, Miles Lopez, employed swine and geese as consultants to third-world countries trying to solve agriculture problems. It was a thriving area. In the back yard of Jessica’s rented house/office, she had, with great care, planted a lush, well-tended garden, sans pesticides. It was used as a rehab center for snails and slugs in need of intensive therapy over an extended time. Two brown rabbits and a handicapped vole were hired as psych nurses. Her little brother Kenny, who was a senior at a cosmetology school would come by three times a week to do maintenance on the garden and wash and set Jessica’s hair. In the first year, Jessica Cranberry’s gastropod mental health practice prospered. By February, her client list was so full, she started seeing patients on Saturdays and, occasionally, on Sundays. Quite frankly, she was more than a little surprised at the number of semi-lunatic snails and slugs in the city and suburbs. But her commitment to gastropod mental health never wavered. In August of the second year since she opened her practice, two notable events occurred in Jessica’s life; She met a man named Pink Leafblower and a snail named Otis. Pink Leafblower was a rock masseuse, employed by the Bob Cork Granite Mining Company. Pink made use of the plasmic weave to bond spiritually with stones, boulders and other rock formations. He used his fingers and elbows to manipulate bio-conditional atoms within rocks, which would ease their tension and calm their fears about being used as building material. Jessica’s meeting with Pink took place at the annual Sewage and Drainage Festival held at Burrough’s Park. During a festival concert by country artist Stokey Stern, Pink accidentally tripped over Jessica’s extended legs as she sat on the grass, spilling lukewarm licorice chowder on her left arm and thigh. He apologized profusely, and insisted on having sex with her. She agreed, and a relationship was born. Jessica’s encounter with Otis the snail happened a week later and under very different circumstances. Charles, the taller of the two brown rabbits in Jessica’s employ came into her office between sessions and informed her of Otis’ arrival. “Dr. Cranberry,” said Charles in an unexpectedly strong voice for a rabbit. “There is a new gastropod in the garden, and I don’t remember checking him in. I’ve had a look at the paperwork and found no record of anyone checking him in. He says his name is Otis, but he won’t offer any further information. Perhaps he might be more forthcoming with you.” “This is quite odd Charles; I recently had Barbara the vole double check our security, and it was tight. Let’s go see this Otis.” Charles led Jessica to the back door and out to the garden. He took the key to the security gate out of his lab coat and opened the gate for Dr. Cranberry to enter. “Follow me,” said Charles, “he’s over by the radishes.”
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