I started a huge number of things over this summer, but completed none. So I went back to the start to finish things off, and this is the first new piece since several months ago (or so it feels).
I experimented with an atypical form. Rather than mess around with quoatation marks and line breaks, I seperated speakers with italics. Does this work?
Oh, and don't worry...I'm not Denny.
Dennis took his seat at the dinner
table, and poured gravy over his pork chops and mashed potatoes. His parents’
forks clinked against their plates, and nobody spoke. The silence was dreadful.
Not because it was stifling or because there was some elephant in the room that
no one dared mention, but because it always had to be broken.
So,
Honey...um...the chops. The chops turned out very good, didn’t they. Good cuts
on sale at the butcher? No, same old cuts.
I’m trying a new type of potato this week, though. Supposed to be healthier.
I don’t see what was wrong with the old ones. Nothing’s wrong with them, these are just supposed to be better for us.
I don’t like all this ‘health food’ stuff. Soy this, tofu that...it’s not real
mens’ food, right Denny? Eh? Ha ha! Your damn health food costs more money,
too, money we don’t have. My health food?
You’re the one with high cholesterol, Frank. I don’t just buy this shit for
myself, you know. Well, we won’t be buying anything pretty soon if you keep
pissing away the money. I do not piss away the money! I buy things the family needs. Oh come off it, Sharon. Does the
family need all those coats and shoes you buy? My steel-toes give me blisters;
can I wear a pair of your flats to work tomorrow? Stop it. Or how ‘bout we send Dennis to school in one of your nice
fur coats? Wouldn’t that be nice? This
isn’t fair! Not fair? I’ll tell you what’s not fair. I work 10 hours a day
to provide for you and Denny, and you go and spend it on decorative pillows and
incense!
Dennis
quietly rose from the table and left the dining room without a word.
I need those things to relax! You think
being a mom is just so easy, don’t you. You think that work is only really work
if it involves a hardhat. Well let me tell you, I’d go fucking insane if I didn’t
have my luxuries around here! That doesn’t mean you get to spend all our
money, Sharon! You can relax in bed for God’s sake! Ya know what Frank? Bed would be a hell of a lot better of you would
touch me once in a while! I throw myself at you, and you just grunt and roll
over! Am I not sexy enough for you anymore, Frank? Hey, don’t go talking about
our sex life in front on Den-...Dennis?
Dennis’
empty chair stared back at them, and silence came over the dining room once
again. Gravy splashed over half-eaten pork chops, and forks clinked against
plates.
He gets that from you, you know.
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Written by KaydieKate (75 comments posted) 4th August 2008 |
Very nice. I take it you don't take kindly to mothers? In one poem/story, he male "throws her aside" to wash his clothes. In this one, she's rather spoiled and bitchy [though the father is confrontational, too.]
I liked it. It sums up the new-age family experience. |
Written by Canadian_Bacon (120 comments posted) 4th August 2008 |
| lol, I have notihng against mothers. In 'Avoid Pudding' it was meant for comedic effect, and in this story I tried to give both parents negative qualities. I do think the mother ended up being the worse of the two, though...not on purpose, that's just how it turned out. |
Written by Phil (7001 comments posted) 4th August 2008 |
The story worked well as a small scene - enjoyed. Last line worked well.
Honest reaction to formatting speech is: what's the point? New line for each speaker and quotation marks work very well. This worked well enough in this situation, you could see who was speaking etc, but if you had a third speaker, what would you do then?
Phil |
Written by Emmuttmax (203 comments posted) 4th August 2008 |
| Liked the story, disliked the formatting. |
Written by TwistedTales (548 comments posted) 4th August 2008 |
With the rest. Formatting did create a few confusions for me, too. Phil's got a point about the "third" speaker.
As a short it works well. We get a decent enough idea as to how their lives are and how in a way it's affecting the kid. I didn't get the need to mention the steel-toe boots. Why would she force him to wear those? Maybe it's just me.
TT |
Written by manyworlds (2 comments posted) 29th August 2008 |
Italics are for internal dialogue when not separated by lines. It was a "Herzog" experience of internal dialogue played in the mind of a child. I almost expected the child to talk aloud and tell them how nice he looks in his straw hat to preserve his ego.
I liked the story and the dialogue is believable. If you want to explore character, why go negative or familiar?
Explore character.
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