|
By briarcroft
|
|
05 August 2008 |
Written after the birth of a Haflinger foal in our barn  , our 50th in 20 years of breeding these kind lovely ponies.
It will never fail
To bring a smile
Cascading veil
Of sweet tears awhile
Eight legs, not four
Four eyes from two
Curiosity on trembling legs once more
And now creation's dream come true.
Hug fresh fur
Unspoiled and soft
What else can lure
To stall and loft?
Tomorrow's meadows now await
The run and leap and grassy nap
Wandering through the open gate
To rest secure in Earth's deep lap.
|
New Birth!
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 4th August 2008 | Love the freshness here - the joy that brings tears!
And the 'open gate' image? I don't know why ( I've used it myself), n=but the open gate sends shivers.
Small niggle, unless I've misread you (always possible late at night!):
'await something' , 'wait for something' - I think a slight adjustment to the last stanza would be good, though your final two lines are to die for!
Cheers!
John X |
Written by briarcroft (38 comments posted) 4th August 2008 | good suggestion, John. What I meant was the new foal born at night is not quite ready for the big field, so I have adjusted the verb at your suggestion. Maybe it works better now?
Emily |
Written by Phil (7001 comments posted) 4th August 2008 | Feels warm.
Phil | Hi Emily!
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 4th August 2008 | Thank you so much for your review of my pale whatsit.
Regarding your adjustment - yes, but it falls foul of an often-mentioned gripe with the use of 'do' in this context (see fellpony's comments on other works).
The problem is that, 'tomorrow's meadows do await' sounds forced and archaically poetical, if you get my drift?
It's your poem, of course, but a simple way out would be to write,
'tomorrow's meadows now await'
You're probably justifiably cross with me now, which I hate, but there we go . . .
Humbly with great respect!
John X |
Written by briarcroft (38 comments posted) 4th August 2008 | | yes, John, I like that ever so much better! thanks so much. | Fantastic!
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 4th August 2008 | I am flattered by your editing.
Truly, I think your work is superb, ottherwise I wouldn't bother with, and risk offence by, niggly suggestions!
Long may we continue like this|!
BTW Have you seen Brett's latest?
'Your naked back'
Now THAT'S poetry in my humble book!
Do have a look and review if you have time and space . . .
Cheers!
John XXX Night night! | Emily!
Written by Brett (1001 comments posted) 4th August 2008 | You have written some lovely phrases here ( and of course a wonderful poem) - being an animal lover myself, the one line that really brought a lasting image to, and dare I say touched, me was 'Curiosity on trembling legs once more' - fabulous. Embarrassed as I am by John's plug above, this is the kind of poetry that I find beyond me - I'd love to write about my two Jack Russell terriers, but nothing I write seems...right! Wonderful stuff.
Cheers |
Only registered users can rate and write comments.
Please login or register. Powered by AkoComment 2.0! |
Previous item
