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Incredible!
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 4th August 2008 |
This defies criticism!
I stagger back in awe, seriously - give me a thousand sestinas (and no offence to Brian), but put me on a desert island and give me this.
Simply astounding - like music, and with each re-reading grows in richness and in depth.
I am astonished - this should be framed in immortality.
As ever! Wow!
Cheers!
John Katie Crapwit Whatever!
Me! XXX |
Written by briarcroft (38 comments posted) 4th August 2008 |
ah, Brett, John is right, this is a masterpiece, really really wonderful.
I might suggest a few little meter or redundant word changes (take out "own" before hair, consider another descriptive word before "back" rather than repeating naked again)
the last two lines are superb!
thanks for your comments on my poem today, most appreciated.
Emily |
Thanks Emily
Written by Brett (1001 comments posted) 4th August 2008 |
but if I removed 'own' the metre would fall apart this is in pentametre. As for the repitition of 'naked' I felt that was the point of the poem. Thank you for your comments, but obviously no masterpiece.
Cheers |
Cheers, Tolstoy,
Written by Brett (1001 comments posted) 4th August 2008 |
Over appreciative, I'm sure, but thanks. Just goes to show - I wasn't sure to post this at all!
Cheers |
Aubade Extraordinaire!
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 4th August 2008 |
Never have I seen the cruel anticipation of 'the bastard dawn' expressed so well!
And, no offence to Emily, but I think the repetitition of 'naked' is essential - after all, it is the joy of nakedness that the cruel dawn inevitably robs us of . . .
I read, read and re-read - this is simply sublime, and much more.
I ache in admiration!
Cheers again!
John |
Top line
Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 4th August 2008 |
I agree that you should retain the word naked
Sending an email.
patterjack |
Written by briarcroft (38 comments posted) 4th August 2008 |
I'm sure you all are right on both. i certainly can't come up with a better word for naked and stay in meter.
Maybe "own" feels redundant to "your"? Maybe "soft" or another one syllable word would keep meter? Maybe it's just me...
Emily |
Written by 1211kellie (177 comments posted) 4th August 2008 |
Beautiful and sensual. Excellent piece.
Kellie |
Written by Veronica_Milvus (768 comments posted) 5th August 2008 |
An aubade! And a really wonderful one. What a stunning tribute to somebody who obviously turns their back on you rathe too often! I agree completely that this is a fabulous poem and expresses a lot of tender feelings absolutely perfectly. Don't change a word of it.
The "bastard dawn" was great and the last two lines were SO good! |
Emily -
Written by Brett (1001 comments posted) 5th August 2008 |
In sobriety I see that you were right - 'own' was redundant, I have changed this.
And Brian - thanks for the email, your insight and advice are always welcome.
Cheers |
Written by punchy (535 comments posted) 5th August 2008 |
And you have truly outdone yourself. this is stunning.
To know that there are men capable of seeing and writing about a female in such a tender and sensual way is enough to keep the hopes of some of us less fortunate ladies alive.
Px |
Written by Phil (7001 comments posted) 5th August 2008 |
Deserves all the plaudits given above. Very sensual in the reading - as well as the writing and before, I imagine.
Odd how things dovetail. Just been listening to a bit of Roger Waters - not to everyone's taste I'm sure - but this sits well in his lexicon. He probably never wrote in pentameter - but the feel.
Loved it.
Phil |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3590 comments posted) 5th August 2008 |
I thought this was sensual, elegant and so beautifully understated. The restrained use of language only added to the power of the emotion.
The last line was a bit of an anti-climax, for me, it broke that intimate spell that the poem cast but I'm no poet, and and on my own here so just ignore it. I'm probably wrong away. I still loved it
jane |
Written by briarcroft (38 comments posted) 5th August 2008 |
"scented" --perfect choice!
You have a brilliant gift with words and evoking feeling.
Emily |
Written by Josie (2847 comments posted) 5th August 2008 |
| Are you sure that "falls like a storm" is the right simile here? Does a storm actually fall? A storm rages but it doesn't fall. Rain falls, snow falls etc. Other than that, good poem. |
Written by Brett (1001 comments posted) 5th August 2008 |
I did have reservations regarding the opening line (and closing line) of this, I thought they may be too personal for the reader to fully appreciate. To elucidate - the subject of this poem would have me believe that her body is riddled with flaws and imperfections (that's women for you) some people fail to see the beauty in a storm - I don't. Rain, in a storm, falls. The sound of thunder falls on our ears. Her long back falls to a sweeter place. The line may be too personal, but as it is unlikely to end up in the Oxford Book of English Verse I shall keep it for the reason that it is personal.
The final line was to convey that it is impossible to hold onto this lady - like trying to grab the rain and mist.
Thanks to all who commented.
Cheers |
If you watch a stormcloud from a distanc
Written by Veronica_Milvus (768 comments posted) 5th August 2008 |
| sometimes you can see a great curving sheet of rain falling out of it. I assumed that's what you meant. Makes her seem somewhat elemental. |
Cheers V
Written by Brett (1001 comments posted) 5th August 2008 |
Often reviews say more than what I can in a poem. To me she does represent the elements, and you know how unpredictable they are at the moment!
Thanks and cheers |
Final comments . . .
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 5th August 2008 |
. . . . - they are so meaningful.
I'm a bit lost, but I am reminded of a Yeats poem where the woman in question is very pretty, and has a withered hand.
The withered hand makes the woman ultimately beautiful, way and beyond 'normal' beauty.
Respect to you both!
Cheers!
John X |
Tremendous!
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 13th August 2008 |
I've just revisited this incredible poem, and have absorbed the reviews above . . .
' . . . falls like a storm . . . ' is perfect!
cf Stevie Nicks, "I have always been a storm."
Whooooosh!
Cheers!
John |
Just discovered
Written by MattHews (45 comments posted) 12th November 2008 |
I've just discovered this and I like it very much . It's sensual, yet understated, erotic yet reserved.
Malcolm |
Thanks again Malcolm
Written by Brett (1001 comments posted) 12th November 2008 |
but as you see, the finished work was improved by, I hope, sound advice from the community.
Cheers |
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