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Peter Bought A Brand New Pair Of Shoes |
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By mr_soul
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05 August 2008 |
This was inspired by Josie's poem The Slow Train To Mediocrity. I have the feeling that its not finished yet, I think it could be improved a bit. But I thought posting it would tell me what people think of it and your all a very intelligent bunch so im sure you can spot ways of improving it!
Peter bought a brand new pair of shoes
After referring to the latest news
Of what was hot and what was not
And with this in mind he went and bought
A brand new pair of shoes.
The next day Peter proudly walked
Showing off the new shoes he'd bought
Glad to find that the people he'd meet
All had the same shoes on their feet,
So glad to share to share the same road that they walked.
Now then came a girl, dressed in colour, not plain
And the shoes she chose to wear were not the same
From all the boys and girls on the street
And furious, they chased, grabbed and beat
Attacked her soul and called her names.
Peter looked on as to the ground she was shoved
Forced to do nothing but he was falling in love
With the girl who'd spoke out, the girl of colour
Feelings he now felt, he'd felt for no other
And amongst pain and violence he met a thing called love.
Long after the crowd had gone, Peter stayed behind
Crying his cowardice, lamenting how he'd been blind.
Yet the girl took his hands and to the stars they wished
For a better world, and a loving kiss
The key to opening Peter's imprisoned mind.
"They can keep their coats and their narrow-minded shoes!"
"For it is we who shall prosper, it is they who will lose!"
And as Peter looked into her face so pretty and bright
Overcome with emotion, he knew she was right
And Peter threw away his brand new pair of shoes.
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Written by Josie (2847 comments posted) 5th August 2008 | | Subject good, but your metre is all over the place, as I think you would know I would say. I'm glad that I stimulated you to write a poem on this very important subject. Bullying often starts because people are perceived as a bit different. Well done! | Written by punchy (535 comments posted) 5th August 2008 | i don't know anything about metre but I though this was a stunning piece of writing. There is something very raw and young about it, kind of reminds me of the train spotting naration. great stuff xxx | Written by Brett (1001 comments posted) 5th August 2008 | I do feel that if a poet decides to rhyme that it is better to decide on a form or metre - but the first two stanzas I thought worked very well,. After that some of the lines lost their strength - it may be worth rewriting this as free verse! It does have potential, in my opinion. Cheers | Metre in poetry Written by Josie (2847 comments posted) 6th August 2008 | Mark - there is no need for anyone to say that they know nothing about metre in poetry for it is not at all difficult to understand and there are many books and websites which explain it easily. For my part - and there is a growing number of people who agree with me - poetry is not true poetry when it is written without metre. It may be called free verse and it may be called blank verse, and I have written it myself, but it lacks what distinguishes prose from poetry, and I would urge anyone who wants to be a true poet to study metre - even before rhyming. In this country, the importance of metre is being brought back into teaching with a flourish. See the article which I recommended to Brett. It would make your good poetical ideas stand head and shoulders above mediocre work. Here is the website to see: http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2008/apr/13/news.poetry | Josie Written by Brett (1001 comments posted) 6th August 2008 | Blank verse is distinguished by its metre - it just doen't rhyme - see Shakespeare, I think he knew what he was doing. Free verse still has rhythm, assonance, consonance, alliteration - it is not to be dismissed. But, I do agree any one who strives to write poetry needs to understand metre and form, then they can decide what style is for them. Good luck, Mark. Cheers | Written by Josie (2847 comments posted) 6th August 2008 | | Hmmm - I didn't say what I meant correctly and you are quite right Brett. It is the metre that makes the poetry, not the rhyming. Metre came into "poetry" even before Aristotle's time, but rhyming came in later on. It was the METRE which distinguished it from prose. I shouldn't have indicated that blank verse or free verse was always lacking in metre. It is not, of course, but what is appearing and being written in this section, under the name of poetry, is prose (sometimes not even as distinguished as this) which is being split into small lines. It has no metre at all, and is, in my opinion mediocre. I know others will not agree, but I do agree with you Brett wholeheartedly. |
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