A late messing with sonnet spacing - comments really welcome!
Cheers!
John X
A Lovers’ Tiff
We argue long, and crack against the night
until all virtue hides before we must
retire. No kisses to bestow, that might
now threaten our resolve to break the trust
we built on sand through thick, and sad, and thin.
You thinking we have a built a castle strong
enough to fend off all attack, but in
the end we are so wrong, so utterly wrong.
I feel the moon-tide as she pulls our boat,
our ramparts blown apart by heaven’s winds.
I want to seize the angels by the throat
and ask, “Why punish us for earthly sins
that angels would commit for you, if dared?”
They fly away from me - as if you cared!
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Written by Josie (2847 comments posted) 6th August 2008 |
| John, what do you mean by "sonnet spacing"? I ask this because there are very strict guidelines for the writing of sonnets. They are poems consisting of fourteen lines with a strict rhyme scheme and the word sonnet comes from "sonnetto" meaning a little song. So what do you mean by sonnet spacing? I didn't understand this and I am not trying to catch you out in any way, just confused. |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3590 comments posted) 6th August 2008 |
I'm probably showing my ignorance here but to me this almost felt like two separate poems.
The first two verses were restrained,sad and passive; expressed clearly in, what I would call, expected "poetical" language. Then I was blown away by the passion and wild brio of the last verse. It had a rhythm and power of its own.It felt like a different voice. That's where the heart of the poem was for me.
Be interested to see what others think
cheers
jane |
Hi Josie!
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 6th August 2008 |
I think I've kept to the pentameters and abab cdcd efef gg rhyme scheme.
All I mean by 'sonnet spacing' is the division of stanzas. Shakespeare's are written as a single block of text with an indented final couplet. Modern ones seem often to be split into three 4-line stanzas plus the couplet at the end.
I was experimenting with tacking line 5 onto the first stanza in order to avoid a space in the 'enjambment' of ' . . . break the trust we built on sand . . . ', something that Phil commented in an earlier sonnet.
Merely an experiment! Thank you for the pm - I'll reply properly when time permits!
Cheers!
John X |
Hi Jane!
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 6th August 2008 |
Many thanks for this! You've pointed out something I hadn't really thought of.
Yes, I think there are two voices - the first in a state of building, yet rational, sad resentment and anger - the second where the anger bursts into uncontrolled irrational rage, if you get my drift.
Still the same person, still the same poem - but yes, a big transition. Does it work? Dunno!
I, too, would welcome other opinions.
Cheers!
John X |
Written by Phil (7001 comments posted) 6th August 2008 |
Hi John. I noticed the break and how it suited the enjambment as I read - so successful there. Whether it can still be a sonnet or not, I wouldn't know - but surely meaning and communication is more important than sticking to a form for the sake of it.
Like Jane - two parts - but I thought they worked together to make the whole.
Hope this is more fictional than personal.
Phil |
Fictional Phil
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 6th August 2008 |
Thanks Phil - well I guess we've all had tiffs! This is just a rather exaggerated one.
Just realised that 'wins' and 'sins' are too close in rhyme to the previous 'thin' and 'in'.
Also, I think the meaning of the last four lines is unclear, to say the least.
All in all a rather clumsy effort!
Cheers!
John |
Written by Josie (2847 comments posted) 6th August 2008 |
| Yes, I understand now John. I've done Petrarchan sonnets and they were also done in separate verses, but I see that the Shakespearean ones are, as you say, all in one. Thanks. I need to study this subject more. I liked your phrase "the trust we build on sand etc" It often happens that trust is built on sand which moves about when disturbed. It's sad, but very true. I also loved "I feel the moon tide as she pulls our boat". An excellent description as you feel pulled this way and that in a relationship. Altogether an excellent poem I would say. Well done! |
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