Finally, I had come of age, of an age to take up arms and do battle in the name of the Darkspear Trolls and to conquer land for the glory of our Warchief, Bludspitter.
To prove myself to my fellow Trolls and the great Orcs who rescued our kind, I would have to succesfully complete the seven trials of Grobsnych.
I was summoned to the tent of Gornek the merchant, who would assign me with my first task of provement.
Gornek told me that I would start by hunting and killing ten mottled boars, returning their bloody carcases to the camp for a feast later that night.
I did not have to travel far to hunt the boars as they inhabited the lands just outside of our village. Slaying the boars was easy, a few arrows to the neck was more than enough to put them asleep for good. Upon my return, Gornek advised me to chop them up for the feast. That very night, we feasted on fresh boar meat and insect limbs, the fruits of my first quest.
Later that night Gornek approached me and told me to rest up, as the following day would be a lot more tough.
Next morning, the sky was red from the village fires of Dustmore. I dressed myself in skins of fellbeast and went to see Gornek. He told me that my next task was to bring back the head of a Tarantiulus, a most fearsome creature. The blood of a full grown Tarantiulus can eat through stone and bone and turn iron to jelly.
For this next part of my trial, i was to arm myself with a daggar along with my trusty bow that was made from the bone of a dead didilousaur that i found in the desert while searching for water.
Tarantiulus can be found in the caves along the ridge of Rokdus, the caves were a ten miles walk from the village. I was allowed to take a flask of water from the volvic springs which had speical healing powers and loaf of bread from the mills of Warburden. I said farewell to my trollkin and mounted my faithful raptor stead, Starscream.
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Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3590 comments posted) 6th August 2008 |
You got a good story telling style, pacy and mercifully free of the excesses that this type of story often suffers from. It is however far too derivative. With Orcs and trolls we are in Tolkien territory and it's all been done before. Also the set-up with the coming of age quest is a bit hackneyed. Why not let your imagination of the leash and make up your own characters and situation. Just have a read through of Pullman, who I prefer to Tolkien, to see how he invents his own world. What's missing here is originality cheers jane |
Written by Olly_Williams (11 comments posted) 6th August 2008 |
Never read Tolkien, never heard of Pullman. I get all my ideas playing the World of Warcraft. Hopefully day two will be a bit more exciting cheers Olly |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3590 comments posted) 6th August 2008 |
Fair enough, you might not have read Tolkien but the makers of World of Warcraft certainly have and probably seen the films as well. I didn't say it wasn't exciting but it was derivative. |
Written by Phil (7001 comments posted) 6th August 2008 |
With Jane on this one. It's good advice. Having read your profile - which states that you are 14 - this isn't a bad attempt at all. The important thing is to write, which you are doing - something I can't seem to do at the moment. As well as the advice given by Jane, you might think about some careful proofing. While less important than content, grammar and spelling are key to suesful writing. Examples: to put them asleep for good to them to sleep for good as the following day would be a lot more tough. as the following day would be a lot tougher. Hope this helps. Phil |
Written by Phil (7001 comments posted) 6th August 2008 |
| That should say: successful writing. |
Written by Olly_Williams (11 comments posted) 6th August 2008 |
Thanks for the review guys. especialy Phil, your idea of making mistakes in the reviews to highlight the mistakes in the story was very funny, lol. fanx Olly
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Written by Phil (7001 comments posted) 6th August 2008 |
It was plain clumsiness - that I should be so clever! |
Written by Mr_E_Writer (225 comments posted) 6th August 2008 |
Hi Olly. As you were kind enough to review my story, I thought I'd return the favour. As has already been said, it is good that you have started writing, all that you now have to do is find new and exciting ways of relating your tale. So whatever you do, don't follow my lead. Don't do as I do, do as someone else says. Good start, keep at it. Eric. P.S. The Tarantiulus(es) sound pretty nasty, you wouldn't want to meet one of them down a dark spaceship corridor. |
Written by Asferthecat (859 comments posted) 6th August 2008 |
| This reads as a take-off of the fantasy genre. I enjoyed it and ended up with a big smile on my face - but I'm not sure if that is what you intended. |
Written by Veronica_Milvus (768 comments posted) 6th August 2008 |
And Olly - if you haven't read Lord of the Rings - do! I didn't read it until I was 17 and that was a bit of a loss. Nice work, very descriptive, I hope you do some more. |
Written by Olly_Williams (11 comments posted) 7th August 2008 |
Cheers guys, Veronica i have seen the lord of the rings films so i'm not sure if there if i will gain anything from reading the books Cheers Olly |
Your references Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3590 comments posted) 7th August 2008 |
You will gain a lot from reading the books as the books are the original source and contain so much more than the film. You need to get your references from source. You are getting yours 3rd or 4th hand. You got them from World of Warcraft and they got them from the film and the film got them from the book and each time things are lost,simplified and edited out. If you get your cultural references in such a heavily modified way you will never come out with anything original, but ,hey, you're 14 and I'm wasting my time saying this. cheers jane |
Written by Brett (1001 comments posted) 7th August 2008 |
I must agree with Jane. If you truly wish to write about Orcs and such then study the original source. Perhaps you should read Tolkien, Pullman, et al it may heighten your own imagination and lead to a more original idea. And Darkspear Troll sounds like a real ale. Good luck and cheers. |
Written by Olly_Williams (11 comments posted) 7th August 2008 |
Thanks guys, i will read the books of Tolkien and ill keep my eye out for Pullman. If any one can tell me a name of a good book that Pullman wrote then i'll track it down. Cheers Olly |
Written by Mr_E_Writer (225 comments posted) 7th August 2008 |
In defense of young Olly, the reading of Tolkien, Pullman, et al may in fact lead to unoriginal ideas. Since the LOTR films, the genre has been swamped with poor imitations. And why quote these people as 'The Source'? Tolkien may have given birth to some of the creations in LOTR, but Goblins can be traced back to Germanic 'sprites' and Trolls (which Olly is using) are of Norse origin. Perhaps he could have invented a new name for his creatures, perhaps that would have given his tale a different angle, but give the kid a chance, his story has only just begun. Cheers. Eric.
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Written by Brett (1001 comments posted) 7th August 2008 |
Olly, Eric does has made a valid point - fantasy not being my prefered genre - perhaps you would be better to devour the classical myths of the Greeks, Norse, and Celts, there's some cracking stuff there. Cheers |
Pullman Olly Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 7th August 2008 |
Hi Olly ! You ask for a good book by Philip Pullman. His best known work is a trilogy of 'fantasy' novels called 'His Dark Materials', which I'm ashamed to say I haven't read myself, but I know people rave about it! You could give that a try? Cheers! And keep up the writing without getting dispirited! All the best and good luck! John |
Written by Olly_Williams (11 comments posted) 7th August 2008 |
Hi guys, i will do my homework then on myhtology. Katanga, many thanks, i will look out for these books in shops and on the web. Sweet Olly |
Mmmkay Written by zee666 (51 comments posted) 31st August 2008 |
| I like the general atmosphere and feeling of the piece but it's very cliche and very 'i did this, then i did that, then i did...' etc. I guess it doesn't help hat your source material is world of warcraft, that never gives you browny points, but it was implemented well and was done to a satisfactory standard. |
Written by Fledermaus (3506 comments posted) 31st August 2008 |
It's a promising idea, especially since trolls are usually the bad guys, but it's way too short. As for the whole originality discussion: There's nothing wrong with learning from World of Warcraft. In fact it's a great thing that a computer game would inspire prose. Do watch out for turning this into a roleplaying log though: MMORPGs are all about action, but a story needs more depth. I think that if you'd like to write such 'traditional' fantasy, the people above gave some very good advice about writers you might want to read. Tolkien more or less invented the genre, but he himself (as a professor of Old English) was much inspired by mythology. If you're interested in such things and want to impress your English teachers, you might want to read Beowulf. It's one of the oldest stories ever written in English and it does involve trolls (Well, at least I think Grendel is a troll).
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Hi Olly Written by fellpony (1751 comments posted) 31st August 2008 |
Yes, read the books first if you can, rather than accepting what the films think are commercial box-office. This applies to Beowulf too, though you'll have to go for a translation as it's in a very ancient form of English that is unintelligible to modern speakers I second the recommendation to read LOTR and His Dark Materials (which knocks LOTR into a cocked hat in a lot of ways). I have to agree that this is copycat stuff, but i was amused by the idea of chopping up ten wild boar in an afternoon. Some butcher, your boy must be! And I note he's keen on TV ad provender (water from the volvic springs which had speical healing powers and loaf of bread from the mills of Warburden [Warburton?]). But keep writing, Olly - it's the best way to force original ideas into life. |
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