Maybe straightforward 'block text' is better?
I guess that's how Willy did 'em, but I can't help thinking that the publishers were simply trying to save space!? Parchment was expensive in them days!
Comments welcome!
Cheers!
John X
Through a window
I saw her standing in a belting rain,
which whipped her face, but barely hid her tears.
I saw them roll, to leave a make-up stain
that seemed to mark the pain of long-lost years,
when love was settled soft in her brown eyes,
and longing burst from her young tender heart,
where faith was strong, reflecting bluer skies,
and heaven beckoned her to play her part.
But now the rain has stopped, her tears roll on.
I wonder, “What, or who, has made you sad?”
Her eyes are tearswept, yet they fall upon
my own, as if to say, “It’s not so bad!”
This meeting here of eyes sends me away
To dream of her, a night, another day.
|
Tolstoy
Written by Brett (1001 comments posted) 6th August 2008 |
I enjoyed this very much. I actually prefer sonnets in blocked text (doesn't really matter, I know - a sonnet is a sonnet).
You have conjured up some lovely images here;
'I saw them roll, to leave a make-up stain'
My only niggle is that there may be to many references to 'rain'/'rainswept'.
Liked this, though.
Cheers |
Forgot to say
Written by Brett (1001 comments posted) 6th August 2008 |
that I wish I had thought of this title as a poem for my father - that's just where I'd like to see him go!
Cheers |
Written by Fledermaus (3506 comments posted) 6th August 2008 |
| I do like the style, especially where the last lines are concerned. It's a nice thing if one can write an original poem about a subject that has been used so often. The last two lines were especially good, but probably mainly so because of what precedes them. |
Written by 1211kellie (177 comments posted) 6th August 2008 |
I don't know an awful lot about poetry but your imagery certainly stirred emotions within me.
Kellie xx |
Brett!
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 6th August 2008 |
Thank you for jumping on this!
I agree entirely - I have edited it.
Do you think 'tearswept' is better than 'rainswept'?
Suddenly, and certainly, I do! Thanks!
I guess you forced me to invent a 'neologism'?
Your second post worried me . . .
Will pm you tomorrow . . .
Cheers! As ever!
John X |
No PM needed!
Written by Brett (1001 comments posted) 6th August 2008 |
| That's not a political statement. Just a joke, John, on the fact that I can't stand the bugger. Good poem. |
Written by punchy (535 comments posted) 6th August 2008 |
You certainly write romantic poetry so beautifully.
I have been reading this while there is rain falling from the heavens and thunder and lightning and it was a perfect back drop to this poem. I almost felt like I was the one standing in it,fortunately I am all snuggly and warm in my little cosy corner.
x |
Written by Robru (272 comments posted) 7th August 2008 |
" this meeting here of eyes sends me away" This line gets to me. In another life i lived this poem.
A lovely poem, even though so sad.
Cheers
Bob |
Written by Josie (2847 comments posted) 7th August 2008 |
John: You could say:
And when the sun returns, her tears still fall.
I wonder, “What, or who, has made you sad?”
This makes a contrast. You don't have to use rain again and the sunshine contrasts with her falling tears. Does this help?
Lovely poem.
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Written by Phil (7001 comments posted) 7th August 2008 |
Loved the last four lines of this:
Her eyes are tearswept, yet they fall upon
my own, as if to say, “It’s not so bad!”
This meeting here of eyes sends me away
To dream of her, a night, another day.
They turn a descriptive piece into something much more personal and reflective.
'...in a belting rain...' was a little odd for me. Perhaps a touch too colloquial. Could just be me.
The ending makes this quite special.
Phil |
Belting rain?
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 7th August 2008 |
Thank you for your very kind comments!
'belting rain'? Hmmmm? I'm not sure that the phrase exists - I was trying to put a twist on the cliched 'pelting rain' and link it to whipped, perhaps hinting at some tragic physical abuse that had happened in the girl's life.
I would be interested to know if you and others 'buy' this explanation!
Cheers!
John |
Josie!
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 7th August 2008 |
Thanks - a good suggestion!
However, I now only have 'rain' X 2, which I hope is not clumsy repetition, since I changed 'rainswept' to 'tearswept' which I prefer. At least it's not the cliche 'windswept'.
The only snag with your suggestion is that I would have to change line 11 to make a new end-rhyme.
I shall ponder on this . . .
Thanks again!
Cheers!
John X |
Written by stevetroster (1601 comments posted) 7th August 2008 |
Hello John, I thought your poem was a sterling effort that ‘said’ loads. My only critique (that was, until I read the reviews) was the statement “but barely hid her tears.”, which suggests that her tears were hidden, albeit barely, and so seems at odds with “I saw them roll,”.
Now onto the great ‘belting’ debate.
I’m happy to admit that I’m no poet, but I do enjoy playing with words and the meaning of words.
I wonder if you might like to consider ’sheeting rain’ and also the possibility of exchanging whipping for lashing? Although the meaning is much the same, it is a nice play on eyelashes.
I saw her wrapped in sheets of rain,
which lashed her face but failed to mask her tears.
I saw them roll, to leave a make-up stain…
As I say, I’m no poet, so over to you.
All the best,
Steve.
P.S. I had no problem with you using rain on two occasions, as sometimes it is good to emphasis a point.
 |
Written by Issy (5 comments posted) 7th August 2008 |
what a lovely piece!
You can feel the aching of the tears and the way they are are more powerful than the relentless rain. Loved the line about reflecting bluer skys.
beautiful!
xx |
Hi Steve!
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 7th August 2008 |
Its great to have a review from you good self - really!
I agree with you -
I saw her wrapped in sheets of rain,
which lashed her face but failed to mask her tears.
I saw them roll, to leave a make-up stain…
That is beautiful! And I entirely take your point about 'lashes' linking with 'eyelashes'!
However, all I would humbly say is that you have taken my poem a step further.
I think you should now write your own poem, based on what you have written here - give it a different meter, different form, and I'm sure you cvould write a stonker!
I'm being serious here!
Try it! I'll be the first to review!
Please forgive me though - I can't rewrite the above according to your suggestions.
I need to keep to my pathetic own . . .
Cheers! BTW I greatly respect your work, and look forward to seeing and reviewing more!
John X
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