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Shorts
House of Mourn: The Music Box
By TurboWolffe
07 August 2008

Just a short bit, nothing special.  Enjoy!! ^_^

A house waits, under the sinister moonlight, beckoning those outside it to enter. It creaks and groans as it tries to draw you in. The forest around it is dark and threatening. An occasional pair of eyes flits through the shadows, and you turn to run. The trees bend and grope for something to latch on to. It snags the hood of your jacket, but you are too frightened to loose yourself, so you run off with the branch latched to you. You enter the yard of the mysterious house. The grass is tall and wild. A broken path of stepping stones leads to the decrepit front door. You step onto the porch, cautiously, jumping back as it squeaks at the pressure. Behind you, the forest moans, but in front of you, the door swings open. A rustling of the grass sends you into heightened awareness. You are scared, you don’t know what will happen, but you have to make a choice. You can rush through the woods, and never look back, or you can wait for dawn in the strange house. The grass swishes at your side, and you leap onto the porch, dashing into the house as a pair of green eyes snarls at you. The door slams shut, and you turn at the suddenness of it. And there, painted in white are the words: Welcome to the House of Mourn.


The notes floated on the air as a figure pushed open a door. The door swung easily open, temporarily casting an abstract shadow across an empty room. The notes still played, but became no louder. The figure sighed with frustration, and left the empty room. All night the notes had played, on and off. And when the figure was certain they’d find the source, it stopped, and the figure left it alone, confused and annoyed. The little tings played “You are My Sunshine”, but the song was never finished. It usually stopped at ‘please don’t take--’, and the figure was left to say, ‘my sunshine away…’

The floor boards whined as the figure came ever so closer to the noise. The notes were still playing, but they neared the end of the song, when it suddenly stopped at its usual place. The last note, however, was particularly loud as the figure stepped in front of another door. The door had peeling red paint, and the knob was one of those old-fashioned, diamond-looking things. The figure, holding a jar with a candle in it, reached for the knob, and turned it. The door grated across the wooden planks, clattering against a wall as it fell open. The room was bare, but in the middle, in a puddle of moonlight, was a music box.

The music box was black, with ivory inlays. It had creeping vines of ivy that encroached a ruby heart on the lid. The corners of the box were sparkling with strips of gold. The lid suddenly lifted itself, slowly, causing the figure to draw back. The lid righted itself, and the moonlight struck a tiny figure that rose from within the box. The figure moved closer. The shape in the music box wasn’t a ballerina, nor a pair of dancers. It was, strangely enough, a skeleton in a black tuxedo.

The skeleton had a shovel over its shoulder, as it looked at the figure with its empty grin slapped across its face. Its other arm was held out and a top-hat was clutched in its fingers. The music began to play again, and the skeleton began to turn slowly, counterclockwise. The lid of the box, the figure noticed, was painted with a sun, covered by heavy, grey clouds.

‘You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy, when skies are grey.’

The skeleton began to weave as the notes trickled out. Four crows on tiny rods appeared, flying around the skeleton as it wove around in the box. The notes were nearing the finish once more. The crows moved up and down as they flew clockwise, in a circle, around the skeleton.

‘Please don’t take--’

The music stopped, and the figures in the box moved silently about. The figure drew closer to the music box, setting the jar down as it crouched on the floor to get a better look. The candlelight fluttered across the faces of the dancing figures. The figure drew its face to the silent music box. Outside, a sudden clap of thunder sounded. The puddle of moonlight began to disappear, and drops of water fell onto the floor, around the box. The figure lifted its head to the window behind the box, but it was completely black. A particularly fat drop fell on the figure’s head, and the figure glanced up. A considerably sized hole opened up in the roof. The moon was situated in the center of the hole, but dark clouds pushed themselves into the moonlight, and struck it away from the music box.

The figure squinted it was so dark, shielding its eyes from the cold drops that fell. The drops thumped on the floor of the room, and the crows and the skeleton still danced in the silence. The thunder rolled, and a sudden streak of light pierced the blackness, followed by an unearthly moan. The figure that had been looking up at the sky fell to the floor, its head resting against the side of the music box. The candle was struck down as the figure’s foot smashed into it, splattering the wax across the floor. The candle rolled across up against the red door, the wick black and smoking. A trickle of blood slithered from beneath the figure, and seethed under the music box. When the blood struck the box, the song finished playing, the skeleton stopped, facing the dead figure with its outstretched hand, and the crows stood still. The moonlight slowly seeped back into the room, and poured across the music box once more.

 

The End

Reviews

Written by Mr_E_Writer (225 comments posted) 7th August 2008
A very interesting and imaginitive story (albeit slightly ambiguous), but the trouble is it's not particularly well written.  
Here is an example: The lid suddenly lifted itself, slowly, causing the figure to draw back. The lid righted itself, and the moonlight struck a tiny figure that rose from within the box. The figure moved closer. 
Which figure is which? Try to find a less confusing way of describing your characters. 
 
And just look at the amount of repetition in the opening paragraph: notes - figure - open a door - door - open - empty room - notes - figure - empty room - notes - figure - figure - etc. 
 
That aside, I enjoyed your story and feel that it would be worth you spending some time on polishing it. 
 
Cheers. 
Eric. 
 

Written by stevetroster (1601 comments posted) 7th August 2008
Hello she wolf. Another nice ‘dark’ idea that, as with most of your pieces, is full of mystery and imagination. As has been said above, it needs a good sorting out; but then you probably knew I was going to say that. 
I can understand the use of ‘figure’ to enhance the ambiguity and asexuality of the story, but it also leaves the reader detached from the story and unable to connect with ’the figure’. Could you not just use a simple HE or SHE? 
It’s a nice piece that has some nice images, and I’ll probably stick this on my work pad and play around with it. 
 
All the best, keep up the good ideas, 
Steve. 
 
P.S. Your intro was very wordy. Personally I don’t think that you needed to explain where the story was coming from. However, if you consider that it is necessary, then why not incorporate the intro into the story?

Written by Asferthecat (859 comments posted) 9th August 2008
A mysterious story. The intro was unecessary as it was clear that the figure was in an abandoned house. 
I would give the figure more substance - gender etc, so we care more about what happens to him. He doesn't even have any feelings - fear etc. Perhaps that is part of the mystery. 
Does the house catch fire? Does the death of the figure have any meaning? 
On the whole, its a little too mysterious

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