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Shorts
And He Looked Like
By dandysocpic
07 August 2008
Again, I'm not entirely sure if I like this. Hopefully this is a little better.
Somewhat auto-biographical and so I've tried to capture the fragmented nature, of this situation. 



And he looked like Donnie Darko just before he burns the house down, all dark desperate eyes and sick passionate smile. The silvers of white china bounced around her bare feet, he reached for another plate; pausing in his shouts only to catch breath and hurl some fury behind the coming throw. She saw the plate whole and then only its brilliant shattering, the pieces danced across the floorboards throwing glints of light against the wall. They had been shouting at each for nearly an hour after a previous argument had been awoken once again. She rose from the chair, unfolding her limbs slowly, strode towards him and placed one perfectly manicured finger nail against his lips; the red of her varnish matching his complexion. He choked on his own onslaught, after regaining his breath he took her finger into his mouth and bit. Hard. The pain and embarrassment shoot down her finger through her body, a kinetic spark sent her hand soaring, open-palmed across his cheek. He recoiled dramatically.

For a brief second there was nothing, and then there was everything. They kissed. Her nails clawing at his neck; and he crushed her against his body.

When he finally stirred, it was late afternoon. He could not remember the argument or if they had resolved anything. The bed was empty. She had left early; silently seething and he had looked like something she might miss; a boy sleeping peacefully, lulled into sleep by alcohol. It was over all too soon she thought. He could see no alternative. It made him sad. The painting on the back of his door reminded him of everything he had drunk away, it made him smile; a sad smile.

He'd been home less than twenty fours; that's hardly time to take a shower. He found a picture of them, he tore it in half. It's not like he didn't like her, but it made him sad, because in the photo she looks just like a little girl with bright eyes. He heard that she had a new boyfriend. He scribbled a note on the back of the painting on his door, “So nice, and so smart, such a good friend; I simply had to break you heart and tear your world apart'. He whispered to himself “Just pretend I didn’t tear your world apart” and began to throw the empty bottles away. He’d been home less than twenty fours; that's hardly time to take a shower. He tore the picture in half, checked his e-mail, wrote some stories and read a book. The sky was grey and he looked like everything would be ok.

 

Reviews

Written by mia_ms_kim (1057 comments posted) 6th August 2008
This has a very strange formatting, which makes it impossible to read. Perhaps you should repost this???? 
 
Mia

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3590 comments posted) 7th August 2008
I don't know who Donnie Darko is which didn't help as it was the only bit of description I had to go on to try and picture him, not even a name. I know you were trying to capture a situation and I think you did capture the fragmented nature of it very well. The trouble is you don't bond with situations but with characters and we never got to know them. 
I thought it was well written. I liked the tone and pace of it. There were a few odd phrases :- 
"The pain and embarrassment shoot down her finger through her body" 
embarrassment wouldn't shoot down her finger, and it should have been "shot' A quick proof-read would tighten it up. 
You write a good scene,maybe flesh it out. 
jane

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