This is a piece I wrote last year for a creative writing class.
It’s funny, ‘cause the clouds haven’t changed their position
But you can’t see them anymore.
I keep looking at you and hope you are breathing, but it’s just the breeze ruffling your shirt
My front bumper is barely touching you now
I don’t want to look at the front, or the dent, or the skid marks beyond.
So I look at the clouds mirrored in your fixed and dilated pupils
Waiting for the sirens
Waiting for the clouds to move
I notice the tyres look like they could do with some air
Small worries
You could do with some air
Please breathe (you’re scaring me)
I look from grey road to you
You to the car
Now parked in a haphazard way
I hear the sirens and look up at the sky
The clouds (at last) have started to move
I wish we could go with them.
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Written by Brett (1001 comments posted) 7th August 2008 |
Whilst there are facets of this I do like, I do have some reservations (as a newcomer I shall tell you that free verse is not my forte - others will be able to give you much more constructive criticism).
I felt the third line of the first stanza too long, it seems to lose any rhythm the poem has, I feel it should be seperated into two lines (it does have a natural break).
I do like the line regarding '...fixed and dilated pupils' (I may have lost the 'and' and replaced it with a comma - but this is your poem, and thankfully no writers write alike). Again in the penultimate line I would lose the parenthesis, but that is a matter of taste - those last two lines, by the way, I think very powerful.
Cheers |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3590 comments posted) 7th August 2008 |
If I'd just run my boyfriend over I don't think my first thought would be to write a poem about it, but then I'm not a poet.
There's a quietly psychotic voice to this, or have I read it wrong.
Really weird
jane |
Hello Issi!
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 7th August 2008 |
While I agree with Brett above, I think this is fantastic!
I would simply delete '(at last)'.
See what I mean? The poem would gain everything and lose nothing!
I really look forward to more from you - this one inspired me!
Cheers!
John X |
Afterthought!
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 7th August 2008 |
I like this so much I've tried to settle it in my head . . .
For me, it reads better with different line spacings:
"It's funny becaause the clouds
haven't changed their position,
but you can't see them anymore.
I keep looking at you and hope
you are breathing, but it's just
the ruffling of your shirt.
etc etc
Sorry! Don't know if this helps?
I really like this anyway!
Greatly looking forward to more from you!
John X
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Tolstoy
Written by Brett (1001 comments posted) 7th August 2008 |
As Issy has chosen to write in free verse, I don't think we should try to rewrite her poem in any other form. Besides, I think (in my limited experience) that the trick of free verse is to finish the sentences at natural breaks - where one may take a breath or pause for effect. Rather than in the formal verse that you and me usually work in where metre and enjambment (as in your version above) are the norm.
I think this has been handled very well (other than my niggles in my initial review that are, of course, only my opinion). We need the advice of the revered patterjack and NathanRoberts for free verse.
Cheers |
Issy - Yes, Brett!
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 7th August 2008 |
Issy - you've written something really good here . . .
Brett - I agree - in the light of your comments above, I realise I was over-hasty.
I really admire Issy's piece, but was mistakenly 'over-helpful'. I have drunkenly reverted to tired formats!
Issy - please forgive me! Your work is excellent! More please . . . and I mean that!
BTW Brett - what's happened to NathanRoberts (Rob)?
Summer holidays?
Cheers Issy!
John X
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Written by punchy (535 comments posted) 8th August 2008 |
| very enjoyable and equally disturbing. x |
Written by Josie (2847 comments posted) 8th August 2008 |
| Free verse: I just cannot get my head around free verse as poetry at all. Sorry Issy. I cannot imagine how a poem can have one line with two words in it whilst having line 3 the length it is. I also cannot imagine writing about someone I had just knocked down with a car and speaking in such a relaxed way, ie about the clouds. For me, I would be nearly beside myself with upset. Sorry Issy, you cannot please everyone. |
Written by Phil (7001 comments posted) 8th August 2008 |
I liked the juxtaposition of calm writing and, presumably, inner turmoil due to the event. I think it worked well. Line three did seem a little long.
The changing visual perspective was a little disturbing, but as it was meant to be so, worked well too.
Thought this a good piece.
Phil
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Written by Issy (5 comments posted) 9th August 2008 |
Hi guys
Thanks for the reviews - I don't think poetry is my forte, but I do like to write some musings every now and again.
I didn't mean for this to be a wierd one! I think it's more about the capule of reaction you find youself in immediately after bad incidents - focusing on the unimportant while you brain tries to unscramble what has just happened.
oh well, I wandered lonely as a cloud eh!!
xxxxxx |
Issy's explanation!
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 13th August 2008 |
Just to say that I keep revisiting this, Issy.
I think your 'explanation' above is spot-on!
Time freezes when one is shock, just as your clouds stop - just like adrenalin kicks in with a massive dose when you break a leg or whatever, so you can deal with the pain for about half an hour while you seek help . . .
It's an evolutionary programmed thingummybob, I think, and you've encapsulated it brilliantly in your poem!
More please!
Cheers!
John X |
Written by Issy (5 comments posted) 14th August 2008 |
Hi John
I am really pleased you like this one - and I am flattered you returrned again!
i will deffo get some more work on here, and i like your profile by the way, the band sounds cool, and good for you for performing your poetry (which is brill by the way)
xx |
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