I've just started writing seriously, so I'd appreciate any feedback. This isn't finished, just an intro. But I'd like to see what you guys think of it.
11am. Todd grunted as he struggled to open his eyes. He'd been sleeping for fifteen hours, so he couldn't figure out why he was still tired. The couch creaked as he sat up to check the time. The sound of rain tapping against the window calmed him as he layed back down. His house lay on a hill, about a mile away from the town he grew up in, the town that he once loved. It wasn't the most colourful of places, but it was home. That's where he grew up, that's where he was educated, and thats where he was comfortable. He could never bring himself to move away from it.
The only reason he didn't live anywhere in the town was because he enjoyed waking up every morning to look upon it all and remenisce. He enjoyed listening to the distant sound of the market, the faint smell of smoke from peoples chimneys and the overall view of the place. He didn't do this anymore though, he never felt like it. The windows and door of the house were locked, and the curtains were closed. Just as he was, locked away from the world and closed off from communication. He hadn't visited the town in some time now. The only communication he had was with his new partner Keira, who had recently moved in with him.
"Lovely weather eh?" she commented. Sarcasm breathing from her words as she made her way down the stairs. Todd replied with a simple "No"
"Well your just miserable" Todd gave no reply to this. He simply kept his place on the couch and stared at the ceiling. His mind was hyper but his heart was slow. It beated along with the ticking of the clock. The clouds saliva continued to drop through the air and dampen the ground outside. "Don't stop raining" Todd thought to himself. He enjoyed the rain. He enjoyed how the dark clouds drained the colours out of the world. Getting to his feet, it came to his delight the sound of thunder echoing across the town. He savoured the fact in knowing that nobody was going to be outside enjoying themselves today. They didn't deserve to
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Written by Mr_E_Writer (225 comments posted) 9th August 2008 | Hello chufflebinger.
I've just reviewed, at length, another story in 'shorts', so haven't got the time to review your work in detail.
But, as you'd like to hear what we guys think of it, my initial reaction would be that it still needs some work doing on it.
There are a lot of little things that drag your story down, like Keira being sarcastic about the weather when Todd would clearly have no control over the elements.
And: He enjoyed waking up every morning to look upon it all and remenisce. He enjoyed listening to the distant sound of the market, BUT, he didn't do it anymore. So presumably he HAD enjoyed waking up every morning to look upon it all and remenisce. He HAD enjoyed listening to the distant sound of the market...
So, plenty to keep you busy.
Cheers.
Eric. |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3590 comments posted) 9th August 2008 | As an introduction it serves it's purpose but there is too much repetition of Todd's attitude to his town in the first two chapters. Once you've told us move on to the next thing, no need to keep harping on. The reader will get the message.
Our only introduction to Keira was the one line of dialogue which told us nothing. As an intro I think you concentrate on the wrong thing. His relationship with Keira has far more potential than his relationship with his town.Intros need to grab the reader and hook them. Scene setting is fine and shouldn't be ignored but it is characters we bond with.
There were a few typos and some grammar issues e.g
"It beated along with the ticking of the clock."
That needs to be rephrased.
Let's see the rest now
cheers
jane |
Written by stevetroster (1601 comments posted) 9th August 2008 | Hello, and welcome.
Whether as an introduction or not, it could be a lot punchier.
The opening paragraph consists of a lot of short statements that could be better structured. And (even though it’s not a word) you have layed and lay in very close proximity to one another, something that is best avoided.
You also use he, his & himself sixteen times in the opening paragraph. I’ve managed to get it down to ten without too much effort and I’m fairly certain that it could be reduced even further with a proper rewrite.
Todd grunted, struggling to open his eyes. The couch creaked as he sat up to check the time. 11:00. He'd been sleeping for fifteen hours and couldn't understand why he still felt tired. The sound of rain against the window was calming and he settled back down on the couch.
Although not the most colourful of places, his house was still a home. It sat on a hill about a mile away from the town he’d grown up in, where he’d been educated and felt most at ease, a town he’d once loved and could never bring himself to move away from.
As Jane commented, there are a few typos and grammar issues: Layed - Thats - Remenisce - Beated, and Eric mentioned the HE instead of HE’D problem.
Yes, plenty to work on, but the important thing is that you’ve made a start.
All the best,
Steve.
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Written by Leigh (254 comments posted) 13th August 2008 | Yes, I would pretty much agree with the above. There isn't a lot to go on at present so it's hard to comment. I also picked up on the typos that have already been pointed out.
Some vague, non-plot-spoiling idea of what the story is going to be about, where it will be leading Todd, would be useful. In its current format, I have to say this opener doesn't especially grip me. | thanks everyone
Written by chufflebinger (4 comments posted) 2nd September 2008 | thanks for your reviews, they've been great help. I will be working on this again soon and take in to consideration what you have all said  |
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