This isn't really a short story - but could be the beginning of one.
Our U3A writing assignment this month is to create a hook for a story in 1000 words or less.
Some of you might recognise this as part of something else I wrote not too long ago.
It was a wonderful warm Saturday evening in June, 1966. We were exhausted, but every bit of our long day had been fun. But now it was over and time to go back to my home.
We got off the subway at Battery Park, and walked to South Ferry on Whitehall Street. I was always thrilled to have my evenings end with a ride on the Staten Island Ferry - the cheapest and best 25 minute, five mile boat trip, in the world. And the thrill of again going by the lit up Statue of Liberty, and Ellis Island, where we knew we were sharing an experience that had happened to both sets of our grandparents when they had first come to America, was very special.
We boarded the ferry, which was quite crowded for so late at night, and rather than trying to find seats, we walked around to the front deck to get the best view of New York Bay.
“Jeanie,” my sister Judy said, “I think somebody is following us.”
Judy was new to New York - her first visit - and I had lived in New York City (because although Staten Island is more like a small town it is officially part of New York City) for almost a year. I had made the trip into Manhattan perhaps 25 times in the past 11 months, quite often at night after concerts or plays. Sure, there are lots of strange looking people, and I thought she was just nervous, but I didn’t want to upset her by not taking her worries seriously.
“What do you mean?”
“That little man over there,” she whispered, pointing at a short stocky man of middle age - who was standing somewhat behind us. He was dressed in grey slacks and a flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up. He was carrying something in a bag.
“Why do you think he is following us?”
“He was in the same car on the subway. And he kept looking at us then, too. I’m scared.”
Judy is a year and a bit older than me, but strangely enough, in many aspects of life, I had proven myself to be braver than her. For instance, she's scared of flying, and I think it's a wonderful experience.
.
But I wanted to reassure her that we had nothing to fear from the man so I said, “Let’s go upstairs.”
The ferry is the quickest transport from Staten Island to Manhattan, as the alternative would be to drive through the island, across the Verrazano Narrows Bridge into Brooklyn, and then through Brooklyn across another bridge into Manhattan itself, which would take well over an hour even when the traffic was at its easiest. So the ferry, which first came into service in 1817, was a necessary link for we people on the island. The ferry vessels went across twice an hour. The advertising poster said they gave 65,000 people a ride each day, that meant that a single trip would average about 1350 travellers.
The ferry had mostly standing space, with a few benches for those who needed a seat and were lucky enough to get there early. So by walking upstairs, we were faced with a similar size area, similarly furnished, and just about as full. We walked quickly, but Judy was not happy.
“He’s following us!”
And so he was. There seemed to be no doubt at all now that this man, for whatever reason he might have, was stalking us. Perhaps it was a game for him - trying to scare young women. Perhaps he really did have sinister intentions. Would the two of us be able to overcome him if he did try to do something to us? I didn’t really have any firm idea about what this mysterious something was that he might want to do to us, but I really doubted that we would be a match for him - as he looked very strong, despite not being very tall.
He didn’t look sinister - or particularly frightening in himself. It was his persisting in being where we were that was worrying me now too.
“Let’s go over and stand by that policeman,” I said. So we moved close to a policeman, but we didn’t feel that we had any right telling him that the man was bothering us. So far all he had done was to go where we were. Surely there was no law against that.
But as the trip across the bay was now getting close to the terminus - St George’s Ferry Terminal on Richmond Terrace, I thought that it would be best if we had a plan for when we were not situated quite so conveniently close to a policeman.
“Let’s get back downstairs and get as close to the exit as possible,” I said. “Then when we get off the boat, we can run as fast as we can for the bus lanes. We surely will lose him then.”
We rushed back downstairs and pushed as close as we could to the front of the line of people waiting to disembark. But guess who was right behind us!
The ferry got slower and slower, and finally it bumped its way into its proper position. Then the end piece raised and the crowd pushed its way forward and out of the boat.
As soon as we touched dry land, I pulled Judy with me, and we ran as fast as we have ever run before, through the terminal building, and down the hall at the end which led to the alleys where the dozens of busses awaited the ferry clients to take them to various parts of the island.
He started running too. I looked over my shoulder and he was maybe 100 yards behind, but running hard.
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Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3590 comments posted) 10th August 2008 |
I thought this got better as it went on, jean. By the end I was hooked but I thought the beginning lacked tension. Some of the things distracted from the hook of the story; for instance the paragraph beginning "The ferry is the quickest transport from Staten Island to Manhattan," puts the actual hook on hold while you tell us this. It is interesting information and is necessary exposition but it could come in later as it adds nothing to purpose of the exercise- the hook. You set the story up quickly and introduced the hook element with “I think somebody is following us.” It was all done in 3 paragraphs and was excellent .Then I felt you allowed the tension to slip and it wasn't till the last 5 paragraphs that I felt the urgency of the situation. Hooks need to create curiosity and then concern quickly to make us feel the jeopardy. It wasn't till they got off the boat that they were in any danger. Just a reaction. I'd be interested to read the whole story jane |
Written by Phil (7001 comments posted) 11th August 2008 |
I remember this as an extract from something else - although I think you've changed some parts to suit the exercise? I'm a sucker for any story that involves travel anywhere I haven't been. Perhaps the tension was a little on and off, but I still enjoyed the read. Phil |
Thanks Jane and Phil Written by jean.day (2387 comments posted) 12th August 2008 |
| I'm sure you are right, Jane, and I will cut out those bits of unnecessary information that I added. I was researching Staten Island just to make sure of my facts, and found out all sorts of stuff I hadn't known before, so felt incumbant about me to put it all in. Apparently it is now a completely free ride. It was a nickle when I lived there. |
Written by Leigh (254 comments posted) 12th August 2008 |
Some really good stuff here Jean, but I would have to agree with Jane that you get too bogged down with factual details too early on. I think a simple reordering of a few paragraphs would do the trick. For me it would work much better if you open with Judy's concern about the strange man following the girls, as this is genuinely dramatic. You can then pad it out with detail about where they are, what time of year it is, etc. Your current first para doesn't grab me, I'm afraid. It sounds a bit too 'day in the life' at the moment. That said, the piece is very well written and I love the New York setting! |
Thanks Leigh Written by jean.day (2387 comments posted) 14th August 2008 |
| I went to a University Creative writing course, and one of the first comments made about my work - where I was trying to get into drama straight away - was that it is much more efective to show people happy first, and then have the tension come in. So that is why I think the person who is writing the piece, has to set the scene as a content and happy one from her point of view - until her sister introduces the drama. |
Written by coosh (923 comments posted) 14th August 2008 |
| Would agree largely with the above comments, Jean. Your passion for history frequently shines through and makes interesting reading, but did, at one or two odd moments here detract a little from the suspense. By the end you had certainly created a hook - to be continued, I hope? |
Thanks Coosh Written by jean.day (2387 comments posted) 14th August 2008 |
| The original version that this came from was called Trip to New York, in the Nonfiction section. I doubt if I will write this up as a proper short story but thanks for saying that I had accomplished what I set out to do. |
Written by bluecity (432 comments posted) 17th August 2008 |
Certainly a hook and certainly very frightening! Agree with other readers, though, that the beginning was a little slow. Even though I found it interesting, having visited New York and having been to Battery Park and Ellis Island, I don't think we needed more than a few details. After all, NY is very familiar to a lot of people, through films and television. Also, when she was working out that the ferry was the quickest route from Staten Island to Manhattan, I think you could've souped it up a bit, perhaps, with some ellipses, to show her working through her thoughts. I also query the word "policeman". It's a very British word - hello three times and a bend of the knees - and I think the Americans would say "cop" or "police officer". But, yes, I enjoyed the read. Do we get a chapter 2, by the way? Rosemary
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Thanks Rosemary Written by jean.day (2387 comments posted) 18th August 2008 |
| Our CW meeting is in about 5 minutes. I left off the middle bit of explaining but kept the first couple of paragraphs. We will see how it goes down. |
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