T

Tart 

A deliciously moreish English pudding (see ‘Pudding’), generally available over-the-counter at supermarket checkouts.

Note: If you can’t find one, you can always ask!

Testicles 

Relatively unimportant, short exams, usually involving mindless reproduction, taken at school.
 
Note: If an English schoolboy of your acquaintance has these coming up, wish him luck with them and tell him not to worry, as there are more important things in life. He may disagree vehemently with you here, but that’s English schoolboys for you!

Additional Note: This term can sometimes also refer to the rounder aspects of male genitalia, which reminds the author of the time he was with his father in the bathroom, prior to going on a family swimming expedition.

His father was adjusting his rather narrowly-gusseted trunks, when his left-hand testicle fell out at the side. He popped it back in again, whereupon his right-hand one fell out at the other side….. He popped this one back in again, with entirely predictable consequences. The procedure was repeated ad nauseam until the author’s father gave up.

The author was only five at the time and so had a spectacular child’s-eye view of the above proceedings. They both got the helpless giggles and the family bond was duly strengthened.

A fond memory!

Testosterone 

A drug taken to enhance performance in Testicles.

Note: It’s off-prescription in England, so you can ask for some over-the-counter at your nearest chemist’s. If he hasn’t got any, advise him to see a doctor.

Therapist  

A therapist is a so-called professional who encourages the English to have more sex than they want, not to be confused with ‘the rapist’, who forces them to do so.

Toilet 

This is an international entry, but the English are very strange about it indeed. Some regard it as a vulgar word, and will go to great lengths to avoid using it, employing such terms, to name but a few, as ‘the lavatory’, ‘the loo’, ‘the bog’, ‘the ré’ (from the Spanish ‘rétrété’) and, much to the author’s delight, ‘the John’.

Others are afficionados of the word, and regard all the alternatives listed above as equally vulgar.

Note: If , having read this, you’re not sure which term to use, just say nothing (in keeping with The Anal Tradition again), but wince meaningfully and look down – your English companions will eventually get the message and direct you to their nearest convenience.

Totty 

Traditional English pick-me-up – an alcoholic, sugary drink, imbibed on cold winters’ evenings, so usually served hot.

Note: If you feel in the least bit chilly during your sojourn in England, ask,

"Could you possibly bring me some hot totty?"

Your hosts may mutter something about it being a tall order, but you can simply reply,

"I’m sorry – short and sweet is fine."

Additional Note: The term is occasionally used to denote ‘young, not unattractive, ladies’, which reminds the author of a song he composed on holiday while writing the first draft of this book. It should be sung at Sherry Orgies, and goes like this, to the tune of Joni Mitchell’s Both Sides Now from the album Clouds. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the tune, it can be recited solemnly as poetry instead.
 
With a title inspired by the sound of Ken Dodd and his Diddy Men…

The Holiday Topless Totty Song

 "I hit the beach without a care
 Saw topless totty everywhere – 
 I even glimpsed some pubic hair –
 I tried to look away…

 I’ve looked at girls from both sides now
 From up and down
 And still somehow
 It’s topless totty I recall…
 I can’t control myself … at all.

 So now old friends are acting strange
 They shake their heads – I haven’t changed!
 But nothing’s lost, and something’s gained
 From looking every day.

 I’ve looked at girls from both sides now
 From up and down
 And still somehow
 It’s love’s illusions I recall…
 I really don’t know girls … at all.

 And now there’s nothing left to say
 Except “I wish they’d go away!”
 Some are straight, and some are gay –
 I don’t know which to choose.

 I’ve looked at girls from both sides now
 From up and down
 And still somehow
 It’s topless totty I recall…
 I haven’t got a life … at all."

Tra-la!

Whether you sing (or recite) all of the above is up to you, and much depends on the degree of enthusiasm shown by the assembled company, but if they are now weeping with emotion, you can lighten the tone of the Orgy in the following way:

Pose a ‘lateral thinking puzzle’ – how many occurrences of rude words (they can be repeated) can you get into one verse of The Holiday Topless Totty Song, after an entirely innocent first line and some more sherry?

You will probably get suggestions like ‘Twelve!’ or even ‘Thirteen!’ (There are five such occurrences in the version above – ‘topless’ x 2, ‘totty’ x 2 and ‘pubic’ x 1). The person who gets closest to the correct answer, which happens to be twenty-five, as you will shortly see, wins an additional glass of sherry. If there is a tie, or people are angry and call it a con, open another bottle of sherry anyway!

See below for how this is achieved.

The Even Ruder Holiday Topless Totty Song

 Dum di dum di da di dum
 Di dildo da di dildo bum -
 Di da dildo di dildo come -
 Di come di bum dildo . . .

 Di dildo come di bum dildo
 Di dildo bum di come dildo
 Di bum dildo di dildo come . . .
 Di dildo come dildo . . . dildo!

Note: This version may also come in handy if you can’t remember the original words.

Now then (another oxymoron – see ‘Come’ concerning an ‘English Orgasm’), where were we? Ah yes, the letter ‘T’! Let’s get back to business . . .

Tradition (See ‘Anal’ and ‘Oral’ entries.)


Transports of Delight 

London Taxis (see ‘Zone – The Erogenous’).

Note: After a cab-driven sightseeing tour, you can report to your friends,

"I’ve been in Transports of Delight all day!"

They will, I'm sure, be pleased for you!

 

Twat 

An au pair girl who goes to English language classes on Tuesdays, Wednesdays And Thursdays (see ‘Midwife’).

If the family you are staying with have an au pair, and you want to establish more about her daily movements during the week, you should ask her politely,

"Are you a midwife or a twat?"

You may not get the information you’re seeking, but her English may not be as good as yours.

Note: If the family you are staying with do not have an au pair, but are considering the possibility of getting one, you could do worse than recite the following poem by William Butler Yeats in order to encourage them. Make sure both husband and wife are present.

This is the first draft of his famous early poem The Song of Wandering Aengus before his editor disapproved, and demanded that William write a sillier version, with which we are now familiar.

Oh, to have an Au Pair!

Oh, to have a ripe au pair,
With cherry blossom in her hair
Who calls you to her room one night
Revealing all for your delight.
Oh, if there’s one in your employ,
What unadulterated joy!

And if a fire is in your head,
Be sure to hasten her to bed
And when white moths are on the wing
And moth-like stars are flickering out
Pluck, when all her housework’s done,
The silver apples of the Moon,
Her golden nipples in the Sun.

Note: This final jolly activity will have to wait until the following morning, sometime after dawn.

U

Undergraduate 

Someone who has been rogered by someone else holding a university degree.

Unisex 

Naughtiness at an English College of Higher Education.

Note: You would do well to attempt to enter one of these institutions, especially if you’re looking for naughty jolliness.
 
Perhaps ‘Lower Education’ would be more apt?

V

Venereal Disease 

Illness that afflicts respectable English folk in old age – consider ‘venerate’ and ‘venerable’.

Note: The more historically-minded amongst you may have heard of ‘The Venereal Bede’, a syphilitic English monk who goes back a while, but is still at the forefront of religious thinking among Sherry Orgy goers.

Vice 

Any inclination towards activity which leads to missing Afternoon Tea on a regular basis.

Note: The English are so sensitive about this that the word is taboo – they have ‘deputies’ rather than ‘vices’, hence ‘the Deputy Prime Minister’, who is really ‘the Vice President’ of England.


Virgin  

An English rose before she has become an Undergraduate (see above entry).
 
Note: One who assumes an ‘on top’ position with an English gentleman is described as ‘Virgin on the Ridiculous’. Be sure to remember this.
 
Vulva 

Originally, irregular plural form of ‘Volvo’ – now applies to any make of reliable, if not particularly racy, make of car.

Note: English women are very proud of their cars, so if your host family mother has more than one, it will go down well to give them the once over and say,

"I just can’t help but admire your Vulva!"

She’ll be more than flattered.

W

Wank 

The curious English cultural custom of keeping one eye closed while masturbating.

Note: Be sure to follow this tradition when in mixed company, preferably after a nice cup of tea.

Wet Dream 

This phenomenon explains an Englishman’s uncanny ability to accurately predict the weather.

When, over breakfast, he says something anal like, 

"Gosh! Looks like rain again today!",
 
you can be certain he’s had a wet dream.

Note: Be sure to compliment him on this.

Wind  (See ‘Break’)

 A common feature of the English weather, often with romantic connotations. If so inclined at a Sherry Orgy, you can break into song with some lines from a song, originally by Bob Dylan, Blowing in the Wind. 

‘And when the wind is blowing
 From behind…
 It blows my mind.’


Note: This cover version is attributable to the Two Ronnies, Messrs Barker and Corbett.
 
Wurtles 

A formal word for men’s underpants.

English gentlemen who have a social conscience (a rare species) are wont to wear their wurtles in the bath, through not wishing to be thought of as looking down on the unemployed.

Note: If yours get lost in the wash, you can politely enquire, 

"Has anybody seen my wurtles?"

 Your hosts may look bemused, but that’s because the English so rarely lose theirs. 

X

A mark of respect appended to a formal letter.

Note: If you wish to make a complaint, apply for a job in England or write to your bank manager, be sure to add plenty of these after your name. Smiley faces also help here.

 

Y

Because – that’s all !

Z

Zone (The Erogenous) 

Red-light district of London. Any licensed cabby will be able to find it and take you there in Transports of Delight (see separate entry).

Zzzzzzzzz 

The author has dozed off, exhausted from laughing at his own, and traditional, jokes and weeping into his cups over his own, and others’, poetry and songs.

It’s probably time for you also, Gentle Reader, to rest and take stock before launching yourself into English society at breakfast tomorrow morning.

At least I have succeeded in one thing – I have managed to omit the two most buttock-clenching four-letter words in the language, though I will not say that I was not sorely tempted. You can ask your hosts about those yourself.

But then, I suppose, ‘Life’, ‘Love’ and ‘John’ also fall into that category.
 
Then again, as you say on the Continent,

"Life is but a mere bagatelle!"

Oh Gosh! Is that the time? Must dash – I’m late for Afternoon Tea!

From the very heart of my bottom, I wish you well for the rest of your stay.

Up yours! Tootle Pip…

John Thomas  August 2008

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 

Bibliography and References

Works which are quoted, or misquoted briefly or at length, are:

 

Author / Artist  Work    Publisher

Bob Dylan  Song: Blowing in the Wind
  Album    ??????

Gerard Hoffnung Speech: Oxford Union Address
  Collection: A Last Encore BBC Radio Collection

HM The Queen The ‘Annus Horribilis’
  Speech at The Guildhall N/A 1992

Ivor Cutler  Song: Everybody Got  
  Album: Jammy Smears Virgin Records 1976

Joni Mitchell  Song: Both Sides Now    
  Album: Clouds  Reprise/Wea 1969

Kenneth Walker The Log of the Ark  Puffin Books

Lennon & McCartney Song: I wanna hold your hand
  Album: ??????   Decca Records Ltd ????

Ronnie Barker and Song: Blowing in the Wind
Ronnie Corbett  Show: The Two Ronnies BBC Television

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle Sherlock Holmes  Penguin Popular Classics

Tasmin Archer  Song: Sleeping Satellite EMI Records1992

William Butler Yeats The Song of Wandering Aengus  ?????????

John Betjeman?        I sometimes think that I
W.H.Auden?            should like to be the saddle
Louis MacNiece?      of a bike   

Faber Book of Blue Verse
Anon?

Other works referred to in passing, but not quoted:

A.A.Milne  Winnie the Pooh  Methuen

Anon.:  Humpty Dumpty  ????????

Anton Chekhov The Cherry Orchard  Chatto and Windus

Edward Lear  The Complete Verse 
And Other Nonsense  Penguin Classics

Ian Fleming  James Bond Series   Various e.g. Jonathan Cape, Pan Books, Titan Books

Jane Austen  ???????   ???????

Jerome K. Jerome Three Men in a Boat: To Say Nothing of the Dog Penguin Popular Classics

J.K. Rowling  Harry Potter Series  Bloomsbury Publishing
                                                                                               
Kahlil Gibran  The Prophet   William Heinemann 1980
      ONEWORLD    1998

Ken Dodd  The Diddy Men  BBC Television

Oscar Wilde  The Importance of
  being Earnest   Penguin Popular Classics

Richard Ashcroft Song: Break the Night with Colour
  Album: Keys to the World EMI International 2006

Sir Patrick Moore The Sky at Night  BBC Television

Virgil  The Aeneid   Penguin Classics Series

William Shakespeare King Lear   Various

Commercial products referred to are:

 

Aer Lingus – majority owned by The Irish Government

Bristol Cream Sherry – manufactured by Harveys

Jiffy Bags – manufactured by ?????

Jolen Creme Bleach – manufactured by Jolen

Lil-Lets – manufactured by Accantia Health and Beauty Ltd

Mayonnaise – manufactured mostly by Hellmann’s

Volvo cars – owned by The Ford Motor Company since 1999