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Teardrops in the Rain
By kkforever123
10 August 2008

Well, I just joined obviously but I had this piece I put on another site also, it was actually pretty popular but I decided to post it here just to see what a different audience thinks of it. This is my first poem on this site so please message or something just so I have an idea? Thanks, and I hope you like it Smile


She cries in the rain so no one will see

Because thats the only place she can be all she wants to be

Then when she cries no one can tell

Because sometimes she can be as brakeable as a shell

But she wont let anyone else know

So she lives her life just like a show

She gives out fake smiles and pretends what she's not

All this time she's been faking but she never got caught

She plays out her fake words just like a song

but she knows that this song will not last very long

She is a very smart girl with lots of talent

But with all this talent comes something more

And just thinking about it makes her heart sore

So now she gives very little

Because people expect too much

But she only has one dream, yet soon it will be crushed

When no one looks she goes outside

But all she does is sit and cry

She may seem perfect to everyone else

But inside she's no different then you or I

The rain and her tears just become one

And the song that is her life will soon be sung

She watches herself as the tears hit the ground

They fall slowly without making a sound

This is a story of this poor little girl

She lives her life without a hope in the world

Reviews
A sad piece!
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 9th August 2008
This reads as a sad piece about you. Is it? 
 
I see you start off with paired rhymes - aa, bb, cc, dd etc, but then your rhyme scheme breaks down. Intentional? 
 
A few typos to attend to e.g. - 'brakeable' = 'breakable', 
'wont' = 'won't' etc. 
 
Your meaning comes across well, but the rhythm is irregular and could do with some smoothing. 
 
Only my opinion - welcome to the site, hope this helps? 
 
Overall, a heartfelt piece! 
 
Cheers! 
 
John 
 

Written by kkforever123 (6 comments posted) 9th August 2008
Thanks for the comment, I kinda just made this one up as I went, so I didnt have an exact rhythm or anything, and it doesnt really have much to do with me either lol. But thank you so much, your comment helped alot :)

Written by mr_soul (126 comments posted) 10th August 2008
Welcome to the site. Interesting you make things up as you go along, very often thats the way I write, certainly thats the way I only ever did it. Thanks to advice from people on this site I've tried to improve my work, I think you will find you'll learn lots from people on this site too. 
I like this poem. Very raw yet as John said, very heartfelt. You can feel a close connection to the girl, you can feel the deep sadness and helplessness. Sometimes people aren't what they appear to be. 
Very sad poem, I particularly liked the first line and hence the title, you've got a good idea going there. I agree with John, this could be improved by smoothing it out a bit, at the moment it doesn't flow as well as it could do. But that doesn't detract so much from the meaning which this poem sends out. 
So well done and welcome!

Written by Josie (2847 comments posted) 10th August 2008
As above, but I would also like to see your poem broken up into definable verses with punctuation marking the sentences to make it easier on the eye and easier to read. Welcome to GW

Written by rilLie (329 comments posted) 10th August 2008
Hey and welcome to GW. :) 
 
Must say, the title caught my eye because I have a poem of my own with the same title. Cool, eh? :D Haha. It's an old one, one of my first. :) 
 
I agree with Josie and Mr Soul. I think that definable verses would definitely make this better. But I like how it's heartfelt and I could feel the connection with the voice of the poem. :D Well done.
Thanks!
Written by kkforever123 (6 comments posted) 11th August 2008
Everyone has helped so much, and sorry about the spelling errors lol. But thank you I tried making my poems in verses and I put it on another site, so far it seems like people like it, and if all goes well I'll post it here too. Thanks so much for all everyone's help ! 
:) 

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