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Science Fiction and Fantasy
I Go to A School for Immortals (Intro)
By JaCoolie18
10 August 2008
About a girl named Rayne Bolivantic. She's badass.The adopted daughter of the top rulers of the immortal world. Natalie and Marques Bolivantic, whom are vampires.

Rayne thinks she's human after she doesn't ascend. She starts off thinking she's nothing, but she's far from it. She has a lycan boyfriend, but there's a cute annoying vamp that wants her attention. She's the only human in a immortal school...in the history of ever and her adoptive parents happen to rule most of the immortal world. Her real parents are a very important mystery.

She's forced to attend Bolivantic Academy and has to take multiple immortal classes even though she has no clue what she is.

Ok so today, well technically tomorrow (in 6 minutes) is my 17th birthday. My sister Loraine is already collecting money from the pool that's going on concerning my immortality. The majority of the 300 + are going for vamp, next is witch, then is lycan. My Uncle Matt threw human in there as a horrid gag bet. Personally I pray I don't come out a noob, which I'm expecting. I mean my birthday is the first of its kind. Every teen knows what kind of immortal they are going to become before they ascend. (Special in a witch's case, yes you come out born of Wiccan blood, but you can be classified as a noob, trainee, wizard, or witch. Witch being the highest ranking. These titles define your skill.) If you have vamp parents you're a vamp, lycan parent = lycan child, and so the story goes. By the way, there is never a mix of breeds, which only results in the immediate death of the baby.

Well unfortunately I don't get the comfort of knowing anything.

You see my parent's ditched me in the back of an immortal club owned by my current parents (Natalie and Marques Bolivantic). They practically own every immortal establishment...in most of the world. Well they found me, 2 months old equipped with a birth certificate and blanket. They took me in, raised me as their own, and put me into Bolivantic Academy. Mom (Natalie) had Loraine 2 months after they found me. She's a little ticked that I'm treated as if I were her real sister. I mean mom and dad even call me their first born...well anyways back to my b-day.

"Happy Birthday dear Rayne, happy birthday to you!" everyone chanted.

It was 3 minutes until October 18th 2017. I could barely contain myself. Lance, my lycan boyfriend, was squeezing my shoulder so tightly I was close to tears. Deep down I knew he wanted me to be lycan, even though he said he'd be fine with whatever I became. I mean if I wasn't a lycan that meant no kids, not that I'm considering kids ANY time soon, but society is a little tougher on immortals of different kinds getting involved...I mean they know they can't have kids, just let them be.

Well back to me...I could see mom with her fingers crossed. She wanted for me to be a vamp so badly. She really didn't want to break the line we had going here. Dad was in the back probably talking to a potential client or something...I'm not sure what my parents do...they just do what "rulers" do I guess.

"10, 9, 8," they all started counting down to 12 am. "7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, ONE..." (HAPPY NEW YEAR...I thought.) Something should've been happening by now...anything! Oh my dear son of Lucifer maybe I was worse than a noob...everyone stared at me, waiting for something. I took a deep breath and they all held theirs...then suddenly it must've dawned on them as their looks of anticipation turned to horror...

Looks like my Uncle Matt will be taking home over 8 grand.

I was human...

Reviews

Written by stevetroster (1601 comments posted) 10th August 2008
Ja, firstly, your punctuation is all over the place. Secondly, 'I mean', I seemed to come across 'I mean' quite a lot in your story. Now I realise this is a 'teen' character, but, I mean, can't she say anything else? 
Yeah but, no but, wha'ever, am I bovvered? No, not really. If I were you, I'd get this sortid before posting any more. 
 
Sorry, 
Steve.  
Hi
Written by Aurora (67 comments posted) 27th August 2008
Hey , 
 
I've read a lot and I mean a lot of teen vampire stories in my time and I really like the idea of this story. Yes, there are grammar problems but they can be sorted out. I've still got lots of problems with my mine but I really hope that the technical side of writing will not stop your creative side being explored.  
 
I would like to recommend you read the works of L.J Smith whose series 'Nightworld' will, I think be just your thing, also it can show you how to keep the light speech tone of teen fiction while still being written like a novel.  
 
One of the best things I had when I began writing teen fiction was to share it with my friends and get them to write their comments on the back pages. You may get some great ideas for where the story can go and which characters are liked best. 
 
I feel from what I have read so far I have learned a lot about the world your character lives, though perhaps you could space this information out a little more over the first few chapters?  
 
Also is a 'noob' a human, or a witch? and why is she expecting that? felt a little confused on this point. 
 
Anyway I hope you will keep writing! Check out my new novel 'The Imeline Star' in fantasy if you get the chance, I would value your comments. :)  
 
 
Aurora

Written by Bookiegirl (15 comments posted) 14th September 2008
cool, liked the plot, different to all other starts of stories. 
sorry thats a bit short, not a great reviewer myself! 
 
steff 8)
I loved it!
Written by prodigy (23 comments posted) 22nd October 2008
I loved your story and especially how well you portrayed a teen in such a short introduction. 
I loved the suspense though the end could have had a little more of the others' reactions! 
and Aurora, a 'noob' is a term generally used in the video game universe for stupid, amateur, etc. It could be human.

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