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Poetry


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The Dark

By suzi

10 August 2008

Ive always had a fear of the dark, its not whats out there but what my imagination can create left alone in the darkness for too long.

The Dark

The dark is a place where goblins hide
And eyes watch everywhere.
Where icy hands reach out for you
And try to pull your hair.
And when its cold and quiet,
And the moon is full and bold
The voice run around inside your head,
Of last nights stories told.

The covers are a hiding place
To keep you safe and calm
And stop the monsters in your head
From doing any harm
And when the sun is rising
And the Shadows drift away
You wonder why the monsters
Dont like the sight of day.

Reviews

Written by Veronica_Milvus (768 comments posted) 10th August 2008

A nice poem for the kids, the metre is pretty good and the feelings well expressed.

"last night's stories" needs an apostrophe, and so does "when it's cold and quiet".

I like this!
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 10th August 2008

Very much in fact!

Quibbles: The first four lines are perfect in terms of 'ballad' rhythmic beat - 4, 3, 4, 3 . . .

But lines 5, 13 and 15 could benefit from 4 beats rather than 3, in order to keep the pattern consistent, if you get my drift? Try reciting it aloud - it often helps me to find inconsistencies in my own stuff.

Also, check your apostrophes - 'I've', It's' 'what's' etc

Line 7: 'The voice run . . .' Do you mean it passively, in which case fine, but reads a little oddly . . .

Maybe, 'The voices run . . .' or 'The voice runs . . .' would read better?

I really like this anyway - these are only small suggestions, Please don't be put off!

John X

Written by Josie (2847 comments posted) 11th August 2008

Suzi - I really liked this little poem and I think the children would love it too. Why not try some writing on the children's side? You have a natural gift.

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