Sitting here I can barely breath. I'm not scared, though. I'm really just reminiscent. So much has happened in my life, so many ups, so many downs, so many in betweens and it's strange to sit here and think about them. It's strange to sit here and think about anything, really, because I know that it may be one of the last things I will ever think about. That is kind of scary. I guess, lasts are always scary, much like firsts. But I think firsts are less scary than lasts. Firsts are opportunities, opening doors. Lasts are the very opposite of that. So maybe I'm a little scared.

I'm kind of dizzy, and that does scare me. I know what's going to happen the next time I get really dizzy, or really tired. I know what it's going to result in and maybe I'm not entirely prepared for that. I hope I am, though. I think I've done what I can to be prepared. I really don't know what to do right now. I feel like I've already done everything that I wanted to do, not everything I ever wanted to do but everything that I could in this past couple of weeks. I've done all I could do. It's been a happy couple of weeks, too. Not completely happy, but happy enough.

It's hard to belive that this is probably the last time I'll ever sit in my living room. I don't believe it. No matter how many doctors tell me, no matter how many x-rays I see, no matter how many second opinions I get it's still hard to believe. I guess anyone would take it like that, though. Maybe I'm in denial. Death just seems so far away to me. I feel like I'm invincible. We all feel like that most of the time, I think. So to have someone tell me that I'm not and that I'm going to die, well that just seems very far away even if I know it's not. I think everythings always very far away until it actually happens, and then it's over with and it's far away again.

I'm not even sure who I'm writing this for, or if I'm writing this for anyone, or if I should even be doing this. I just know that at this very moment I want to write something, just anything. So that's what I'm doing. If I've learned anything over the past couple of weeks it's been that when you want to do something you should just do it. The entire human race is a bunch of procrastinators if you ask me. We put things off and before you know it you're dead and you've lost your chance. So why put it off? Just do what you like. At least, that's what I think.

I get off of track so easily, I ramble too much. Anyways, what I was saying is that I don't know who I'm writing this for or even who will read it. Well if you're reading this right now, whoever you are, just know that I'm okay. I'm really okay. I feel like everything is going to be fine. And I'm not scared, and I'm not lonely, and I don't regret anything. That's important too, not regreting things. Regrets are useless, and I regret nothing in my life. Not saying that I've never done anything stupid, but everything stupid I've done has been an experience, a life experience and even if it was really really stupid I got something out of it. Because that's what life is; experiences. The good ones, the bad ones, the stupid ones, the lonely ones. Any experience is a good one in the end. I'd rather experience everything, than nothing. Even if it's bad things. I guess it's kind of like that saying that one that goes "It's better to have loved and loss than never to have loved at all." It's kind of like that. At least if you've done something, anything, at least you did it. Who cares what it was? Just do stuff, you know. People waste so much time not doing anything, being afraid to do stuff, being worried about doing stuff. It's a waste and you'll realize that someday when you realize that you don't have any time left to waste

There I go again talking about something that has nothing to do with anything. But I kind of feel like these are my last words, you know. So I want to get across how I feel about stuff. Maybe I didn't do that enough in my life, maybe I kept my mouth shut a little too much. It's good to keep quiet and listen every now and then but if all you do is listen then you're really missing out. I don't know if I missed out or not. Maybe this makes up for it. Maybe it doesn't.

I wonder what the last thing I'll ever think about will be. I wonder if it'll be something deep and interesting, or something simple and obscure. I hope it's something good, though. No matter how dumb it may be, as long as it's good that's all that matters. Sometimes it's nice to be mundane and simple, and think about simple little things as long as their nice and they make you feel nice. Life's far too short to think about things that don't make you feel nice.

Memories are so cool, all of them are. I have so many amazing memories. You know when I first found out about this cancer thing I thought that maybe I should sit down and write all of my good memories just to leave something to someone. Then I thought that I shouldn't because they're my good memories, and they're really only mine to enjoy. Not trying to sound greedy or anything, but everyone has their good memories and they should be for them and no one else. So I'm keeping those just for me.

I'm sorry, whoever's reading this, that everything I'm saying is so messy but I was never much of a writer. I've always had a tough time organizing my thoughts and stuff. And my vocabulary was never anything out of the ordinary. And I bet I'm repeating myself a lot but I don't feel like going back and reading this and changing everything. I don't have the time for that. I don't have much time for anything, really.

My head is kind of spinning. I still feel really dizzy. I'm really sleepy, too. I'm supposed to expect this, though. That's what the doctors told me. They said that when I finally do die it'll just be like going to sleep. They said that they couldn't give me an exact date or anything, but they said that the sleepiness and the dizziness would just get more and more severe until one night I'll go to sleep and I wont wake up.

I'm not going to wake up tomorrow morning.

I know it's strange that I know that, but I do. I can feel it. My body is tired, my mind is tired, and I'm really tired. I'm happy, though. I want you, whoever is reading this for whatever reason, to know that I'm really happy. I think it's rare that people say that and actually mean it. I mean it. I'm very happy, I'm very content. If you're reading this you're probably one of my friends or something, because I don't have any brothers or sisters and my mom and dad died a few years ago. I want you to know something, if you're a friend of mine, I want you to know the reason why I didn't tell you about the cancer. I didn't want you to be afraid for me. I didn't want you to be sad or lonely for me. I had to be afraid, and sad, and lonely for myself. And I was, and now I'm not. I'm really okay right now. So don't feel bad for me. I've done what I need to do and I'm okay. I'm really okay.

You know it took me a while to decide where I'd like to spend my last night. That's a tough decisions. All lasts are tough decisions, I think. I decided to spend it on the roof of my building. It's a really clear night tonight. The moon is high, but it doesn't illuminate the sky too much because I can still see the stars really clearly. So I'm going to go up on the roof of my building and lie under the stars and listen to this song I like, this song called "The Tourist". It's a Radio Head song and if you ever get to listen to it then you should because I really like it. I'm going to lie there underneath the sky and just let the stars and the song just soak into my body. I have this strange obsession with the sky. The night sky, especially. It's just so beautiful. It's this huge mystery above us, you know. And I think we take it for granted, we take the stars for granted a lot. They're there every single night but how often do you really look at them. You don't. And I don't. So tonight I'm going to lie down and really look at the stars because I think they deserve to be really looked at at least once more before I'm dead.

So I'm going to go now. I'm worn out. I feel too tired to write anything else, and I don't know anything else to write, or if anyone will read this, or if anyone wants to read this. It doesn't matter, though. Writing it was good enough for me because now I feel like at least if there was any question as to whether or not I died peacefully you'll know, whoever you are, that I did. So I'm gone, off to the roof of my building to appreciate the stars and this song one last time. Do me a favor, okay. Whoever you are, please appreciate stuff. No matter what it is, just appreciate something and make sure you appreciate it whenever you can because you don't know when you'll ever lose the chance to do that.

Thanks for reading this, for caring enough to read this. And thanks for taking some time out of your life for me, that's cool of you.

Good bye.