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Poetry
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The Broken Vow
By suzi
10 August 2008
The Broken Vow

The waves crash silently against the bow,
Of the proud old ship called the broken vow.
And on her deck forever stand,
Her loyal crew known as ghosts to the land.
She battles the waves in the dead of the night,
And her stories are told by the safe fire light.
Yet no man can say what happend that day,
When her once live crew never returned to the bay.
And so she travels the timeless seas,
Forever looking for her port to put her crew at ease.

Reviews
suzi
Written by Brett (1001 comments posted) 10th August 2008
my opinion (humble though it may be) is that if a poem is to rhyme in couplets as yours does it is certainly better to work to a metre - most of this poem does (its rhythm similar to a ballad) ; lines 8 & 10 I have read with the same stresses, but it is a bit of a stretch - perhaps that's just me - I'm no poet! 
I hope other reviewers prove me wrong. 
Cheers

Written by suzi (4 comments posted) 10th August 2008
i do agree the last two lines need work but the ideas there...back to the scribbling board :)

Written by Josie (2849 comments posted) 10th August 2008
Mostly you have four iambic feet to the line but line 8 needs changing: 
 
When her once live crew never returned to the bay. 
 
Her ONCE live CREW disAPPEARed from VIEW 
 
You can see the four of them here, unless I am wrong.  
 
Then: 
 
Forever looking for her port to put her crew at ease.  
 
This is quite a way out I'm afraid.  
 
Maybe this is better: 
 
In a SEARCH to PUT her CREW at EASE. 
 
Four stressed beats. Others may think differently, but that is the best I can offer. Hope it helps. You can see the stresses because I've capitalised them and you can clap to them. Four. 
 
 
 
I agree . . .
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 10th August 2008
. . . with Brett and Josie. 
 
Please don't get me wrong - I really like this. A very atmospheric, rather dark and mysterious piece - the 'Marie Celeste' springs to mind. 
 
But yes, lines 8 & 10 have too many syllables to swallow comfortably into your previously well-establiched four-beats-per-line metre. 
 
Remember, it's not the actual syllable-count that matters in this form, but how the 'beats' fall comforably. 
 
I won't suggest alternative phrasing ( it's YOUR poem, after all!), but a tiny bit of 'reductive tweaking' will sort this out! 
 
Cheers! 
 
John X

Written by Veronica_Milvus (768 comments posted) 10th August 2008
Is the name of the ship the "Broken Vow"? If so I would put it in inverted commas and capitalise. Great name for a mysterious ship!

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