|
Written by Brett (1001 comments posted) 10th August 2008 |
I do like the assonance; 'wishes' 'kisses.'
Initially I was not sure about that repeated line in such a short poem, but upon rereading I think it reads very well. I enjoyed this, and can also sympathise with its content.
Cheers |
Written by Josie (2847 comments posted) 10th August 2008 |
Hi Suzi: You don't need the word "deep" in here. It spoils the metre. Also, line 3: But TIME's no FRIEND and SOON they END (you can see the four beats clearly done like this). You need to change the last verse so that you don't have two rhyming words the same. Why not:
But time's no friend and soon they end -
Long gone before the light.
??? Does this help? I hope so.
Well done. You're doing fine. |
Suzi!
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 10th August 2008 |
Hello Suzi!
For once I disagree with Josie! (No offence, J.)
For me 'deep' does not spoil the metre in any way.
The contraction or lack of it in 'But time's no friend . . . ' or 'But time is no friend . . . ' doesn't make any difference.
The repeated line, for me, makes this short poem really good - I'm with Brett on this.
What you've got here is almost an 'aubade', a common theme of time passing when lovers want to hold onto a moment for eternity.
For a great example, do see Brett's 'Your naked back' posted 5 August.
Cheers!
John X More please! |
Keep 'Deep'
Written by Brett (1001 comments posted) 10th August 2008 |
This does not spoil the metre at all - 'DEEP in the HEART of the NIGHT' - perfect. Who would emphasise 'In' at the beginning of that sentence if 'Deep' was omitted? That would leave the line anapaestic and therefore only having two beats (sorry for getting technical - but it is in defense of your poetry).
Cheers |
Also
Written by Brett (1001 comments posted) 10th August 2008 |
Nothing wrong with the other lines or the repetition of 'night', the beat is clear to anyone who regularly reads poetry - it has a natural flow (not iambic, but some of us won't crucify you for that!). Don't change a word of this poem, suzi, for that would be a crucifiable offence!
Cheers |
Written by Veronica_Milvus (768 comments posted) 10th August 2008 |
Leave the "deep" - the metre is fine! Not sure what Josie means.
If you can read it aloud without stumbling over it, the metre is usually ok, and this works fine with this poem. |
Written by Veronica_Milvus (768 comments posted) 10th August 2008 |
I think the first and third lines are iambs and the second and fourth are dactyls (been reading Stephen Fry again).
Dactyl - three beats to the bar thus:
TUM titty TUM titty TUM if you excuse the expression. |
Trochees, V.
Written by Brett (1001 comments posted) 10th August 2008 |
Sorry to be a pedant. The first line is trochaic -
THOUGHTS and WISHes MIX with KISSes. The third not wholly iambic, but who gives a toss - the beat is there and it flows well.
I think this poem says so much in its four lines (a greater achievement as one line is repeated) that it towers above a lot of recent strung out posts.
Cheers |
Whoooosh!
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 10th August 2008 |
Josie - I know you were trying to help, but . . .
I thoroughly agree with Brett and Veronica above.
Excellent technical analysis, and in my view well worth it in defence of a stonkingly good poem!
Cheers again!
John X |
Written by punchy (535 comments posted) 11th August 2008 |
Crikey you lot, you are funny with your tum te tums etc.
I a mere novice with a Stephen fry book sitting on my shelf unread and gathering dust would like to say:
Great little poem, lovely and perfect just as it is whether read in semiquavers or paradiddles!  |
Written by PuppyWuppy (29 comments posted) 14th August 2008 |
now Brett, I think your being a wee bit picky here
Nice poem, Suzi.
Brett, there's bno need to empahsise the fact you disagree with Josie's opinion . We know what you think. |
Written by PuppyWuppy (29 comments posted) 14th August 2008 |
IT'S A GOOD POEM! IT DOESN'T NEED A SILLY DEBATE ABOUT METRES AND TROCHIACS!
DEAR ME! |
PuppyWuppy!
Written by Brett (1001 comments posted) 14th August 2008 |
If you consider 'metre', 'trochees', and such a silly debate when regarding a poem - I dread to think of your perception of poetry! I have done nothing but praise this piece - why don't you justify my silliness?
Great poem, Suzi.
Cheers |
And puppywuppy
Written by Brett (1001 comments posted) 14th August 2008 |
may I continue to be picky by correcting 'your' to 'you're' ? But that happens to us all (it shouldn't, but it does).
Suzi's piece is a great poem, and great poems often ignite debate - particularly one so succinct as this - it's lovely!
Cheers |
Written by suzi (4 comments posted) 15th August 2008 |
thank you  |
Only registered users can rate and write comments.
Please login or register.
Previous item
