Lemme ask you something...you’re looking for Mr Right, right?
Well, guess what? He’s been watching you,
silently – an invisible stalker,
reality-show-watching every minute of your waking and sleeping life,
observing your mannerisms, your hopes, they way
you treat yourself and others...
but particularly the way you treat yourself.
And he’s heard every thought that has gone through your brain,
- especially the ones that bring you pain and
stain the reflection you see in the bathroom mirror. He’s watched
you get ready for a big night out, watched you
practise your “smile with clout”,
your cheeky grin, and knows how thin you look in those jeans. Knows how
cataclysmic an untimely zit can be, knows the hell
when there’s no more hair gel and you have to leave, like, now.
He’s heard you practise your cumming voice, he’s seen you measure your thing,
He knows what your farts smell like, and which porn sites are likely to bring
you little moments of joy. He’s even watched you with your “secret” toy. Which
you need to clean, by the way.
And he’s watched you come home, with him and him and him and
them and him and him and him and
then ...
funny thing,
he ...stopped watching you.
He got tired of waiting for the interesting bits of your life to begin.
I won’t tell you how.
He’s watching “World’s Most Amazing Videos”, now.
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Written by Brett (1001 comments posted) 11th August 2008 | | Justify this as poetry and I'll justify myself as slim and sober! |
Written by Veronica_Milvus (768 comments posted) 11th August 2008 | | Well, it takes a liberty with even free verse, but I think it has something to say. Will mull this one over further, thanks, Alan, for posting. |
Written by Phil (7001 comments posted) 11th August 2008 | Long time, no see.
As always, there's a high level of interest in your work. The narrative of this drives the piece quite strongly and creates a completeness from start to finish. It's easy to engage with. The last line lost me a little - I wondered if, in fact, it would be stronger without the last two.
Age old question: is it poetry? I've never subscribed to the notion that if the writer calls it poetry, then it is. It does have rhythms, particularly in some of the more subtle repetitions. Good prose writing often has a rhythm all of its own too. This does have a very prose feel to it - and that isn't to damn it. I enjoyed the read - and prose has just as much worth as verse - just in a different way.
Not sure how important it is as there is quality in the writing - more so than many of the pieces that are easy to recognise as verse around here.
Out of interest, and certainly not a challenge, I wonder why you see this as poetry rather than prose - and if you think it has more worth as poetry?
Good piece of writing.
Phil | hmm... (looking calmly pensive)
Written by Bookwormandco. (39 comments posted) 13th August 2008 | Hmmm... Kind of thought provoking.
Odd subject choice, I liked the subtle rhymes in it though. |
Written by alandavidpritchard (59 comments posted) 13th August 2008 | Thanks to all who took the time to comment on this piece. I always shy from justifying what I write as poetry, but I feel I should comment on the form. I am fascinated by that grey area between poetry and prose ..or poetry and song-writing ..or poetry and greeting cards - that area where the boundaries become blurred, that no-man's land. I could have shaped this poem to fit more of a poetic mould, and I started doing so - but then I opted for a more wait and see approach, and found myself echoing the observer ...waiting to see if it "works".
Whether it does or doesn't, doesn't matter - I found the form complemented the content, and so didn't feel the need to make it appear like poetry to appease/appeal to purists. There is nothing poetic about being a slut. |
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