Exercise in form.
Bedroom Dancer Cease the slow and sinuous delicacy of your dance
Stand simply, silhouetted before the lightly curtained window,
Letting the sunlight limn the loveliness of outlined flesh
Beneath the shining sheath of silk enclosing you.
Let me come closer. Hesitant, my breath held back
until, nearer now, I smell the sweet scent of your sweat.
Let me slip that sibilance of silk from your smooth shoulders,
with fingertips fondle the full flesh of your breasts.
As I stroke softly down from sweet nipples to concave navel
sheer silken sheath to satin flesh of flanks gives way.
I worship wondering before your part spread thighs
then rest my face in the warmth of your womanhood.
Now I know no more than the naked moment
of passion's pleasure passing swift and soon.
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Lovely
Written by punchy (535 comments posted) 12th August 2008 |
Oh my goodness, I wasn't expecting such raunchiness at this time of the morning.
Beautiful imagery, the first 2 verses were so sensual and perfect, the only line that doesn't sit comfortably for me is "bury my face", everything else seems almost tentative yet that doesn't and it kind of ruined the flow for me. to me a word like sink is much nicer than bury. But that is just my opinion 
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You're probably right, Punchy
Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 12th August 2008 |
It is a very active word-- but sink has drawbacks too.
I shall think on that -- but I am blank at the moment
I think that the poem is more fantasy than anything else-- and it has little relation to reality , alas.
Thank you for the comment -- much appreciated.
patterjack |
bury / rest?
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 12th August 2008 |
I think this superb, Brian! A shame indeed that 'it has little relation to reality.'
I think 'rest' is a great improvement - 'bury my face in' has a sort of violence and urgency to it that, with Paula, I don't think sits comfortably with the delicate tone of the rest.
Cheers!
John |
Sensuous
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3590 comments posted) 12th August 2008 |
Yes, the imagery was beautiful, sensuous and elegantly expressed.The hint of restrained passion gave it a truly intimate feel that was very appealing. If it was idealised then that is to be applauded. Reality we have every day but, to read something as beautifully expressed as this does lift the spirits. The words were well chosen for maximum effect. Well except for one which rather broke the spell for me.....Ladies don't sweat,Brian, they glow. [always]
cheers
jane |
Well , Katanga
Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 12th August 2008 |
What would you expect at 79 !!
I know , and am very jealous of , some blokes even older -- but then... we can dream can't we .....
Thanks for the review
patterjack |
Sorry Jane ...
Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 12th August 2008 |
... but glow doesn't really fit -- not alliiterative enough even though my term is perhaps too close to the old jocular -- horses sweat , men perspire, and ladies glow
Thanks for the comments -- I appreciate your reviews every time !
patterjack |
Written by Veronica_Milvus (768 comments posted) 12th August 2008 |
Actually, I thought this was rather embarrassingly explicit and begs the question, when is poetry pornography? I think I prefer these things to be hinted at rather than spelled out!
It's also very observational and doesn't say a lot about how the writer feels... but I think, actually, we can guess that much!
I don't mind "bury", but I do mind "sweat". Would have preferred "skin" in that line. And a bit too much alliteration for this subject, which to me sounded rather laboured. |
When is P. P.?
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 12th August 2008 |
Interesting question, V. One answer might be that it depends on the writer's intention, and I don't think Brian's is to crudely titillate and stimulate, but I could be wrong!
BTW, Brian - line 3 'limn' ?
Cheers!
John |
Explicit ?
Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 12th August 2008 |
I don't think it is all that explicit.
There have been comments elsewhere in site on poetry and porn -- though nobody has as yet mentioned poetry and obscenity
Observational -- yes-- see the comment to katanga.
And the Intro does speak of it as an exercise in form
No comments on the non-rhyme sonnet scheme as yet !!!
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Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 12th August 2008 |
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Limn ...
Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 12th August 2008 |
Used here to mean outline , as in a painting
Thank you for recognising I was not trying to stimulate crudely-- I was if anything referring back in my mind to past postings on poetry and porn
Also deliberately practising some word play
patterjack |
Written by Josie (2847 comments posted) 12th August 2008 |
| Just to ask one question, linking to Veronica's review. If an elderly woman wrote such a poem in which she stripped down a young man and fondled his flesh instead, either mentally or otherwise, how would that go down on this website? Interesting indeed! |
Think of Salome
Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 12th August 2008 |
Would she not have sweated in her dance ? -- as so many do !
Legitimate usage I thought -- avoiding any euphemism
patterjack |
Suggestion for Josie
Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 12th August 2008 |
Why not try it and see ?
patterjack |
Written by Josie (2847 comments posted) 12th August 2008 |
| The answer is that I'm too young, of course! We must look for an ELDERLY lady in GW. Oh - Audrey has disappeared!! ha ha Hey - come back Audrey! |
Written by Phil (7001 comments posted) 12th August 2008 |
Porn is often in the eye of the beholder. It depends how the reader/viewer/listener etc reacts. I'm not saying some things are not created for pornographic effect, because they clearly are. Other things are open to interpretation. I'm sure some puritans think statues such as David and Venus are pornographic. Besides, there's a beauty to the human body - some of them anyway - and to celebrate that is a legitimate form. To celebrate the coming together of two people is also a legitimate form.
Sorry, the poem.
Loved: sibilance of silk
Thought: sweet scent of your sweat was fine - but then I'm a bloke, I sweat.
Overall, I prefer this with 'rest' instead of 'bury.' The later jumped out of the screen at me and changed the whole sense of the piece.
I thought this was lovely. Gentle and a little sad at the end.
Phil |
Written by Phil (7001 comments posted) 12th August 2008 |
| Ah! - latter! |
Ta Phil
Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 12th August 2008 |
I also think porn is in the eye of the beholder .
Thanks for the comments -- appreciated as always.
patterjack |
Not new Josie
Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 12th August 2008 |
I have made lots of references to nudity etc before. It is not something that worries me greatly -- and neither does the expression of sexuality -- be it about the young or the old -- as long as it is done with an appreciation of it . Age can be lovely.
patterjack |
Puzzled by Josie's question
Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 12th August 2008 |
So I am old and have never hidden the fact.
In my 79 years I have had many intimate moments; when young with the young , when mature with the mature and now that I am elderly , with the elderly.
So where in my poem is there the suggestion that an old man is stripping down a young woman-- i.e the corollary of Josie's suggested situation which has a moral stance about it ?
Did that question really need to be asked ?
patterjack
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Written by Josie (2847 comments posted) 12th August 2008 |
| Sorry Brian. I just assumed that it was a young person silhouetted. For myself, I would not be thinking of stripping down an old man, but there you are. I'll never get the chance - old or young! Been there done that and got the grandchildren. ha ha I have to tell you that you painted an exquisite picture in words - art in words for sure. Well done! |
Wonderful!
Written by Brett (1001 comments posted) 12th August 2008 |
Brian, I think this reads very sensuous, the alliteration I adore as it does not sound clumsy.
Josie - I don't know, how do elderly women go down?
Much to appreciate in this verse, Brian.
Cheers. |
I LIKED IT
Written by fellpony (1751 comments posted) 12th August 2008 |
and appreciated the alliteration as well as the form (of the verse) - I saw the layout as another of Brian's B***** sonnets and yet did not miss the absent rhymes!
Isn't porn defined by a degrading quality in the writing? I didn't feel that this piece attempted to degrade the woman being addressed, very much the reverse. |
Written by punchy (535 comments posted) 12th August 2008 |
Rest works beautifully.
If only more men in the world had the same respectful and sensual outlook as your writing suggests. Maybe it is something that comes with age or intellect.
I would like to hear more like this. maybe it could be the next GW challenge and from the women also.
x |
Quite right, punchy
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3590 comments posted) 12th August 2008 |
I've just read this again and been made aware of the alliteration which was so subtly used that I think I took it in subliminally, but it adds a softness to the sensuality and really adds something to the work.
I may be naive but I don't think I've actually read any pornography, but I don't think it would contain such elegant use of alliteration. Any comparison is risible.To me this was just a beautiful poem and I fully endorse what punchy said above,too
cheers
jane |
Blanket thank you
Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 13th August 2008 |
To Brett and Punchy once again. Careful though , P , with challenges !
(I am happy now, Brett, that I finished and posted it at your suggestion)
To Josie for a very fine compliment
To Jane -- so glad you liked the technique . I just hoped that I had not taken it too far
Finally , to Sue . I do have that problem with the Fourteen Line Fixation I guess .
Like so many males I have ever been a great admirer of the female form -- and certainly did not intend to degrade. Glad you saw that .
patterjack |
P.'s Challenge?!
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 13th August 2008 |
Hello again Brian!
I actually love you non-rhyming sonnet form, but stupidly forgot to say so in my earlier review . . .
Punchy's challenge? Oooooer! I feel something coming on . . . a sonnet about the male form, written from a woman's POV, by me, BTW a heterosexual male . . .
Hmmmmm!
Beware!
Cheers!
John |
Written by suzi (4 comments posted) 13th August 2008 |
well i thought it was a realy good description, and a nice poem.
Im in my 20's (just) and no offence but i dont think it matters what age you are 79 or 18 you can relate to that experience, the wordings fine by me .
xx  |
You lucky old dog!
Written by Talisker (1336 comments posted) 19th August 2008 |
My wife wears flannel PJs and standing before the window has the effect of a total eclipse.
You have the sensuous, sexual thing nailed. It makes me sick with the jealousy to think that this is more than a geriatric fantasy on your part!
The aforementioned PJ clad one would at least empathise with "the pleasure passing swift and soon"
Seriously, I'm in awe at the elegance of your language. On this insignificant little island, on this side of the planet, we may believe we own the language. Reading your work has often (and once again) prompted me somehow to dig out my dog-eared copy of Pat White's "Three Uneasy Pieces".
Carry on the torch old boy. Perhaps one day you'll thought of in the same bracket as White. You are with me.
Oli |
My Mirror Sonnets are...
Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 19th August 2008 |
... much more reflective of the truth... as I replied in a review above -- and this is a fantasy piece , not reality.
It began as a couple of playful lines of alliteration reflecting back to a poem I wrote many years ago--lines which I was discussing with Brett, and he persuaded me to finish it.
Sorry about the possible reflective puns above !
Thanks for the review -- and I have checked out that site you mentioned -- joined it , in fact .
patterjack
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