For the uninitiated: One of my passions is dance music, in particular multi-day outdoor psytrance festivals, also known as doofs. Psytrance is a very specific genre of dance music culture. At its heart are concepts like peace and harmony, care for others and the planet. but it is party music so fun stuff happens.
A short, true story with a little adult content.
I am at a doof. It is a sunny morning. The hill is crowded, but pleasantly so. There are smiles and there is exuberant stomping as the speaker stacks charge the air with thumping, pulsing, squelchy psytrance goodness. The strongest chemical I have had is coffee, so I close my eyes, burrow in and try to find that place in the music... ah yes, there it is, and I am dancing.
Something intrudes on my newly-found hit of daytime bliss. Something soft and round. I open my eyes and the intrusion is a pair of reasonably yummy buttocks. A girl is moving her arse against me in a very obvious way. She turns to face me, clearly wondering what I thought about that hot piece of action. I look at the girl and smile, my smile clearly saying, “Look, thank you. It’s really very flattering and it’s really a very nice bottom and everything, and on another day or under other more intoxicated circumstances I might do something like, you know, gently take you by the hips and rub up against your sensational arse with my totally awesome pants bulge. But right at this particular point in time I really just want to lose myself in this music.”
No sooner am I back in the music than Arse Girl is at it again. She is lap dancing me in a way that will not be ignored. I open my eyes just as she runs both hands through her hair and does a smoldering hair flick, her sultry over-the-shoulder smirk clearly saying, “Good, huh? Want some? Yeah... you want it.”
This time my smile takes a sterner approach: “Look here. Um – yes, very good. Possibly the best arse grinding action I’ve experienced in my entire life. But right now at this point in time all I really really really want to do is dance by myself to this music. Please?”
Her smoldering smile changes. “You prick. What are we all doing here if it’s not to get horny on the dancefloor? What are you – some kind of deviant?”
My smile twitches and says. “Look I just –“
“Fuck you,” her smile tells me. “You selfish prick.”
And she is gone.
I close my eyes and try to block out the memory of her wiggly bum. I try to find my place inside the music but it just doesn’t work. Because try as I might, I really just don’t get why so many of you women have to think with your vaginas.
Lee Bemrose
|
Written by coosh (923 comments posted) 13th August 2008 | | Well, it was an experience... would have been nice if the narrator had been a woman, but personal preferences aside, it was very clearly described. As you've put it in Comedy.... can't help wondering whether a less conventional context would enhance the humour - memories of an uptight David Mitchell in 'Peep Show', being "arse-ground" in the stationery cupboard, and explaining away the trouser stains. As I say, it's well described, but sexual arousal and trance-like states in a more ordinary or banal-style scenario might offer some interesting possibilities. |
Written by Grumpy (23 comments posted) 13th August 2008 | Wow. Having read your latest offering, coosh, I shrug off whatever this offering is with ease. You are not that funny.
Way to miss the point, dude.
Hint: Be less referential. |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3590 comments posted) 13th August 2008 | I was going to comment on this but must first say if you don't think coosh is funny then you are missing the point,dude, and it's a big point.
I'm no expert but I wasn't sure where the humour was in this. There were no gags, unless you count the last line as a sort of reversal. [actually wasn't she thinking with her arse?,was that the joke?]
Perhpas it was too post-modern and ironic for me or perhaps I'm to referential as well [whatever that means.]
Just didn't get it, sorry
cheers  |
Written by Mr_E_Writer (225 comments posted) 13th August 2008 | I thought this would be a good site to re-ignite my passion for fiction, but after posting a story and looking forward to (*) feedback...
Insert the word 'positive' here.
| Where's the . . .
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 13th August 2008 | . . . pornography section on GW?
Comedy? Ha!
I've rolled around more with Jane Austen than with this . . .
Sorry!
Unamused.
Cheers!
John |
Written by Grumpy (23 comments posted) 13th August 2008 | "Perhpas it was too post-modern and ironic for me or perhaps I'm to referential as well [whatever that means.] "
Hmm. Wondering if this is the site for me after all.
|
Written by Mr_E_Writer (225 comments posted) 13th August 2008 |  |
Written by Grumpy (23 comments posted) 13th August 2008 | | Exactly, Mr E Writer. |
Written by coosh (923 comments posted) 13th August 2008 | | What you moanin’ about, Pavlova? Look at your review count now. The point is you’ve posted under Comedy, to get a reaction. True, some of what I submit gets a good response and for others it’s pure shite, such is humour, on an amateur writing site – I’m just trying to learn and GW has been very constructive in that respect. It’s not as if it was an insulting review!!! If you just want arse-licking (on top of arse-dancing), there’s no point in posting. Referentially or otherwise. |
Written by stevetroster (1601 comments posted) 13th August 2008 |
“I first became aware of Grumpy when he began whining about a lack of reviews,” said the Ace of Shorts. “Yet he is far from generous himself, and has a mind to insult defenceless young girls by accusing them of dabbling in psychedelic drugs!”
“Mm, well at least we now know the names of five of the dwarves,” suggested the King of Comedy. “There’s Grumpy, Tetchy, Bitchy, Sulky and Ignorant. And with any luck, the next one will be Goodbye-e.”
“I have heard that he wonders if this is the site for him after all,” offered the Prince of Poetry, and rattled off a few rhyming lines about Australian whines.
“Choices, choices, choices!” exclaimed the Ace. “If he’s so spoilt for choice of sites that will have him, why does he not just do himself and us a favour and simply -”
“Cough,” spluttered the King. “Sorry about that. I had something rather nasty stuck in my throat, but it’s gone now.”
|
Written by Grumpy (23 comments posted) 14th August 2008 | Okay, for what it's worth... maybe this piece was only amusing in my mind because I couldn't believe she gave me such a filthy look for keeping my hands to myself. Whatever.
I hadn't found Coosh's piece at all amusing but didn't bother commenting... until he offered suggestions referring to more people/characters unknown to me. I do know a little about the murder of Jill Dando and found the piece to be a little tasteless because of it, but if others think it's funny, they think it's funny.
Mr E Writer - no, I'm not only after positive feedback. others have said nice things about the other stories posted but it's the constructive criticism I've found most valuable. I intend to re-work both stories with those suggestions in mind.
And the 'whine' post in the forum was just me taking the piss to - yes - get people to read.
Incidentally - although this piece didn't work here it did work for the music magazines I write for. I've had a monthly column in one of them for a few years now and I guess it's taken time to build a readership who relates to my humour. Maybe they just understand the silliness of the role reversal thing. Maybe it's just a knowing your market thing.
In reality, Coosh's piece would sink in the music mags as quickly as mine did here.
Anyway, cheers. Interesting result.
|
Written by Phil (7001 comments posted) 16th August 2008 | Interesting result - yes. Tells far more about you than the writing does.
As for the writing: I thought it was well written, engaging - but, alas, not particularly funny. I'm not into dance music, or the scene that goes with it, so that may not help.
Phil |
Written by Grumpy (23 comments posted) 16th August 2008 | Well I guess that's it, Phil. If you ever do get into the dance scene and you ever do find yourself as a male on the receiving end of a withering look from a sexy girl because you have the audacity to keep your hands to yourself because you just want to dance, you might appreciate the irony.
Cheers,
Lee. |
Written by Mr_E_Writer (225 comments posted) 17th August 2008 | You might appreciate the irony, but will you find it funny?
All I'm saying is, we all need to get stuff out of our system and find a voice. When we start out it's inevitable there's going to be a lot of derivative stuff and a lot of subject matter we write about without really knowing that it’s rubbish.
As a former manager of a comedy club (the clientele of which, you have to admit, is probably the target audience for comedy) I know that if this one had been offered up on stage, in its current form, it would probably have received the standard audience response of “Get off, you #@##@## #@##@#.”
|
Written by Grumpy (23 comments posted) 17th August 2008 | Is this some kind of sheltered workshop?
Mr E W I hate to break it to you but nothing that I have read in this comedy section would ever last a minute on a stand up stage.
Why are you so angry?
Nice copy and pasting work though. It's excellent. | Aussie Humour
Written by owl_light (58 comments posted) 2nd September 2008 | Sheila gets frisky and bloke won't oblige at strange place outdoors where everybody is stoned. Do you think perhaps its not quite the jolly old thing for a Brits' website sport? I mean tallyho and yoiks old fruit.
Sorrow about beating you at Beijing though all the same.
ps why not turn it into a po'on.
At a doof on a dry billabong
Was a bloke having nice dance-along
Uninvited a bum
Gyrated into his tum
Causing gyp in his crocodile thong
Boom boom
|
Only registered users can rate and write comments.
Please login or register. Powered by AkoComment 2.0! |
Previous item
