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Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3590 comments posted) 14th August 2008 |
It must have been a short walk.
Did you mean it to come out the way it is? The lines are out of sync
Cheers
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Written by stevetroster (1601 comments posted) 14th August 2008 |
What could possibly go wrong in 4 lines?
The lickle bright stars: I’ll excuse the obvious typo because I assume it’s meant to sound like a three year-old (?)
They fly afar to universes big and small and over planets tiny and tall. Is that so?
Planets circle stars, so the stars DO NOT fly over them. The Universe (singular) is defined as everything that physically exists; the entirety of space and time. There is but one - so no universe(s).
Planets are spheres, some of them may very well be tiny but I fail to see how any sphere could be described as tall.
This may be written for lickle childwen but, in my humble opinion, I feel it is important to educate them correctly lest we end up with a nation of imbeciles.
This is a review of the post, so this time don’t try to make out it’s a personal attack.
Cheers. |
Steve!
Written by Brett (1001 comments posted) 14th August 2008 |
What could possibly go wrong in four lines? Just about everything, I would say.
As a review of the poem - it seems no thought has gone into this at all, apart from the dreadful word 'lickle' - shocking.
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Lickle bright stars?
Written by fellpony (1751 comments posted) 14th August 2008 |
The only possible response is a  "heavens above!" |
Ha! Ha! Yes . . .
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 14th August 2008 |
. . . I'm afraid Steve says it all.
This is a very sweet 'trickly' poem for children, but please take a step back . . .
It's a bit silly, isn't it?
No offence to you, yourself, just the poem . . .
Cheers!
John |
Written by punchy (535 comments posted) 14th August 2008 |
As much as I am fond of you guys, come on let up.
I don't know if I have missed something on GW but nobody deserves to be mocked.
If you really don't like the poem don't review it.
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Well said, Punchy!
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 14th August 2008 |
I apologise . . .
No malice intended . . . but . . . come on . . .
Cheers!
John X |
Written by ainsel (68 comments posted) 14th August 2008 |
Punchy - I have to take issue with your comment:
If you really don't like the poem don't review it.
Surely the purpose of exhibiting one's work to the wider community here must be to receive feedback - both positive and adverse. Positive, because it's helpful to know one is on the right track, and adverse because it's even more helpful to understand, appreciate and avoid one's faults.
I will grant that the reviews of this work have been quite harsh, but (apologies, PuppyWuppy) it's a rather poor piece of composition. The writer will find her work improves if she avoids (a) condescending to her readers ("lickle"), and (b) using adjectives that make no sense in the context (I suspect that "tall" was chosen only to rhyme with "small" rather than for it's suitability). Structurally, it doesn't flow - the metre seems to be unsound. Read it over aloud a few times.
I don't see all the reviews above as "mocking", although they are certainly strongly worded. Steve's was particularly well-considered, and covered all of the important points.
My understanding of the purpose of this site is to offer honest and constructive criticism. I certainly welcome critical comment on my work, as it helps me to step back from the piece and view it without bias - thereby hopefully learning how to improve my writing. If we are only to comment when we like something, and not discuss what we don't, nor why we don't - if all that is to be posted is pats on the back and cries of "Well done!" - then what's the point?
Allowing bad verse to pass is no kindness to the writer.
ainsel
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Oops..
Written by ainsel (68 comments posted) 14th August 2008 |
...apostrophe error in my previous rant. I wish one could edit one's reviews.
ainsel |
Written by Josie (2847 comments posted) 15th August 2008 |
"Surely the purpose of exhibiting one's work to the wider community here must be to receive feedback - both positive and adverse. Positive, because it's helpful to know one is on the right track, and adverse because it's even more helpful to understand, appreciate and avoid one's faults." - - - - - Thanks Ainsel
If only this were the case in the Poetry section of this website. I could say a lot, but won't fuel the fire as Sade knows the situation well and so do many others.
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Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3590 comments posted) 15th August 2008 |
| I honestly didn't think it was meant to be taken seriously, but take heart PW on this site you are either read of dead and by the look of the hits and reviews you have most certainly been read, which is the purpose of the exercise,is it not? |
Written by punchy (535 comments posted) 15th August 2008 |
I didn't quite write what i meant to say earlier. Obviously review poems if you don't like them but if there is clearly nothing to like then why stoop to patronising the writer.
Steves review was to the point and there was nothing at all wrong about what he said.
I was just concerned as I presumed that puppywuppy was a child and would possibly be affected by the remarks made. But it is non of my beeswax and I'm sure if PW is an adult then they are quite capable of defending their poem.
I am aware that by writing this I have probably been more patronising than anyone |
Deja-vu
Written by mr_soul (126 comments posted) 15th August 2008 |
I thought we were past the days of mocking people on GW but - going by a few of the posts - obviously not. I don't want to fan the flames but I feel some people think they have the right to laugh at some member's work. If you don't like the poem, say why you didn't like it and try to help the writer by suggesting ways that they can improve their work. I thought that was the general concensus.
As for the poem, it might be more suitable if this were placed in the children's section. It is a bit short, perhaps could be expanded a bit. For me, I didn't like the last line, didn't seem to fit in. I didn't like the idea of "tall" planet and it would probably read easier if you thought of something that rhymed with afar. Hope that helps.
Keep writing |
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